Much is afoot. Wedding planning continues unabated. The trucks to Clearwater are being gassed up and loaded. According to Wikipedia, today is Kristen Schaal's 31st birthday (but look, I'm an engaged man now, and as the President said the other day, the time has come to put away childish things). The Eagles totally forgot to bring their defensive players to Arizona (worst game ever, I can't even think about it without getting angry and confused and scared).

But enough about those things, let's talk about something truly important: the name of our new soccer team! I'm disappointed but not at all surprised that they're apparently going for some kind of Euro-ripoff name. I don't know why they feel the need to do such a thing: it's just going to turn away or at the very least bore casual fans, and this is a city that already has a rich sports culture, so why do we need to just co-opt ideas from far off places? I'm not saying we need to resurrect "Atoms" or "Fury" or anything like that. I love the name "Atoms", I've always been fascinated by the Atoms, and I plan on wearing my Atoms t-shirt to the stadium at least once. To be honest, because I've read a lot about them and they represent, to me, an important and interesting slice of Philly sports history, and because I am a melodramatic nerd, it would actually mean a lot to me to be able to go to a soccer game and root for a team called the Philadelphia Atoms. But I'm not going to write that in as my vote, because I like the idea of keeping the name retired and starting fresh with something new (and also for strategic voting reasons, but more on that in a bit).

Let's take a look at the options.

SC: Boring, but tolerable. To their credit, I like the fact that they've basically gone for "Soccer Club" instead of "Football Club", because there are already two teams in the league (Dallas and Toronto) named "FC" (which by the way is totally uncreative nonsense, I mean come on Dallas and Toronto, get it together), and also because this is Philly, where we already have a game called football that we really like and will never be less popular than soccer. Sorry, Europosers, we call it "soccer" here; if you don't like it, move to Portsmouth or something.

AC: Also boring, but I have to admit that it's growing on me. It's soccer-ish and a nice, subtle reference to the Philadelphia Athletics (if indeed they intend it to mean "Athletic Club" and not some dumb European thing, and by the way I apologize if I sound really xenophobic, I don't hate Europe or anything, Europe's cool, I'm just really annoyed it's not going to be Atoms and I'm taking it out on a whole continent).

City: This is just dumb.

Union: Appalling. Awful. I hate this name so freaking much. Also: it's almost exactly the same as "United", and there's already a team called "DC United", who will presumably be one of our biggest regional rivals. So why would I give my team the same name as... ugh! Oh god, so stupid.

Write-in Options: Besides "Atoms" I have no ideas that I think will win. Over on the Sons of Ben message board, a couple of fans are pushing for something like "Philadelphia 2010" with the idea that the nickname would be "Zolos", a made up word that looks sort of like "2010". (This, in case you're wondering, is one of the reasons why I have yet to post on this message board, despite my total excitement about the new team and the fact that these guys would, one presumes, be my new soccer buddies. I'm just afraid of going on there and saying "Um, guys, has it not occured to you that 'Zolos' is totally cheesy and lame?" and getting flamed. I guess I could try to play nice, but really, "Zolos"? Am I being that unreasonable?)

Anyway, I'm leaning toward just voting for "AC" because it has a better chance of winning than "Atoms" and to lessen the chance that "Union" or "2010" will win. Look, no matter what happens, I'm going to be a huge fan, and alienate my future wife and our future family by wasting even more of my time watching absurd amounts of sports, and I'll buy the team's jersey no matter what's on it, because this is the kind of blind loyalty that I subscribe to for reasons I can't explain. I'm really looking forward to it.

But really, if you haven't voted yet and/or don't care, and you feel like helping me out, please vote for anything but "Union", that's all I ask.

Sort of about K. Schaal but not really

June’s been really busy so I’m quite late with this. In “blog time”, 3+ weeks is like 400 years, so either you’ve already seen this or it’s so old you don’t care, but here’s Kristen Schaal on the Daily Show back on June 5. Nearly a month later I’m still fascinated by this piece because (a) Kristen takes off her clothes on national television (though it’s not quite as thrilling as all that, because she’s wearing this outfit underneath with fake bare shoulders, so it’s not even like… oh, never mind, I’ll just keep it to myself), and (b) it’s about the question of sexism in the media’s coverage of Sen. Clinton’s campaign, particularly the ridiculous comments from various horrible conservative jackasses. (In the interests of full disclosure I’ll just mention that I voted for Obama, but I do have respect for Clinton and wouldn’t have minded so much if she had won. Truth be told, I’m sort of annoyed about the whole thing because their platforms were really so incredibly similar that the whole thing in the end just literally became a popularity contest, which isn’t right, but I’m not here to discuss that so never mind.)

