Today's rant, and then I really should go do something productive

I only follow the NBA because I love the Sixers. I say this because it's become clear to me that it's a messed up league and if I ever have any excuse to stop following it I will probably grab that excuse and run with it. To put it another way: if you told me I'm only allowed to follow a maximum of four sports and that I would have to drop one in order to follow the new soccer team, I'd drop the NBA. I really would, which breaks my heart because, again, I love the Sixers, but it wouldn't be their fault really. They'd be the unfortunate victims here. My ire is rather directed at the league as a whole. First of all there's David Stern, who might be a literally evil man. Then there's the whole debacle with the SuperSonics, which still leaves a really bad taste in my mouth and makes me hate myself for giving the league money. And then there's this whole nonsense with everyone speculating about where LeBron James will be in 2010 - it's just offensive to me that people are more interested in what's going to happen in the league a year and a half from now than they are in watching games that are actually happening at this exact moment. But ultimately, I think my unease of late has more to do with the league's extreme and almost absurd lack of parity. Take a look at the current standings. You've got FIVE teams who are 10 or more games under .500. TEN games!!! Throw in Golden State and Memphis, each at 5-14, and that's seven teams with appallingly terrible records. Now, I know that's there's always going to be bottom-feeders and doormats in every league, but SEVEN of them? That's almost a quarter of the league. Why do these teams exist, when it's obvious that there aren't enough quality, NBA-level players to fill them? How do they take money from their fans with a straight face?

In the past, I was never one to blame expansion, partially because I have this weird, nerdy fascination with expansion teams, and the movement/addition of franchises in general, but as I've gotten older I realize that it's really the problem. (Most likely not a great idea in soccer, either, but I'm going to just ignore that for now.) I think the league would be considerably stronger if you ditched like six of these teams. A 24-team NBA would rock. But what six teams? I don't know, and unfortunately my favorite team is one of those teams currently at the bottom in attendance, so it would be pretty hypocritical of me to suggest folding, say, the Clippers, wouldn't it?

I've been grappling with the problem of the Sixers' low attendance for a while now. They didn't even sell out their playoff games back in April, which still just amazes and saddens me. I went to all three of them and it was just embarrassing seeing all those empty seats - in the playoffs! But I think, maybe, that I'm not the only one who has noticed the league's almost epic lack of parity, and most Philadelphians just didn't believe that a team like the Sixers - a good, fun team last spring, but not a real contender - had any chance against the likes of the Celtics/Lakers/Pistons, et al.

Which reminds me, take a look at those standings again. Conversely, there are teams on top like Boston, LA, and Cleveland, who are winning like 85% or more of their games, and are unbeatable to the point where you have to just kind of catch them on a bad night, and get lucky, to even have a shot. Does it really benefit the league to have a bunch of unstoppable monsters like that playing games against the doormats? Would you watch a Celtics (19-2) vs. Thunder (2-18) game? What would be the point?

Actually, the main reason I'm pissed off is because I'm still not over the fact that the Celtics were one of the league's worst teams in 2006-07, and then suddenly won the championship in 2007-08, and nobody is brave enough to stand up and say that it's obvious they got that good so quickly because they acquired one of the best players in the league from Minnesota, whose GM is Kevin McHale, a former Celtic, and if the league had any guts it would investigate the fact that it was a crappy, fake, lopsided trade and McHale was just trying to help his former team, and anyone who argues differently is a douchebag. So, yes, this entire lengthy post was just an excuse, ultimately, for me to complain about a Boston team. And you know what? It was worth it. Die, Boston, die!!!

Four more

Back a bit early to report that it's the Rays. They just beat Boston a few minutes ago to advance to the World Series (WORLD SERIES!) against the Phillies (WORLD SERIES!!!). (Of course, you're not coming here to find out who won the ALCS, are you? You do know that there are many hundreds of more reputable sports news sources, right?)

I didn't really go out into the revelry after the game the other night (I wanted to link to a YouTube clip of same, but I there's like a thousand of them and I can't remember which one I was watching the other night and they're all about the same, so go find them yourself).

That's okay. I'm saving it.

But I did see one cool thing that night, which is that I was getting ready for bed - I was literally in the process of flossing my teeth - when I heard a string band! I dashed outside in my socks, and there they were, a bunch of Mummers in Phils t-shirts, clutching their instruments and beer, marching up 2nd Street behind a motorcycle. I've never been so proud.

