Bloody sock thing

With all due respect to Curt Schilling, who, despite being an irritating, arrogant, ranting maniac, was still a '93 Phillie and therefore one of the greatest human beings in history, this is officially the most asinine story in the history of baseball. I can't believe that even I am bringing it up, much less the world's most powerful sports news source. If anything could ever conclusively prove ESPN's blatant and ridiculous bias towards reporting any bit of news about the Red Sox and Yankees, no matter how irrelevant, uninteresting, or just plain insulting, at every possible opportunity, it's this nonsense. (In fairness, the Yankees aren't actually involved in this story except for a few cursory mentions from Schill himself, but you see my point.)

I would like to issue this challenge to ESPN: pick a day this summer when both the Red Sox and Yankees are off - May 24, for example - and don't mention them at all, anywhere. No articles about bloody socks or the Yankees "mystique". No A-Rod, no Manny, no Steinbrenner, no Epstein, no Phil Hughes, no Big Papi, no Jeter, no Varitek, no Green Monster, no "Dice-K", no "best rivalry in sports", no nothing. Oh, it would be bliss. Speaking on behalf of all fans of the other 28 teams (remember them?), it would be the greatest day of the season.

Of course, that wouldn't really work, because the two teams finish up a series on May 23, so ESPN would undoubtedly spend May 24 wrapping up that series and previewing the rest of the season for both teams. Also, I could just stop reading ESPN.com. Look, I just like complaining.

I don't know anything, okay? I know nothing at all. I thought the Phils would be good, maybe even great, this year - I was wrong. I tried to get arrogant, saying they would make the World Series this year - now I look like an idiot. I tried to show some uncharacteristic "swagger", calling all the other teams insulting names, but now I just look like a childish jackass. I'm sorry I did that, it was silly and ridiculous. Every team is better than the Phillies, do you understand? EVERY TEAM. They're 3-9. They blow. I cannot believe this is happening AGAIN. I'm stuck in this horrifying loop. My life has actually lapped itself.

Also, it's cold. Maybe when the weather heats up, the Phils will also "heat up", so to speak. (Eh? Word play!)

My new favorite band is Love of Diagrams. Mosaic is stellar, and I am counting the hours until their future, currently-theoretical return to Philly. I will post here when I hear they are playing here again and you, dear reader(s), will come to the show with me. Don't argue, just trust me.

Despite being not at all religious, I am keeping Passover this week. I would beat a man with my bare hands for a slice of pizza or a bowl of cereal right now. Also, I hate the Mets.

So far, the Phillies...

are 0-1 in games I am at
are 0-1 in games I miss because I'm at the TLA watching a Norwegian balladeer
are 0-1 in games I miss because I'm at work for half of it and at the gym for the other half
are 1-0 in games I miss because I'm seeing a magical Disney masterpiece at the Film Festival

These records don't bode well for the team's chances this season.

Still, I'm not worried. The third game exemplified the way these guys can't catch a break: the thing that killed them in the first two games, the bullpen, was actually pretty good. When, I worried, will these idiots put one decent 9-inning stretch together.

Last night, it turns out! Also, you know who's incredibly great? It's only four games, I know, but the answer is Pat Burrell. 6 for 15, 2 doubles, 1 HR. The knock against The Bat last year was that he couldn't hit with runners in scoring position. Well sir, he's 3 for 4 with RISP this year, including a 3 run HR last night. Yes, 3 for 4 is the very definition of small sample size, but if you wanted one of our most crucial players to get off to a fast start, your wish is granted.

We know how streaky Pat can be, so I expect he'll cool off at some point, but I see no reason why he can't have a great year overall. If he keeps this up for the rest of the road trip (good lord, I'd love to see him hit like .980 with 10 HR in Shea), and then comes home and gets booed by the booing morons at the Bank, I will probably officially disown my fellow Phans. Seriously, for a fanbase that prides itself on being knowledgeable, people here can be alarmingly stupid. People: Pat's healthy, he's motivated, he's doing everything he can. Ignore the occasional strikeout and enjoy a great slugger in his prime. Let go of your hate!

(Yes, it's only four games. I foresee Pat doing at least one wildly stupid thing that drives me insane before the end of the month. I'm fickle like that.)

Okay, so if the hitting heats up, the bullpen gets its act together (Ryan Madson, man, what's your story?), and Adam Eaton sees fit to stop sucking... I think we'll be fine.

Before we get to today's post, I'd just like to quickly mention that I hate the Mets. Apropos of nothing, I suppose, but it bears noting.

Anyway, this week's lesson: with heightened expectations comes heightened paranoia. Case in point: the Phils drop one game, against a great pitcher and an evidently great bullpen, and suddenly they're horrible and the season's over. And when I say "one game" I mean the first game of the season. Look, I'm as panicky as the next baseball fan with too much time on his hands, but really, people need to calm down.

Here are five teams from the last ten years that lost their season opener:

2004 Red Sox
2003 Marlins
2002 Angels
1999 Yankees
1998 Yankees

Notice anything? Okay, okay, it's a dumb comparison. But my point is, you can't judge a damn thing from the season opener, so let's all just try relaxing for the time being.

Having said all that, here's my hastily written Phillies preview.

Players who are going to be just fine: Utley, Myers, Garcia, Moyer.

Not quite as good as last year, but still the greatest human being alive: Howard.

Breakout year: Victorino.