Anyway, more than one of the horrible conservative jackasses in this segment (in which, I feel compelled to mention again, Kristen Schaal takes off her clothes) says (I’m paraphrasing) “When Hilary Clinton talks, I’m reminded of my wife nagging me to take out the garbage!”

I’m fascinated by this for a number of reasons. First of all, what are you, Henny Youngman? Second of all, how and why did “taking out the garbage” become the generic chore that men hate doing? Why is that the standard “nagging wife” example?

I live alone, but even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have to be nagged or even gently reminded to take out the garbage. I look forward to garbage day, because it means I get to remove garbage from my house. Why would I have to be nagged about that? “What do you mean, you want me to remove rotting food and unhealthy filth from my living space? Geez, get off my back!” Who are these idiot pundits and what is their problem? Take out the damn garbage, you loathsome pigs.

I’m not married, but if I was I’d like to believe I would say things like this: “Darling wife, unlike right wing maniacs who hate women, I married you because I love you and I like having you around, and I consider our marriage to be an equal partnership in which I treat you with the respect you deserve, and during the occasional moments when I forget to do my equal share I will respond with grace and dignity, instead of treating you like an insufferable shrew who’s wasting my time. Also, thank you for reminding me to take out the garbage, but I actually already did that a few hours ago, because I don’t want fucking garbage in my house.”

All right, I think I got that off my chest. Let’s not think about these disreputable news sources and the awful human beings who fill their air time. Instead, let’s just remember the real lesson we can take away from this: Kristen Schaal is pretty and has nice legs and should be on TV every night, ideally for three or four hours at a time.

(By the way, I’ll just mention that I am not nearly as creepy as I sound, because I have a girlfriend named Sharon, who I love more than I love Kristen Schaal. Last August I would not have thought that was possible, but it turns out it is! Who knew?)

4/8: Phils 5, Mets 2

What happened: What happened? Lots of great things, that's what! Here's a few: (1) The Phils won. (b) The Mets lost. (4) Good game from Jamie Moyer, and a very good game from the bullpen. (5a) They won without hitting any home runs, and I have this thing where I like when they do that, because it's good to know, once in a while, that they're not a one-trick pony. Come on guys, manufacture some runs! Run a little small ball! (On the other hand, if they're just gonna mash four home runs every day like they did on Monday, that's fine too. I'm not even sure what my argument is.) (vi) They get to 4-4, and they get the season series with the Mets off to a good start. I mean, it's just one game, on April 8, I'm not going to get that excited about it... there's still 17 more against these guys, plenty of time for them to figure out how to beat us, assuming they can. Heh heh. (F) Endy Chavez hit into a double play. Heh heh. (7.2.1) Today was my second day biking to work, and I feel great. Maybe it's some kind of placebo effect but I already feel healthier and thinner. I think I'll celebrate tonight with a burger and some beer. (₤) Flight of the Conchords are playing the Tower Theatre on May 5! No word yet on an opening act but... oh, can you imagine??? [swoon]*

Next: That the best you got, Mets? Bring it on!

*Sharon, feel free to just punch me in the head.

New piece up on Hot Sauce today. Check it out!

From the Exciting Only To Me Department: I went 15-1 in my football picks this week. That's probably my best week ever. Andrew also got 15 and Daniel got 14, so I guess maybe it was just an easy week. But I'm pretty pleased with myself. I hope the Patriots only go 15-1. And by that I mean I hope they go 13-3. And by that I mean I hope I fall into an alternate universe where the Eagles beat them, and they go 12-4. I could live with that.

It doesn't beat 2001, when I won my office March Madness pool. I got 14 of the Sweet Sixteen right, 6 of the Elite Eight, all of the Final Four, both of the Final Two... and then got the winner wrong! But by then I had obliterated everyone else and won the whole thing anyway. It was probably my all-time greatest accomplishment.