The next morning I had to step out of the house very early, and I was walking back to the house at 6:30 AM and I passed by a woman who appeared to be spraying her kids' heads with aerosol cans (I'd like to believe that she was coloring their hair red for the Phils, but I couldn't tell in the light, so it'll have to remain a mystery for the ages). I was wearing the same Jim Thome t-shirt I had worn the night before, which she saw, and she asked me, "You're not coming back from last night now, are you?" That was cool too.

Meanwhile, today I was walking around the neighborhood in my Phils cap - as is the custom of my people - and two different guys saw me and were like "Phils! Going all the way baby!" or something similar. This is what a good, weird mood everyone is in - we're all just sort of in this daze, we can't believe the Phils are in the World Series (WORLD SERIES!) and we're happy for any excuse to be reminded of it. Anyway I just sort of looked over at them, smiled, and said, "Four More". I am proposing this as the greeting we all give each other from now on. When you see another fan, just say "Four More" (hold up four fingers, too, if you can), and as soon as they win a game you can start saying "Three More", and so on. Give it a try, it's a great feeling.

I have no thoughts yet on the Rays; I'll work on it. Part of me is sort of relieved, not because I think they're more easily beatable than the Red Sox or anything (I saw that as a toss-up, really) but because of the external factor of how annoying it would be to play the Red Sox, given that Fox and ESPN and whoever else you want to name would be totally and blatantly rooting for them. But that's not relevant anymore, so I'll shed that particular bit of cynicism and move on. But before I do, here are two isolated thoughts on the Rays' late opponent:

1. I would happily pay thousands of dollars to go to a fantasy camp where you get to just wail on Jonathan Papelbon like he's a speedbag. Does a person that annoying occur naturally, or was he made in a laboratory?

2. Kevin Youkilis has the worst batting stance I've ever seen. It's worse than Craig Counsell's. It actually makes me hate baseball, just a little bit.

Speaking of batting stances, there's this. And after you've looked at that, you can look at this, and then listen to this, and for good measure, here's this for no reason.

So, coming reasonably soon, some more detailed thoughts on the impending overwhelming fantasticness that is - get ready for it - the Phillies in the World Series (WORLD SERIES!!!!!!).

So, today my two favorite AL teams, the White Sox and Angels, got eliminated. Fortunately, I don't have time to care this year.

BEAT LA! It's so nice to be able to say that again. I mean I'm always sort of thinking it, so this just validates it. The picture above is from Game 2 - I'm just that far behind. Game 3 was dumb, let's never speak of it again. Game 4 was fantastic, a real joy to watch. Blanton really gave me hope for the rest of the way - if Moyer bounces back, that's four solid starters.

Just let me add a few words about Game 2, because I was there. Much has already been written about Myers' amazing at-bat against Sabathia but you really kind of had to see it to get it. I've never been one to put much stock in the effect fans have on a team - I figure if a team's good it's good, and could play in a vacuum (not literally) or in the desert or wherever and play roughly as well. (Bill Simmons is always going on and on about how the Celtics play better because Celtics fans are so incredibly great and wonderful, and you know how I feel about that guy and his lunatic opinions.) But I must admit, I really think the crowd urged Myers on - we weren't just going to settle for our crappily-hitting pitcher striking out on three pitches. He needed to foul some off, and he did. I don't know, maybe not. At any rate, I've seen pitchers get hits and RBI, I've seen pitchers hit home runs, I've seen pitchers hit grand slams - but I think it might have been the greatest at-bat by a pitcher ever.

Hey, the Phillies are in the NLCS, I'm allowed a little hyperbole.

I think we match up well with the Dodgers. I'd like to believe that if we can shut Manny down and get some timely hitting, we'll be fine. Maybe it's not that simple. Either way, we will play better than the Cubs did, I genuinely believe that. Stupid loser Cubs.

I just read that Game 2 will be at 4:00 on Friday, which is actually pretty awesome because it means I get to go see Wire at Johnny Brenda's after the game after all (I thought I was going to have to bag the show). Well, other than that, it's a wildly stupid and inconvenient time, but for once, national TV's total unwillingness to put the Phillies in prime time works in my favor.

Any other time, I'd be rooting for Milwaukee. I consider the Brewers and the Phillies to be in that brotherhood of long-suffering teams, and anybody who can follow a team like that for very long deserves to see a championship some day. (The Inquirer today had an article about Milwaukee, and at one point profiled a guy who gave up on the Brewers long ago and became a Yankees fan. Can you imagine being friends with such a person?)

But it just didn't work out this year, and therefore I have to consider them an obstacle.

