Don't think twice (don't think twice) don't think twice HOO!

On June 11 Raul Ibanez hit a three run homer in extras at Fake Shea Stadium to finish off a 7-3 road trip. The Phils were 35-23, had a four game lead, and except for a few flaws they looked, I say, like a million bucks. Since that time, they've gone 2-11, had a 1-9 homestand, got swept by the Orioles (!), lost Ibanez, Lidge, Bastardo, Eyre, Condrey, and now Park apparently to the DL, Madson was atrocious as the closer, Rollins was and still is benched for being the worst leadoff hitter in baseball history, they can't hit, they can't pitch, they make all kinds of dumbass fielding and baserunning mistakes, they just generally suck a lot of ass and look terrible doing it, I had to sit through not one but two dull, excrutiating losses when I could have been doing any number of other useful things, and Michael Jackson died. In short, it's been a resoundingly terrible two weeks for Phillies fans who might also happen to like Michael Jackson.

I don't even really know what I'm trying to say here, other than pointing out the blindingly obvious. The problem with being a sports fan is that you literally have no power and are completely helpless at all times. In the good times that isn't so much of a problem; you don't really notice it. You can say, "Oh look, Brad Lidge is striking out Eric Hinske to win the World Series. That's really great. I think I'll scream and jump around now just like the players are doing." But beyond that you can do nothing at all. I didn't make Eric Hinske's bat miss that pitch, or help Jayson Werth catch that second out, or help Pedro drive in Pat for the Series-winning run. I just sat/stood there and watched it all happen, as I had done for months (years) up to that point. Now we're here in the bad times, and the total helplessness is magnified; I can only stare horrified as the Red Sox rack up ten runs, shake my head in disgust as Bruntlett proves himself to be the world's worst pinch hitter, marvel at the otherworldly terribleness of Jack Taschner. I can't make Jimmy hit like '07 Jimmy. The only thing I can really do is write about it on this blog, and tell you that if I wasn't getting ready to get married in nine days, I'd feel even crappier about this team than I currently do, and that would be no good at all.

So what I need to do is just concentrate on the wedding, and then go and get married on July 5, and then maybe later that week I'll start worrying about the Phillies full time again. For now, they're going to have to suffer through this nightmare without me, because quite frankly I've got stuff to do.

Four more

Back a bit early to report that it's the Rays. They just beat Boston a few minutes ago to advance to the World Series (WORLD SERIES!) against the Phillies (WORLD SERIES!!!). (Of course, you're not coming here to find out who won the ALCS, are you? You do know that there are many hundreds of more reputable sports news sources, right?)

I didn't really go out into the revelry after the game the other night (I wanted to link to a YouTube clip of same, but I there's like a thousand of them and I can't remember which one I was watching the other night and they're all about the same, so go find them yourself).

That's okay. I'm saving it.

But I did see one cool thing that night, which is that I was getting ready for bed - I was literally in the process of flossing my teeth - when I heard a string band! I dashed outside in my socks, and there they were, a bunch of Mummers in Phils t-shirts, clutching their instruments and beer, marching up 2nd Street behind a motorcycle. I've never been so proud.

The next morning I had to step out of the house very early, and I was walking back to the house at 6:30 AM and I passed by a woman who appeared to be spraying her kids' heads with aerosol cans (I'd like to believe that she was coloring their hair red for the Phils, but I couldn't tell in the light, so it'll have to remain a mystery for the ages). I was wearing the same Jim Thome t-shirt I had worn the night before, which she saw, and she asked me, "You're not coming back from last night now, are you?" That was cool too.

Meanwhile, today I was walking around the neighborhood in my Phils cap - as is the custom of my people - and two different guys saw me and were like "Phils! Going all the way baby!" or something similar. This is what a good, weird mood everyone is in - we're all just sort of in this daze, we can't believe the Phils are in the World Series (WORLD SERIES!) and we're happy for any excuse to be reminded of it. Anyway I just sort of looked over at them, smiled, and said, "Four More". I am proposing this as the greeting we all give each other from now on. When you see another fan, just say "Four More" (hold up four fingers, too, if you can), and as soon as they win a game you can start saying "Three More", and so on. Give it a try, it's a great feeling.

I have no thoughts yet on the Rays; I'll work on it. Part of me is sort of relieved, not because I think they're more easily beatable than the Red Sox or anything (I saw that as a toss-up, really) but because of the external factor of how annoying it would be to play the Red Sox, given that Fox and ESPN and whoever else you want to name would be totally and blatantly rooting for them. But that's not relevant anymore, so I'll shed that particular bit of cynicism and move on. But before I do, here are two isolated thoughts on the Rays' late opponent:

1. I would happily pay thousands of dollars to go to a fantasy camp where you get to just wail on Jonathan Papelbon like he's a speedbag. Does a person that annoying occur naturally, or was he made in a laboratory?

