Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said (Eagles Playoff Edition)

Okay, I've calmed down a bit but I was really just wildly annoyed about this Friday and yesterday. Long story short, Simmons offers some Clippers tickets last week to a friend of his who's a "die-hard" Eagles fan:

So Clipps-Dallas or Iggs-Dallas? Hmm, that should be pretty easy ... an early-season NBA day game between an historically & dysfunctionally miserable team and an aging, underachieving, boring team with zero playoff or global implications ... OR a last-game-of-the-year showdown between the football team I've rooted for fruitlessly for 45 years, still dreaming that they'll pick up on Phillies karma and do the unthinkable by somehow eking their way to Tampa and then making the third time the charm ... and the hated, evil archrivals who come as close to the Celtics as any pro team ever has in terms of hatability ... BUT -- even if Al's Raiders manage to upset the Bucs, making the 4.15 tilt a winner-goes-on, loser-goes-home Instant Classic, raising the specter of Wilbert Montgomery all over again, I just don't think I can let myself get sucked in again. Andy's not up to it, Donovan's not up to it, our receivers aren't up to it, Westy can't do it all by himself ... after last weekend's debacle in DC, sitting there with a raging flu all by myself for seven hours, nursing the unlikely Raiders over the Bucs and then watching the Iggs self-destruct against a team who had pretty much folded the tents and whose coach had pretty much said, "ok, just put me out of my misery ... " I can't do it to myself. I would rather take my kid to a totally meaningless, emotionless NBA game, set the TiVo in case the Raiders pull it off and then torture myself trying to avoid the score on the Staples scoreboards and listen to Sirius on the way home and then close the door and suffer in silence. So yeah, I'll take the tickets.

Of all the asinine lunacy Simmons has printed over the years, perhaps nothing has pissed me off as much as this nonsense. Last Sunday ended up being one of the greatest days in Eagles history, and this guy missed it because he was at a Clippers-Mavericks game. And now that I think about it, that's not even what I'm annoyed about, because that's his thing and he has to live with it. (It does amuse me to imagine him someday going to an Eagles tailgate, and talking to some 700 level types who have been drinking since 5 AM, and them going "Hey, remember that awesome game when the Birds beat Dallas by 38 points?" and he'd have to say, "No, I missed it, I was at a Clippers game", and, well, then he would have problems, and rightly so, because that's just stupid.)

No, what annoys me is that Simmons gets to print this idiocy without anyone being able to call him on it, and now him and other like-minded national media d-bags get to walk around thinking that this guy represents all Eagles fans. I mean, look, I have no idea if the Eagles will do anything good in these playoffs. Reid annoys me just about constantly, McNabb is painfully inconsistent, the receivers are basically horrible... but damn it, if you consider yourself a real Eagles fan, and they're playing a potentially do or die game in the season finale against the Cowboys... you sit your ass in front of that TV and watch it. Period. And if you're not going to do that, at least do something productive with your time; don't spend your day subjecting your innocent child to a Clippers game. For crying out loud, man.

Seriously, screw this guy and screw Simmons for being friends with him.

If you're from outside Philly and all you know about Philly fans is what you read in Bill Simmons columns, I would like to assure you: the Eagles drive us nuts, but they're in the playoffs and we're behind them all the way. Go get 'em, Birds.

GO EAGLES!!!

As usual, Bill Simmons would rather be shot in the spine and paralyzed than say something positive about a Philadelphia team

Meanwhile, I think I feel all right about the eventual second half of Game 5. Oh, the whole thing is an appalling debacle, which I could rant about for pages and pages, but I'm trying to move on. I've decided to look at the whole thing as an interesting intellectual exercise, i.e. Charlie Manuel has something like 48 hours between the top of the 6th and the bottom of the 6th - will he be prepared for it???

I suspect that he'll put in Matt Stairs (or possibly Greg Dobbs) against Balfour, at which point Maddon will put in David Price, at which point Manuel will replace Stairs/Dobbs with Chris Coste.

Beyond that I make no predictions. I just remind my fellow Philadelphians of the following crucial point: we have twelve outs to work with, they have nine.