The Phils need to score a bit more. Too many LOBs, too much walking the tightrope with a slim lead and the likes of Fielder and Braun at the plate. But somehow it's working, and I believe that it will continue to do so. There's nobody I'd rather have on the mound today than Jamie, and I think the hitting will pick up. If Ryan wakes up and has a big game, there's no stopping us.

Should be a fun game.

My quick assessments of the other three series:

1. Come on, White Sox, get it together. Still, the Rays give hope to the Pirates and Royals of the world, wouldn't you say?
2. I hate the Red Sox. (I actually have nothing else to add here.)
3. Seriously, the Cubs look awful. What is their deal? I mean, really, literally any other team would have done better than the Cubs did in Game 2. The Nationals lost 102 games, but did they ever have four errors in one game? (Well, maybe they did. I'm just not sure how to look it up.) If you make four errors in a game, you shouldn't be in the playoffs.

But enough of that. It's game day. I want this game, for obvious reasons, and because baseball is a funny thing and if you let the Brewers hang around then one day you look up and the Phillies are on that "teams that blew a 2-0 lead in the playoffs" graphic. Keep doing what you do, guys, and you'll put it away today.

Let's go Phils!!!

It's the Brewers

I was kind of ambivalent about today's games. I couldn't see much advantage between facing the Brewers or the Dodgers, so I figured I'd just let it happen and worry about it later. I also - as much as this may surprise you - decided not to gloat and act like a jerk if the Mets got eliminated, which they did. I certainly know all about crushing disappointment, so I know how the Mets fans must feel. A Mets fan friend of Andrew's was gracious enough to text him with congratulations yesterday, so they can't be totally horrible. I didn't root for or against them today.

Except Endy Chavez. I rooted for him to make an out in that final inning, because he is pure evil and I don't like him. And then he grounded out, which was really great.

Anyway, that's enough "blogging" for one day. Look for my Phillies/Brewers preview soon, just as soon as I learn some of the Milwaukee players' names.

LET'S GO EAGLES!!!

Melodrama's so much fun, black and white for everyone... to seeeeeeee...... TO SEE.

All right, maybe Dolphin Stadium isn't necessarily "evil". Maybe the Phils are just in a kind of slump and can't score runs at the moment. Seems reasonable. I don't know if today's three runs (every one of which they had to scrape and claw for) are exactly going to snap them out of it, but it's a start. Plus the Braves and Mets lost today, so crisis averted for now.

Speaking of the Mets, I saw their score (a 5-4 loss to the D-Backs) flash on the TV and I actually laughed. I've never literally laughed at a score before. And I don't mean I did a sarcastic mean fake laugh like "Ha ha, stupid Mets", I mean I had checked that score earlier in the day and the Mets were winning 4-2 and I figured they'd hold on, and now I don't know why I thought that. The sight of yet another Mets bullpen collapse made me laugh. I hate to just blow them off because it's a long season and I'm sure they'll be a pain in my ass again at some point this year, but really, it's getting ugly over there. Ha ha, stupid Mets.

As I write this the Celtics are losing by 19 points. Now, there's been a lot of talk lately about the NBA's possible shadiness and whether their games are on the up and up, so to speak. Maybe, yeah, maybe it's in the best interest of the league for this series to go 6 or 7... but on the other hand, barring a meteor hitting the Staples Center right now, which would be the ideal scenario, the second best scenario would be Boston collapsing and losing the series in humiliating fashion. So I'm in favor of a tied series right now... no questions asked. Yes, I know the Lakers are evil and they beat us in 2001 and their star player is a rapist, but on the other hand, have I mentioned that I hate Boston? Also, I love Kareem Abdul-Jabaar because he was in Airplane!

Lakers/Celtics

Good lord... I'm not actually rooting for the Lakers, am I? I think I am. What have I become?

The thing is, though, Boston has completely beaten me down. I don't even have the energy to hate them. It's a Sisyphean task. Just when you expend the energy to hate one of their teams, another one springs out of nowhere to win another title. Who has the time? So sure, another title for the Celtics, that's fine too. I can't be bothered.

Some disorganized thoughts about the Super Bowl

I really need to take a shower and do my grocery shopping, but let me throw some thoughts at you first.