2. Kevin Youkilis has the worst batting stance I've ever seen. It's worse than Craig Counsell's. It actually makes me hate baseball, just a little bit.

Speaking of batting stances, there's this. And after you've looked at that, you can look at this, and then listen to this, and for good measure, here's this for no reason.

So, coming reasonably soon, some more detailed thoughts on the impending overwhelming fantasticness that is - get ready for it - the Phillies in the World Series (WORLD SERIES!!!!!!).

I've run out of rants and pep talks and complaints about crappy, negative sportswriters. I have no further thoughts on the brawl, or the media's blatant LA bias, or Dodgers fans booing Shane Victorino because of the unusual quirk of his personality where he doesn't want 95 mph projectiles hitting him in the head. Watching this remarkable team, I've been reduced to nothing but a "fan" in the absolute purest sense: all I want to do now is just watch them. I feel an amazingly calm confidence. Whatever happens tonight and beyond, happens.

And that's my excuse for not having anything interesting to say about Game 5: because after everything that's happened so far, what else is there for a guy like me to say? These Phillies speak for themselves. Sit back and let it happen.

My eight favorite games I've ever watched (off the top of my head)

Four of them I was at, the other four I just saw on TV. There may be more - maybe I'll think of them later. Today's game made it onto the list, which is why I bring it up.

8. 6/8/99: A basically meaningless game in the middle of a losing season, but we scored 9 runs in the 7th against the (eventual champion) Yankees, and that was pretty fun. I was there!

7. 9/17/89: Check out my description of this game in the "Phillies Games" link to your right. Basically, John Kruk hit a walkoff grand slam, and I was there! In retrospect, and at the risk of hyperbole, I think this is the game that made me a fan.

6. 9/23/05: I've written about this one a few times. The Phils, in the heat of the wild card race, rally back to beat the Reds on the road with a titanic home run from David Bell. I watched this in my apartment with Andrew and Anna and after that home run we tore the place apart.

5. 4/27/03: Kevin Millwood's no-hitter, and I was there! I hadn't seen a crowd this excited since '93, so it was a nice sneak preview of the kind of big crowds they'd get a few years later.

4. 9/27/08: Another fine outing from the incredible Jamie Moyer, Jayson Werth makes up for his crappy fielding with a home run, a super ultra clutch hit from Pedro Feliz, Brad Lidge nearly kills me, literally kills me, and the final double play, probably the best double play ever. More on this in a moment.

3. 9/28/93: The greatest team of all time clinches the NL East in Pittsburgh. The ending of this game - John Kruk flipping a grounder to Donn Pall - is burned right into my memory, where it will remain for all eternity. I still find myself saying "GRAND SLAM MARIANO DUNCAN!" in Harry's voice for no reason.

2. 9/30/07: Just about any of the Phils' wins from September 2007 could make this list - off the top of my head, I'm reminded of Greg Dobbs' pinch grand slam in New York, Rod Barajas (!) with a pinch RBI in the 14th inning in St. Louis, the Phils beating John Smoltz on 9/27, or the win over the Braves the day before that (I was at that one) - but why not just give it to this game, an absolute classic, a game for which I'd waited a long, long time. Jamie Moyer (apparently the guy you call on when you need a clinching win and you need it now) had a great game, Jimmy "MVP" Rollins hit a triple, Ryan had a home run, and I pounded two beers after the game because I felt like some kind of weight had been lifted. They did it, do you hear? They did it.

1. 10/13/93: I remember it was cold, bitterly cold. I remember two guys - shirtless, I think - holding signs and parading around the upper outside concourse, wearing Beavis and Butthead masks (which totally dates this anecdote). I remember Mickey Morandini had a spectacular leaping catch. I remember the entire crowd sarcastically doing the Atlanta tomahawk chop when Maddux was taken out of the game (I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, because I know I've written about that before, but man, that was so cool - I wonder if anything that ever happens to me ever again will be quite that cool). I remember Mitch Williams' final inning: he struck out Damon Berryhill, Mark Lemke flew out to center, and then he struck out Bill Pecota (you know, I always thought it was Terry Pendleton, not Berryhill, but I just looked it up and I was wrong!). I remember Mitch hurling himself off the mound, and the celebration, and Danny Jackson doing his "pump you up" thing (at the time we didn't really make the steroids connection, but in retrospect we probably should have).

And I was there.