Also, we have a great bullpen and we're at home. And they have their 6-8 hitters up in the 7th. (Hmm, I wonder if it wouldn't be such a bad thing to walk the #8 guy to bring up Price, or force Price out for a pinch hitter. Assuming we can get the other guys out of course.) And we have the heart of the order coming up in the 7th.

Also, the Phillies are, as far as I can tell and per my ability to gauge what my favorite athletes are thinking at any given time, really pissed off about this whole thing. They're mad. Normally that means nothing in baseball, but when you're nine outs away from being the champs...

That's all I feel like saying now.

One more! (Or is it one half more?)

Wrong hat, I guess

What a busy weekend for me to miss! I've been up in Massachusetts for three days and missed an epic amount of Philly sports. (By the way, I've always suspected this, but this is the first time I've been able to confirm it firsthand: the Red Sox up there are like the Eagles down here, except times 10. Every other person I saw was wearing a Sox hat or shirt or jacket or pants or something. I'd be pissed off about it, but they're on their own turf, so I've got no real problem with it (just the fake problems of jealousy, vindictiveness, being a general jerk, etc.). It's only when "Red Sox Nation" [cut to me vomiting profusely] starts bleeding into every other region of the country, that's when those people get reprehensible. I think since October 2004, not a SINGLE DAY has gone by that I haven't seen somebody in a Red Sox hat... and I live 300+ miles from Boston! I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to take these people before I start committing hate crimes.)

(On the subject of Boston scumbags, Bill Simmons has a new column this week - uncharacteristically about hockey - which might be the most despicable thing he's ever written. Just a bunch of arrogant, hypocritical, poorly argued, poorly researched garbage. But that's all I'm going to say about it, because I'm trying to wean myself off of getting upset about that guy's dumbass rantings. I'm not even going to link to it, for which you should probably thank me. (Though if you really want to see another installment of "Dumb Things That Bill Simmons Said", I do take requests.))

Where was I before I started complaining about irrelevant things like a jerk? Oh yeah. So, I missed both Flyers games, and they lost both of them. I'm certainly not suggesting that my presence is required in Philadelphia for them to win, because that would be crazy talk. On the other hand... I'm just sayin'. I've returned home to find a Game 7 waiting for me. Puck-dropping occurs at 7 PM and that's where my eyeballs will be pointed.

I have no idea what happened in those two games but at the very least I'm upset about the loss of momentum, hockey being a game of having and/or not having momentum. Actually, I guess that describes pretty much all sports. I'm not sure what my point is beyond just saying that if the Flyers go back to playing some good ol' Flyers hockey, and not let Divey McScoresgoals take over the game like he seems to feel the need to do, they should be okay. Let's do it!

Meanwhile, I asked Andrew to text me Sixers score updates on Sunday night while I was busy at the seder. And then, of course, I completely forgot that I has asked him that, so when I finally checked my phone at like 1 AM there were eight messages from him relating the weekend's most thrilling narrative: the Sixers' win over Detroit in Game 1! Fantastic stuff. I'm very excited about Game 2 tomorrow, but having said that I can only concentrate on the Flyers right now, so thoughts about the Sixers will have to wait.

And then there's the always perplexing Phillies. I made kind of an ass myself at the game on Friday, which I'm not proud of. Greg Dobbs hit a huge home run to cut the Mets' lead to 5-4, so I turned toward a big section of Mets fans nearby, gave 'em the finger, and started a "NEW YORK SUCKS!" chant. There were probably a few f-words in there somewhere too. Anyway, then I turned to my dad, who was just sort of shaking his head, and he said "We're still losing, you know." And of course, he was right, and we never took the lead at all. My dad's not big on displays of poor sportsmanship. He's a good guy, and a better man than I.

Anyway, turns out Johan Santana is really good. I'm not ready to hand the Mets the division title or anything, I mean I'm not Tim Kurkjian over here, because they still have to win on the other four days Santana's not pitching. I still think we match up really well with them, and I suppose I'm looking forward to our next matchup with Santana to see how that goes. None of this, of course, can help the fact that he shut us down on Friday and we lost.