I agree with a letter writer in today's Inquirer that it's wrong for the paper to promote "hatred" of New York and Boston teams, as they did earlier this week. I've had an issue with the Inquirer doing this for many years, dating back to 1996, when the sports section had this giant feature article about how much we're supposed to "hate" the Cowboys... and then on Monday morning, got high and mighty and chastized fans for cheering Michael Irvin's injury. (That's a whole other issue I don't have time for at the moment.) Anyway, I'm not sure if I've ever written anything about this before but I've always felt that I do indeed "hate" other teams, but in a kind of abstract, "sports" kind of way, like I "hate" the Giants but I don't really "hate", say, Eli Manning in any real way. I've never met him, he might very well be a totally cool guy. (Well, except for the part where he cried and complained about how he didn't want to play in San Diego, and forced a trade to New York, and then earlier this year said in an interview how much he hates playing in cold weather, which is stupid because he could have played in America's most beautiful city!!! And he didn't just cry and complain by himself, no, he got his dad involved, that's what a loser he is, he gets his dad to fight his battles with the league for him. Wow, okay, maybe I do hate Eli Manning. So Eli's a bad example.)

Anyway. The point is, it is indeed the height of petty bitterness for us Eagles fans to just sit around hating the Giants and Patriots for playing in the Super Bowl, when really it's not "hate", it's just jealousy. Which is very small of us. The Patriots are an undeniably great team; the Giants have had a fantastic run. It's idiotic to deny that. And it was very irresponsible of the Inquirer to print the word "HATE" in enormous letters, encouraging us to be jealous and bitter. (The letter-writer was also a bit hyperbolic and self-righteous, but that just comes with the territory. It takes a special brand of crazy to bother writing letters to a newspaper sports section, if you don't mind my saying.)

I've long felt that the Inquirer's sportswriters have made a career of making fun of Philly sports fans for being negative, when the reality is that they themselves are just relentlessly negative people. I mean, Bob Ford, he's just endlessly cynical. Frank Fitzpatrick writes some great sports history articles, but his "Morning Bytes" column is just unreadable, unfunny junk where he sounds desperately bitter and unhappy and tired of his job. Stephen A. Smith (mercifully fired), don't get me started on that crazy asshole. Even Phil Sheridan, who I like, sounds like he can't quite believe he actually does something as stupid as watching sports for a living. I'm no longer sure what my point is.

Having said all that... I really hate the Patriots and the Giants. I have no idea who to root for. I'm rooting for any of the following to occur:

a. The game is cancelled five minutes before kickoff, and the Eagles are declared the champs for no apparent reason. (I think this happened once in the 70s.)

b. The teams play the long-fabled Eternal Overtime, being unable to score after regulation for the next 50 years. Whenever a player dies, his oldest son has to take his uniform and keep playing for him.

c. I can't remember my third idea. When is spring training?

Maybe I should think of it as a win-win situation. If the Giants win, I get to be amused by the crying and complaining from Boston fans. If the Patriots win, then the Giants lost, and that's cool too.

Now's as good a time as any for my prediction, which I'm sure you've been waiting for with bated breath: Patriots, 35-21. Yeah, I'm just that daring!

So, I'm playing one of those "grid" pools at work, and my numbers are Patriots 9, Giants 5. Those are such thoroughly terrible numbers. So I probably can't even derive that small enjoyment from the game either. Worst Super Bowl ever!

Opening Day is March 31!!!

Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said: The Return!

All right. Who's ready for some classic, old school Phillies Diary sports ranting? I've got one all bottled up in me and it's all ready to go, so let's go.

This is in response to a Bill Simmons column from last Friday. It's not very timely, but cut me a break, I moved into a new house this weekend. What do you want? You're lucky I even got out of bed this week.

Before I do that, allow me to quickly mention a Simmons column from before that (about two weeks ago). I won't get into it. Long story short: Simmons, whose favorite baseball team just won the World Series, and whose favorite basketball team was at that point undefeated, saw fit to write a 50,000 word column complaining about the officiating in a game that his favorite football team won - on the road, no less, against their most bitter rival, to go 9-0. It was most assuredly the most arrogant, classless, hate-filled, unreadable pile of whining nonsense I've ever seen, and it made me seriously wonder why I spend my days copyediting medical texts that I don't understand when evidently it's much, much easier to be a professional writer than I had always thought. It was just horrible. I mean, seriously, jackass, the Pats won the game. They're the best team ever, okay? What do you want from me? There's no NFL conspiracy to make them lose, you paranoid maniac. OH GOD! I can't even think about it anymore so let's just move on.