I bring this all up now because today's game was one of those games - but it was different from the others, too, and specifically it was different from last year's. Everyone seemed to think that, today - the fans, the announcers, the players themselves. It was a great game, and making the postseason is incredibly difficult in baseball, so it's definitely a great achivement. But the celebration was a bit more subdued this time. The players aren't just happy to be there this time, and I'm glad to hear that.

This thing isn't over!

And I wrote this list with the full intention of it being a fluid one. I've allowed for things to be moved around. New games can make the list.

I think they will.

We'll find out starting next week.

Let's go Phils!!!

Fightins 6, Crew 3, and I wrote a book

The reason I haven't been around all summer is because I wanted to finally, finally finish the novel I've been working on for... I don't want to say. A really long time. My entire adult life? No, not really, but it's up there. But anyway, I'm done now. I did it. On to phase 2: finding someone to pay me for the privilege of reading it. It feels weird to be at this point, and at the same time anticlimactic and, like, whatever. A long time coming, let's just say that.

By the way, if you're a longtime reader with a startlingly long memory, you will recall my entry from December 20, 2006 in which I claimed to have finished my novel. Yeah, it's true. That happened. But that was the first draft. This is the final draft. Much has happened to me, and the world, and the Phillies in between. Trust me, the book's much better now. And shorter. My god, it's so much shorter and better now.

My fond hope is to do something else with my free time now. Enough of that novel, time to embark on one of the other novel ideas I have! It never ends. Nor would I want it to.

Also, in celebration of this occasion, I now have a Facebook page! What does that have to do with anything? I don't know. I just felt compelled to make one. So go hunt that down, if you feel the need.

Meanwhile, I've neglected this site. I admit that. So much has happened, much more than I can recount in this space, so I won't bother trying. But I feel like I should say something, here in the waning days of this baffling, frustrating, monstrously weird season. I've been thinking a lot about the dynamics of sports fandom - what it means, how fans should act, how players should respond. It's old news now (such is the danger of only updating your blog once a month) but surely you remember when Jimmy Rollins - the MVP, the hero of 2007, lifelong Phillie - called us (me!) "frontrunners" a few weeks back, his reasoning being that we cheer when the team's good and boo when they're bad. Stop booing us, Jimmy pleaded, and give us your support through thick and thin, because it helps us play better.

Enough's been written about this already so I won't harp on it. I'll just mention that the team is due to shatter attendance records this year, and they've had many, many sellouts, despite the fact that they can't hit this year and have underachieved in ghastly ways. Philly LOVES this team these days, even though they're just as annoying as they've ever been.

And of course, I stand by the old argument that while I agree it would be nice if nobody booed anybody, that isn't going to happen, and fans have every right to do it if they feel like it, and players just need to either (a) ignore it, (b) laugh it off, or (c) calm down.

But today ESPN had this piece about Cubs fans and how they're eternally faithful despite the team's notorious ineptitude and heartbreaking-ness. Now, like all sensible people I loathe the Cubs and their lunatic drama queen scumbag followers, and I hope they go another 100 years without a World Series, because that would be hilarious. But being the big softy I am, I can't help but be just the slightest bit touched by their unwavering loyalty. I was at Wednesday's wretched loss to the Marlins, and it just pissed me off and I decided that the Phils were terrible and the season was over and I hated them. But then I started reading about these crazy Cubs fans and I was like, "Yeah, you know what, you never give up on your team, dude. That's what Astros fans did in that World Series. That's what Marlins fans do all the time. Screw that. Go Phils!"

So I wondered: should we be more like that? Should we applaud every player, even if they hack wildly at the first pitch with two outs like a moron? By god, should I have spent 2005 cheering for Endy Chavez, instead of squealing with hatred every time he entered a game? Should we be more loving and warm and fuzzy? Are we, in short, just a bunch of assholes?

Wait a minute. Where am I even going with this? (Why do I start writing things without knowing how it's going to end? God help me, I don't know.) Of course we shouldn't be like that. That isn't the Philly way! Nobody waxes poetic about Phillies fans. Jimmy Fallon doesn't make crappy movies about being a Phillies fan (thankfully). ESPN hasn't asked to do a melodramatic profile of me. We suffer alone, with nobody else in the country on our side, and yeah, it's made us kind of surly. Hell no, I wasn't going to just clap and say, "Yeah, Rod Barajas, hitting into a double play was the worst possible thing you could have done there, but you know what? Great effort! In fact, now that I think about it... I love you, Rod Barajas." No, no, no. See, what Jimmy Rollins doesn't understand (and I can't see why, he's been here long enough) is that we love our teams, our Phillies, love them just as much as any Cubs fan or Red Sox fan or A's or Yankees or Royals fan does... we just have a different way of showing it. If we were "frontrunners", you weird little man, we wouldn't show up to games at all. But we do, and we're gonna boo your underachieving ass. We booed Adam Eaton not because we're rooting for him to fail, we do it because he's wearing the uniform of our favorite team and he's pitching like a dumbass. We are SO DISAPPOINTED, so mind-numbingly crushed, by the team's incessant failure, and this is how we've chosen to show it, from generation to generation, and we're not going to stop. Don't like the booing? Then win us a World Series. Chop chop!