And then they lost the Saturday game, and won the one on Sunday, and won the one last night. They're 10-10. Who are the real Phillies? The home run hitting powerhouse with the much better than expected pitching? Or the clumsy, error-prone, non-hitting, non-pitching sloppy dudes? I have no idea. It's April 22. Give 'em time.

Not happy about Jimmy on the DL, and I reserve judgment on the various gaggle of callups that happened in my absence. I've sort of written myself into an obvious hole with this ridiculous Husker Du song thing, but I'll give it a try with the new guys:

Chris Snelling: "From the Gut"
T.J. Bohn: "Friend, You've Got to Fall"
Brad Harman: "Too Far Down"

Puzzle over that, won't you? Gotta go.

GO FLYERS!!!

Dumb Things a Bill Simmons Fan Said

Q: I went to the Pats game at Giants Stadium last night. While the game itself was awesome, my favorite moment was before the game. Walking around the parking lot before the game we came across about 15 people sitting around a television in the back of a truck. On the TV was Game 4 of the 2004 American League Championship Series. We arrived right before "The Steal." We all yelled for Dave Roberts to take off, accompanied by a bunch of "we have no chance ... Rivera never blows a save ..." Everyone erupted when Roberts slid in safe, and a bunch of Yankees fans looked on in disgust from the other parking spots. Then, I went in and watched my football team complete a perfect 16-0 season. Life doesn't get much better than this, does it?--Chris, Quincy, Mass.

SG: If we could send e-mails through time, and somebody sent this mailbag question to the 2000 Me, I probably would have passed out.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I hope Boston gets hit by a meteor.

Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said: The Return!

All right. Who's ready for some classic, old school Phillies Diary sports ranting? I've got one all bottled up in me and it's all ready to go, so let's go.

This is in response to a Bill Simmons column from last Friday. It's not very timely, but cut me a break, I moved into a new house this weekend. What do you want? You're lucky I even got out of bed this week.

Before I do that, allow me to quickly mention a Simmons column from before that (about two weeks ago). I won't get into it. Long story short: Simmons, whose favorite baseball team just won the World Series, and whose favorite basketball team was at that point undefeated, saw fit to write a 50,000 word column complaining about the officiating in a game that his favorite football team won - on the road, no less, against their most bitter rival, to go 9-0. It was most assuredly the most arrogant, classless, hate-filled, unreadable pile of whining nonsense I've ever seen, and it made me seriously wonder why I spend my days copyediting medical texts that I don't understand when evidently it's much, much easier to be a professional writer than I had always thought. It was just horrible. I mean, seriously, jackass, the Pats won the game. They're the best team ever, okay? What do you want from me? There's no NFL conspiracy to make them lose, you paranoid maniac. OH GOD! I can't even think about it anymore so let's just move on.

So, a week later Simmons writes this, which at first glance is just more dull, lazy Patriots ass-kissing, but looking over it again I noticed this:

By the way, I'm furious about all these Colts injuries that probably killed their season. The football fan in me is furious because this particular Colts team was built for cold weather/January football, which would have made the AFC Championship Game a helluva lot more interesting than the Steelers getting blown out in Foxborough (which is where we're headed). The Patriots fan in me is furious because a 19-0 season wouldn't feel quite the same if they didn't beat the Colts twice.

You know what it's like, actually? When the '86 Celtics were slapping together the greatest NBA season ever, they avenged the '85 Finals in two regular-season wins over the Lakers, rolled through the East in the playoffs and were poised to destroy Showtime as we knew it. So what happened? The Lakers never showed up! They got smoked in the West finals by an underrated Houston team. To this day, every Celtics fan feels cheated by the fact we didn't get the Lakers.

Okay. I just went and took a few deep breaths, looked over my tape of the Phils' division title-clinching game, and I feel a little calmer. So let's attempt to parse this lunacy, shall we?