A year or two away from his breakout year: Hamels. (2009 National League, prepare to be owned.)

Unbelievably monster year: Rollins. (I'm feeling it. This is the year of J-Roll.)

Players who worry me, but I'm cautiously optimistic: Burrell, Gordon.

Players who really, really worry me, and I'm not sure what to expect at all: Rowand, Eaton, Madson.

Better than last year: Nunez.

Great year nobody expects: Geary. (Relievers are such a crapshoot - one guy in the 'pen always has an inexplicably great year, so it might as well be Geary, I say.)

Bad year everybody expects: Alfonseca. (He would save me a lot of time right now by changing his name to "Arthur Rhodes '07".)

Lovable bench guys you want to see more of: Dobbs, Ruiz, Bourn, Coste.

Really belongs back in the rotation: Lieber.

Quietly good: Smith.

Probably will play exactly like Wes Helms: Helms.

No idea: Barajas, Werth.

Won't last the season (perhaps unfortunately): Segovia, Bisenius.

Probably will last the season (perhaps fortunately): Manuel.

Happy Phillies fan: Me.

Play ball!

Lots of season previews going on over at ESPN.com and across the People's Republic of Blogland. Most are kind to the Phillies, which is exciting, albeit meaningless. Predictions are ultimately silly, and bound to be wildly inaccurate - absolutely nobody could have predicted a year ago that Curtis Granderson would slip on some wet grass, giving the Cardinals the World Series and David Eckstein the MVP and a free car. All kinds of wacky things are bound to happen this season, and at least one team will appear literally out of nowhere to surprise us all, either by inexplicably winning it all or finishing with 110 losses. I know I'm excited.

So here's my contribution to the predicting game. As you will see below, I am going for it: I am predicting that your 2007 Phillies will win the NL East. Yes indeed! I'm laying it out there! I've been sitting on that prediction since January, and the panicking that's been going on in the Inquirer lately won't make me change my mind. I like this team a lot and I think they will eventually find plugs for their various holes. So here's my prediction for the final standings; note that I have attempted to give each team a ridiculous nickname. Some make no sense whatsoever, some are bound to eventually change. It's a long season.

NATIONAL LEAGUE (or as Bill Simmons calls it, "Quadruple A"! Ha ha ha! Get it??? He's making reference to the league's general mediocrity and inferiority to the AL! What a comic genius! No wonder he wrote for Jimmy Kimmel and hangs out with Adam Carolla! No way in a million years I could do his job as well as him, not with him coming up with gems like that! Ha ha ha! Quadruple A! [shakes head in wonder])

NL EAST
Fightins (phi)
Scumbags (nym)
Pure Evil (atl)
Teal-Wearing Fish-Themed Assholes (fla)
Expos (was)

NL CENTRAL
The Brew (mil)
Fraudulent “Champions” (stl)
Dirty Commies (cin)
Crybaby Curse-Believing Losers (chc)
Losers of 1980 NLCS (hou)
Primanti Bros. (pit)

NL WEST
L.A. Scumbags (lad)
Fish Tacos (sdp)
Motherfucking Snakes in the Motherfucking Desert! (ari)
The Rockies Are Still In The League? Seriously? (col)
Barry Bonds & Some Guys (sfg)

WILD CARD: Scumbags


AMERICAN LEAGUE ("Quintuple A"?)

AL EAST
Yankees, Now in Delicious “Boston” Flavor (bos)
Canadians (tor)
Yankees, Classic Original Flavor (nyy)
Satan Rays (tbd)
Some Nickname Related To The Wire (bal)

AL CENTRAL
Actual Best Team of 2006 and Probably 2007 (det)
For the life of me I cannot think of a nickname for the Twins (min)
Virulent Racists (cle)
South Side (cws)
Losers of 1980 World Series (kcr)

AL WEST
For The Last Damn Time, You Play In Anaheim (laa)
Moneyballers (oak)
The Team That President Bush Owned (tex)
Um . . . Seattle Mariners. (sea)

WILD CARD: Twins


Some notes: No, I'm not backing down, I am sticking to my Phillies prediction. Also, I am probably a complete moron for predicting Milwaukee to win the Central, but that division looks so awful to me that I can't see how it's not at least possible. If there's a way, somehow, for nobody to win that division at all, I think they'll figure it out. Meanwhile in the "Wah, wah, we don't want our pitchers to hit, we're a bunch of crying toddlers, wah!" league, I really, really like the Tigers, they look spectacular. I am predicting the Yankees to miss the playoffs solely to mix things up; for all I know they could win the whole thing. Their rotation looks terrible to me, but I'm sure they'll bilk some poor unsuspecting loser team out of their ace at the trade deadline.

POSTSEASON:
NL:
Phils over the Brew in an emotional series for both teams and fanbases.
Scumbags over L.A. Scumbags in, hopefully, a better series than last year.
Phils over Scumbags in the greatest playoff series ever played.

AL:
Tigers over Angels; ESPN completely forgets to cover this series, having shown up at Yankee Stadium by accident.
Sawx over Twins; Bill Simmons foams at the mouth and acts like an insufferable prick.
Tigers over Sawx; Bill Simmons cries like a loser and I laugh at him.

WS:
Tigers over Phils - I have to throw in a little Philadelphian negativity at some point. But don't worry... the Phils will be even better in '08.

More Phillies preview stuff tomorrow.