So, a week later Simmons writes this, which at first glance is just more dull, lazy Patriots ass-kissing, but looking over it again I noticed this:

By the way, I'm furious about all these Colts injuries that probably killed their season. The football fan in me is furious because this particular Colts team was built for cold weather/January football, which would have made the AFC Championship Game a helluva lot more interesting than the Steelers getting blown out in Foxborough (which is where we're headed). The Patriots fan in me is furious because a 19-0 season wouldn't feel quite the same if they didn't beat the Colts twice.

You know what it's like, actually? When the '86 Celtics were slapping together the greatest NBA season ever, they avenged the '85 Finals in two regular-season wins over the Lakers, rolled through the East in the playoffs and were poised to destroy Showtime as we knew it. So what happened? The Lakers never showed up! They got smoked in the West finals by an underrated Houston team. To this day, every Celtics fan feels cheated by the fact we didn't get the Lakers.

Okay. I just went and took a few deep breaths, looked over my tape of the Phils' division title-clinching game, and I feel a little calmer. So let's attempt to parse this lunacy, shall we?

If this is indicative of all Boston fans, then they are the most spoiled rotten collection of assholes in the universe. Simmons makes two wildly ridiculous claims here, which, as a lover of truth and non-stupidity, I refuse to let pass without comment.

Ridiculous Claim #1: He seems to be suggesting that a 19-0 Pats season wouldn't mean as much if they don't beat the Colts again in the playoffs. Simmons, you are on drugs. Nobody has ever gone 19-0 before! It's completely unprecedented! That wouldn't impress you? You wouldn't spend the rest of your life marveling that your favorite team had such an unbelievable, unforgettable, epic, historic season? You really hate the Colts that much? This guy is so hatefully jealous of Peyton Manning, it's just sickening. Look, man, Peyton is rich, talented, popular, and the starting quarterback of an NFL team, and you're not. It's just something you're going to have to deal with. Stop fantasizing about Tom Brady beating and humiliating him and just try to enjoy your team's success for once.

Ridiculous Claim #2: For many years now Simmons has been pimping the '86 Celtics as the best team ever. That's fine, because he's a Celtics fan (lord knows I consider the '80 Phillies to be the greatest sports team ever assembled), and he knows more about basketball than I do so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But now, suddenly, he says it wasn't quite as good because they beat the Rockets in the Finals, not the Lakers. Dear lord, that's obnoxious. I would like to poll all Celtics fans and ask them if they give a rat's ass who the opponent was that year, because I really believe that Simmons is alone on this one. Again: spoiled rotten. "Cheated"? "Cheated"? What goddamn right do you have to even think that? Where do you get off? I guess I'm annoyed about this because I'm a Philly fan, and we treasure all moments of even mild success, for fear that they may never come again. Like, if one of my teams won a title, I wouldn't complain in the slightest about who they beat to win it. The Phillies could beat the Red Sox in seven, they could beat the Devil Rays in an incredibly boring sweep. They could beat an American Legion team that was in the MLB playoffs due to a computer error. I honestly wouldn't care.

All of this makes me think that if the Patriots lose this season, it should be declared a national holiday and we should get off work the next day, and take to the streets and get wasted and celebrate the ruining of their perfect season, because the very last thing we need is another thing for scumbag Boston fans to be happy and arrogant about. I literally cannot wait until that team loses. I'd get a tape of that game and hold onto it forever and watch it whenever life is getting me down. How glorious, how beautiful an image that is!

It also makes me think that maybe I should just stop reading the guy.

KSLOTW: Kristen's MySpace features a bunch of videos including the "Penelope" series, the infamous "Horse" song, and "Angry Erotic Sheep". Hours and hours of grainy, choppy cuteness.

Double Feature! (Or, two short things I feel like writing at 1:30 AM while I listen to In Rainbows and simultaneously watch the end of Rockies/D-Backs Game 2, which is still on as I write this, because the start times in these playoffs have been wildly ridiculous and disgraceful and unfair and clearly intended to favor the Yankees and Red Sox, god how I hate them both, but anyway.)