If this is indicative of all Boston fans, then they are the most spoiled rotten collection of assholes in the universe. Simmons makes two wildly ridiculous claims here, which, as a lover of truth and non-stupidity, I refuse to let pass without comment.

Ridiculous Claim #1: He seems to be suggesting that a 19-0 Pats season wouldn't mean as much if they don't beat the Colts again in the playoffs. Simmons, you are on drugs. Nobody has ever gone 19-0 before! It's completely unprecedented! That wouldn't impress you? You wouldn't spend the rest of your life marveling that your favorite team had such an unbelievable, unforgettable, epic, historic season? You really hate the Colts that much? This guy is so hatefully jealous of Peyton Manning, it's just sickening. Look, man, Peyton is rich, talented, popular, and the starting quarterback of an NFL team, and you're not. It's just something you're going to have to deal with. Stop fantasizing about Tom Brady beating and humiliating him and just try to enjoy your team's success for once.

Ridiculous Claim #2: For many years now Simmons has been pimping the '86 Celtics as the best team ever. That's fine, because he's a Celtics fan (lord knows I consider the '80 Phillies to be the greatest sports team ever assembled), and he knows more about basketball than I do so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But now, suddenly, he says it wasn't quite as good because they beat the Rockets in the Finals, not the Lakers. Dear lord, that's obnoxious. I would like to poll all Celtics fans and ask them if they give a rat's ass who the opponent was that year, because I really believe that Simmons is alone on this one. Again: spoiled rotten. "Cheated"? "Cheated"? What goddamn right do you have to even think that? Where do you get off? I guess I'm annoyed about this because I'm a Philly fan, and we treasure all moments of even mild success, for fear that they may never come again. Like, if one of my teams won a title, I wouldn't complain in the slightest about who they beat to win it. The Phillies could beat the Red Sox in seven, they could beat the Devil Rays in an incredibly boring sweep. They could beat an American Legion team that was in the MLB playoffs due to a computer error. I honestly wouldn't care.

All of this makes me think that if the Patriots lose this season, it should be declared a national holiday and we should get off work the next day, and take to the streets and get wasted and celebrate the ruining of their perfect season, because the very last thing we need is another thing for scumbag Boston fans to be happy and arrogant about. I literally cannot wait until that team loses. I'd get a tape of that game and hold onto it forever and watch it whenever life is getting me down. How glorious, how beautiful an image that is!

It also makes me think that maybe I should just stop reading the guy.

KSLOTW: Kristen's MySpace features a bunch of videos including the "Penelope" series, the infamous "Horse" song, and "Angry Erotic Sheep". Hours and hours of grainy, choppy cuteness.

Double Feature! (Or, two short things I feel like writing at 1:30 AM while I listen to In Rainbows and simultaneously watch the end of Rockies/D-Backs Game 2, which is still on as I write this, because the start times in these playoffs have been wildly ridiculous and disgraceful and unfair and clearly intended to favor the Yankees and Red Sox, god how I hate them both, but anyway.)

1. Charlie '08
I think that many sports fans secretly long for something terrible to happen to their team, because it gives them something to complain about for the rest of their lives - a badge of honor they can wear as a sign that they truly love their team, even in the bad times. That's why, for example, Red Sox fans to this day complain about one bad move that Grady Little made in the 2003 ALCS, even though their team is a perennial contender, and most baseball observers agree that a manager doesn't have nearly as much of an effect on a team as people think, and anyway they went on to win the World Series a year later, and might very well win it this year, so they all need to calm down. Similarly, people here were very quick to jump all over Charlie Manuel for pulling Kendrick in Game 2, because, in my opinion, everyone subconsciously recognized it as the kind of thing that would enter Phillies lore, like we’d be talking about it decades from now like how we talk about Chico Ruiz or the 1977 NLCS or Joe Carter to this day. But really, was it even that bad? Kendrick, as I remember it (and I was there), was allowing way too many baserunners, and I think he was going to get burned eventually anyway. I don’t think Lohse was such a terrible idea. The problem was, the Rockies were, and are, probably the hottest, most momentum-y team I have literally ever seen, and everything they do works out and every player is simultaneously peaking like crazy, so of course light-hitting Kaz Matsui hits a grand slam there with two outs. It sucks and I’m not happy about it, but it just wasn’t the Phils’ week. The Rockies were just better. Charlie’s not the reason why they lost the series – the Phils lost Games 1 and 3 as well, two completely winnable games wherein the pitching was pretty good, but the Phils could only score three runs over the entire two games - all three of them solo homers. That’s pretty bad, but there it is. So don’t blame Charlie for the sweep, blame Aaron Rowand for grounding out weakly to second, which he did like 45 times.