So screw Billy Corgan and screw the Cubs. This is Philly, people. We can't hit, our rotation is all messed up, we're 3 games behind the Mets and 3 behind the Brewers, and we've only got 15 games left. Buckle up!

SIXERS!

Yeah, I was wrong: they lost. They were never even really in it. It was kind of horrendous. But I knew the Sixers would have a tough time against the Pistons and the two wins (let's say two and a half, because the first half of Game 4 was great too) are definitely something to be proud of. I think this team will be something special in 2009 - they're building it the right way, and Stefanski (whose hand I shook at a season ticket holder's thing back in March, making him the only Philly GM I've ever met) seems to know what I'm doing. I'm much less concerned about the series loss than I am about the curious lack of interest the Sixers generated in the city. They were in the playoffs for the first time in three years, and nobody seemed to care. I was at all three playoff games, and none of them were sellouts. Atlanta sold out all three of its playoff games, for crying out loud. Is this what we've sunk to? We're worse than the generally acknowledged worst sports city in the country? I wish I had an answer for this, because it bugs me a lot. There are a number of possible reasons. For one thing, our economy is rapidly collapsing, in which case I guess I can't really blame people - I can't expect people to buy basketball tickets when they can barely afford gas. It could also be the Sixers' curiously horrible marketing department - most of the unsold seats cost like $15, and if you can't find ways to convince people to buy the cheap seats, then that's no good and shame on the Sixers. All those marketing people should be shown the door, because Game 6 was nationally televised and there were vast stretches of empty seats, which is just thoroughly embarrassing. My gut feeling, though, and I really hate to say this, is that maybe people just don't care. Maybe there's only so many Sixers fans left - both because of the team's recent performance itself, and the general image the NBA has. Andrew suggests that people are cynical about the NBA playoff system, and had no faith that the Sixers would advance past the first round, so they didn't bother to pay attention. Certainly possible, but it doesn't quite make sense to me... I mean, bottom line, it's the playoffs. If you can't support your team in the playoffs, when will you? Should people just sit around waiting for the Sixers to become one of the four or five best teams in the league? Are people that disillusioned? I mean, yeah, if the Sixers went like 11-71, then yes, you're excused, you don't have to go to games in March and April. But what is your problem? Making the playoffs isn't good enough anymore?

You know, I've spent my adult life defending Philly fans, but if people can't support our basketball team in the playoffs after having such a great second half of the season, then I don't know why I bother. Morons in this city listen to WIP, they drove Abreu out of town, they think A.J. Feeley is better than Donovan McNabb, they boo the Canadian national anthem, and now they're leaving the Sixers for dead. Well, screw those people.

I just hate this mentality that if you don't win a championship, your season was instantly a failure and a colossal waste of time. Well, if you're wondering whether or not the Sixers had a good season: they did. They didn't get out of the first round, but they had a good season nonetheless. You can trust me when I say that, because I'm a real fan.

PHILLIES!

The local nine continues to rack up wins. I really, really wish they were hitting more, but they're finding ways to win and logic dictates that if the pitching stays as good as it is, and the hitting improves, then we should be theoretically unstoppable. It's a nice thought, isn't it? The Phils' shaky hitting gets a test this week against the Diamonbacks' incredible staff. I'll admit it, I'm a bit nervous about it.

FLYERS!

And then there's these guys. I couldn't be more thrilled about this. I'm delighted, even. Already I'm getting warm and fuzzy memories of great Flyers' runs I've followed... the surprising 2004 team... the classic 2000 team... and the Cup Final team of 1997, when there were Flyers logos affixed to every flat surface everywhere you looked. This team feels a bit different though. Better goaltending, certainly, but even beyond that... they just feel right, like this is how you're supposed to build a hockey team, not just get a superstar like Lindros and put some random guys around him. The 2008 Flyers are stacked, they're confident, they're fun to watch... and, well, you know how I feel about predictions, so I'll just shut up.