1. Charlie '08
I think that many sports fans secretly long for something terrible to happen to their team, because it gives them something to complain about for the rest of their lives - a badge of honor they can wear as a sign that they truly love their team, even in the bad times. That's why, for example, Red Sox fans to this day complain about one bad move that Grady Little made in the 2003 ALCS, even though their team is a perennial contender, and most baseball observers agree that a manager doesn't have nearly as much of an effect on a team as people think, and anyway they went on to win the World Series a year later, and might very well win it this year, so they all need to calm down. Similarly, people here were very quick to jump all over Charlie Manuel for pulling Kendrick in Game 2, because, in my opinion, everyone subconsciously recognized it as the kind of thing that would enter Phillies lore, like we’d be talking about it decades from now like how we talk about Chico Ruiz or the 1977 NLCS or Joe Carter to this day. But really, was it even that bad? Kendrick, as I remember it (and I was there), was allowing way too many baserunners, and I think he was going to get burned eventually anyway. I don’t think Lohse was such a terrible idea. The problem was, the Rockies were, and are, probably the hottest, most momentum-y team I have literally ever seen, and everything they do works out and every player is simultaneously peaking like crazy, so of course light-hitting Kaz Matsui hits a grand slam there with two outs. It sucks and I’m not happy about it, but it just wasn’t the Phils’ week. The Rockies were just better. Charlie’s not the reason why they lost the series – the Phils lost Games 1 and 3 as well, two completely winnable games wherein the pitching was pretty good, but the Phils could only score three runs over the entire two games - all three of them solo homers. That’s pretty bad, but there it is. So don’t blame Charlie for the sweep, blame Aaron Rowand for grounding out weakly to second, which he did like 45 times.

Anyway, this is all my roundabout way of saying I approve of two more years of Charlie. He’s good for these players. Give him a better pitching staff and this team will go places in ’08. I’d stake my reputation as a professional, widely-renowned bloggist on it!

2. And now, another episode of “Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said”
An insufferable, endlessly long, self-congratulatory article from Bill Simmons today, about how the Red Sox and Patriots are currently favorites to win championships, and the Celtics are suddenly really good and might win 60 games this year. Actually, in fairness, there’s some interesting points in the article, and it’s reasonably well-written, but still. I find the Red Sox and Patriots totally irritating and I am no fan of either, but ultimately I can put up with them winning titles – I’m not happy about it, but they’re undeniably great teams. But really, the last thing I need is for the Celtics to become a powerhouse. Good lord, that would be horrible. Call it sour grapes if you must. But really, think about it: the Eagles are 1-3, the Sixers are wretched, the Flyers are potentially good but have already had two players suspended this year for unbelievably brutal, violent goonery, and the Phils scratched and clawed their way to their first playoff spot in 14 years only to forget how to play baseball once they got there. Meanwhile, this guy’s three favorite teams might all win titles in the next year. What in the world did I do that was so horrible that I deserve such a fate? When is our time? Did Boston make some kind of deal with Satan? And can we get in on that deal?

(Somewhat related thing, but not really, but I feel like mentioning it: You could just walk up to the stadium and buy a ticket for Game 1 of the NLCS in Arizona. That’s just totally horrible. I mean, come on, Phoenix, you have that giant stadium for exactly these games. How can you not sell out? It’s the NLCS!!! The NLCS isn’t good enough for you? How can you be that jaded? [bored voice] “Oh, the NLCS? Wake me when they make the World Series.” For crying out loud. There were people camping out overnight to get standing room only tickets for the last Phillies game. And the playoff games sold out instantly too. I can’t even imagine what people would do for NLCS tickets in Philly. I think I’d dive through plate glass for that. You disappoint me, Arizona.)

Bonus thing: More Kristen Schaal links!!!
I’m very tired and delirious and I’m not entirely responsible for my actions right now, and you know what that means: more obsessing over a celebrity I’ll never meet! I feel like the montage earlier this week didn’t do Kristen enough justice, so here’s a great Mel moment (featuring my favorite line: “Oh, I thought you said they did!”) and here’s another and here's another. OMG CUTENESS! Why doesn’t she have, like, her own show on Comedy Central, and comedy albums and live DVDs? What kind of culture do we have here, where there isn’t a constant Kristen Schaal presence in every possible form of media at all times? Am I being unreasonable?

Meanwhile, here’s an interview from HBO, in which she’s so unbelievably cute you have to avert your eyes like at the end of Raiders, or her cuteness will destroy you like it destroyed me. You’ve been warned. Plus, in addition to the nonstop mesmerizing loveliness, she also comes off as kind of deranged. It’s great.

Oh, I’ve found plenty more, and I won’t stop posting them until I’m done. You literally can’t stop me. Stay tuned!

[UPDATE, 2:23 AM: Rockies/D-Backs now in the 11th inning, and the stadium in Arizona is pretty much sold out with very few empty seats. So I take back what I said. I’m kind of a jerk.]

[UPDATE, 2:45 AM: The Rockies won again. They lead ARI 2-games-nil. I’m starting to feel kind of stupid that I ever thought we could beat them. Man, that is a scary, scary team.]