Anyway, this is all my roundabout way of saying I approve of two more years of Charlie. He’s good for these players. Give him a better pitching staff and this team will go places in ’08. I’d stake my reputation as a professional, widely-renowned bloggist on it!

2. And now, another episode of “Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said”
An insufferable, endlessly long, self-congratulatory article from Bill Simmons today, about how the Red Sox and Patriots are currently favorites to win championships, and the Celtics are suddenly really good and might win 60 games this year. Actually, in fairness, there’s some interesting points in the article, and it’s reasonably well-written, but still. I find the Red Sox and Patriots totally irritating and I am no fan of either, but ultimately I can put up with them winning titles – I’m not happy about it, but they’re undeniably great teams. But really, the last thing I need is for the Celtics to become a powerhouse. Good lord, that would be horrible. Call it sour grapes if you must. But really, think about it: the Eagles are 1-3, the Sixers are wretched, the Flyers are potentially good but have already had two players suspended this year for unbelievably brutal, violent goonery, and the Phils scratched and clawed their way to their first playoff spot in 14 years only to forget how to play baseball once they got there. Meanwhile, this guy’s three favorite teams might all win titles in the next year. What in the world did I do that was so horrible that I deserve such a fate? When is our time? Did Boston make some kind of deal with Satan? And can we get in on that deal?

(Somewhat related thing, but not really, but I feel like mentioning it: You could just walk up to the stadium and buy a ticket for Game 1 of the NLCS in Arizona. That’s just totally horrible. I mean, come on, Phoenix, you have that giant stadium for exactly these games. How can you not sell out? It’s the NLCS!!! The NLCS isn’t good enough for you? How can you be that jaded? [bored voice] “Oh, the NLCS? Wake me when they make the World Series.” For crying out loud. There were people camping out overnight to get standing room only tickets for the last Phillies game. And the playoff games sold out instantly too. I can’t even imagine what people would do for NLCS tickets in Philly. I think I’d dive through plate glass for that. You disappoint me, Arizona.)

Bonus thing: More Kristen Schaal links!!!
I’m very tired and delirious and I’m not entirely responsible for my actions right now, and you know what that means: more obsessing over a celebrity I’ll never meet! I feel like the montage earlier this week didn’t do Kristen enough justice, so here’s a great Mel moment (featuring my favorite line: “Oh, I thought you said they did!”) and here’s another and here's another. OMG CUTENESS! Why doesn’t she have, like, her own show on Comedy Central, and comedy albums and live DVDs? What kind of culture do we have here, where there isn’t a constant Kristen Schaal presence in every possible form of media at all times? Am I being unreasonable?

Meanwhile, here’s an interview from HBO, in which she’s so unbelievably cute you have to avert your eyes like at the end of Raiders, or her cuteness will destroy you like it destroyed me. You’ve been warned. Plus, in addition to the nonstop mesmerizing loveliness, she also comes off as kind of deranged. It’s great.

Oh, I’ve found plenty more, and I won’t stop posting them until I’m done. You literally can’t stop me. Stay tuned!

[UPDATE, 2:23 AM: Rockies/D-Backs now in the 11th inning, and the stadium in Arizona is pretty much sold out with very few empty seats. So I take back what I said. I’m kind of a jerk.]

[UPDATE, 2:45 AM: The Rockies won again. They lead ARI 2-games-nil. I’m starting to feel kind of stupid that I ever thought we could beat them. Man, that is a scary, scary team.]