In the final game of the regular season, the Penguins lost against us on purpose to avoid playing us in the first round (they deny it, but don't listen to them, that's what happened). I think the Flyers should play up that angle. They should refer to the Penguins as the Cowards in interviews, and just pretend that they think that's their name. "Well, the Cowards have a great team, we're not taking them likely... what? Penguins? What the hell are you talking about?" I'm not saying the Penguins aren't a great team, or that this won't be a tough series - I'm just saying that the Penguins' cowardice sickens me.

Right, I'm off to Flight of the Conchords in a little while...

GO FLYERS!!!

4/12: Phils 7, Cubs 1

"I wish I could go back to the beginning of the season... put some money on the Cubbies!"
-Charles Fleischer, 1989

Anyway, great game, with my dad and I in attendance. Cole looks incredible, and the hitting is picking up, even without the MVP in the lineup (and it looks like Shane might be out now too... injuries suck, one wonders if we could have won 100 games with a healthy lineup last year!)

Our section (418) has become the "group" section where they stick groups. Sometimes you don't even notice, other times the groups are horrible. Last night we were surrounded by the douchiest bunch of douches who ever douched. They were total douches. I felt like I was actually in the douche aisle at Rite Aid. I mean - here's the thing. No human being is capable of yelling loud enough that a baseball player can hear them yelling all the way from section 418. Maybe if he was the only fan in the entire stadium, but not in a sellout crowd of 45K. So either (a) they're not aware of this simple principle, in which case they're morons, or (b) they know this, and the yelling is not really for the benefit of the players, and they're just trying to be funny and entertain the crowd. The latter seems more likely, in which case they're douchebags, and they need to understand that they're annoying and not funny and I hate them.

I mean, really, do you have to be that goddamn shrill and loud? I don't mind booing a Cubs pitcher for continually throwing to first base to hold a runner (it's a sound baseball strategy, but it's a proud baseball fan tradition to find that annoying and boo it) but do you have to scream "THROW IT ACROSS THE PLATE, YOU COWARD!" in the shrillest voice possible, right in my ear? Ted Lilly can't hear you, goddamn you. I, however, can, and I want you to stop.

How do you even get that shrill? Do you need to take a class?

But he was not the douchiest 'bag in attendance. There was also "Jump Up And Start Celebrating Every Time The Phils Put A Ball In The Air, Even Though It's Probably A Routine Fly To Center And You're Blocking Me" Guy, and the Alpha Douche, "Really Loud, Really Profane Dude With Miller Lite Bottles Littered Under His Seat" Guy. I mean he really kept yelling things like "Hey Soriano, I fucked your mom!" I don't even know what he said. It was stupid, unfunny, lame, and just... god, it was just so stupid. I know he was doing it because he thought it would be funny to be loud and annoying on purpose, but I'm trying to watch the game, you goateed scumbag.

I mean, is it me? Am I the wrong one here? Is empathy for other human beings - a knowledge that other people are around me and that they probably don't need or want to hear whatever deranged rantings spill out of my mouth at high volumes - is it a disease? Am I supposed to shed that in order to succeed in life - indeed, in order to evolve? How horrifying.

On a related note, this kind of worries me in terms of the new soccer team, because soccer fans have this idea in their head that they have to stand up for 90 minutes and sing and yell nonstop, and people who "just sit there" are dumb, lame, boring American corporate sellout assholes. I don't want to get hassled or insulted by these people. I mean, I really like soccer, but I like the game, and if I'm paying to watch it I'm going to sit and watch it. Just because I'm not screaming and yelling and painting my face doesn't mean I don't care. Just because I'm not screaming insults at Ryan Theriot doesn't mean I don't really, really care whether or not the Phillies beat the Cubs. I care a lot - probably too much - so screw you.

Speaking of caring too much, Flyers/Caps Game 2 is in just over an hour! Like I said, I have no idea what really happened in Game 1, so I don't feel qualified to give you any kind of intelligent commentary or preview on today's game. I'll just say... come on, Flyers, if you can get a two goal lead on them, you can do it again... but for crying out loud, hold onto it this time.

After that, I'm off to my writer's group where this week I'm presenting a new story called "Dead Mouse". Well, it's not really new, I started it about six months ago and it's coming along very slowly. It's a nice break, though, from the editing of Analog which is going okay, but slower than I had hoped (partly for creative reasons, partly because I have the attention span of a goldfish and I'm easily distracted by the baseball standings and Kristen Schaal videos). I'm rewriting an entire sequence right now and I'm struggling with it a bit, but I think I'll get it eventually. I always do.

Anyway, "Dead Mouse" is fine, plus I baked a coffee cake for the group.

Next: Flyers/Caps Game 2, as previously noted; Phils go for the sweep.

Now playing: The Futureheads, "Decent Days and Nights"