KSLOTW: So, I found out too late that Kristen was on "How I Met Your Mother" this week, but I watched it at cbs.com and you should do the same. Meanwhile, this this and this constitute Kristen's recent appearance on a British comedy game show. It's probably the most British thing I've ever seen - you apparently need to be really, really British to have any idea what's going on - but she's crazy hot in this so it's worth it. The long-haired freak next to her is from The Mighty Boosh. Hey you, get your damn hands off her!

Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said: The Return!

All right. Who's ready for some classic, old school Phillies Diary sports ranting? I've got one all bottled up in me and it's all ready to go, so let's go.

This is in response to a Bill Simmons column from last Friday. It's not very timely, but cut me a break, I moved into a new house this weekend. What do you want? You're lucky I even got out of bed this week.

Before I do that, allow me to quickly mention a Simmons column from before that (about two weeks ago). I won't get into it. Long story short: Simmons, whose favorite baseball team just won the World Series, and whose favorite basketball team was at that point undefeated, saw fit to write a 50,000 word column complaining about the officiating in a game that his favorite football team won - on the road, no less, against their most bitter rival, to go 9-0. It was most assuredly the most arrogant, classless, hate-filled, unreadable pile of whining nonsense I've ever seen, and it made me seriously wonder why I spend my days copyediting medical texts that I don't understand when evidently it's much, much easier to be a professional writer than I had always thought. It was just horrible. I mean, seriously, jackass, the Pats won the game. They're the best team ever, okay? What do you want from me? There's no NFL conspiracy to make them lose, you paranoid maniac. OH GOD! I can't even think about it anymore so let's just move on.

So, a week later Simmons writes this, which at first glance is just more dull, lazy Patriots ass-kissing, but looking over it again I noticed this:

By the way, I'm furious about all these Colts injuries that probably killed their season. The football fan in me is furious because this particular Colts team was built for cold weather/January football, which would have made the AFC Championship Game a helluva lot more interesting than the Steelers getting blown out in Foxborough (which is where we're headed). The Patriots fan in me is furious because a 19-0 season wouldn't feel quite the same if they didn't beat the Colts twice.

You know what it's like, actually? When the '86 Celtics were slapping together the greatest NBA season ever, they avenged the '85 Finals in two regular-season wins over the Lakers, rolled through the East in the playoffs and were poised to destroy Showtime as we knew it. So what happened? The Lakers never showed up! They got smoked in the West finals by an underrated Houston team. To this day, every Celtics fan feels cheated by the fact we didn't get the Lakers.

Okay. I just went and took a few deep breaths, looked over my tape of the Phils' division title-clinching game, and I feel a little calmer. So let's attempt to parse this lunacy, shall we?

If this is indicative of all Boston fans, then they are the most spoiled rotten collection of assholes in the universe. Simmons makes two wildly ridiculous claims here, which, as a lover of truth and non-stupidity, I refuse to let pass without comment.

Ridiculous Claim #1: He seems to be suggesting that a 19-0 Pats season wouldn't mean as much if they don't beat the Colts again in the playoffs. Simmons, you are on drugs. Nobody has ever gone 19-0 before! It's completely unprecedented! That wouldn't impress you? You wouldn't spend the rest of your life marveling that your favorite team had such an unbelievable, unforgettable, epic, historic season? You really hate the Colts that much? This guy is so hatefully jealous of Peyton Manning, it's just sickening. Look, man, Peyton is rich, talented, popular, and the starting quarterback of an NFL team, and you're not. It's just something you're going to have to deal with. Stop fantasizing about Tom Brady beating and humiliating him and just try to enjoy your team's success for once.

Ridiculous Claim #2: For many years now Simmons has been pimping the '86 Celtics as the best team ever. That's fine, because he's a Celtics fan (lord knows I consider the '80 Phillies to be the greatest sports team ever assembled), and he knows more about basketball than I do so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But now, suddenly, he says it wasn't quite as good because they beat the Rockets in the Finals, not the Lakers. Dear lord, that's obnoxious. I would like to poll all Celtics fans and ask them if they give a rat's ass who the opponent was that year, because I really believe that Simmons is alone on this one. Again: spoiled rotten. "Cheated"? "Cheated"? What goddamn right do you have to even think that? Where do you get off? I guess I'm annoyed about this because I'm a Philly fan, and we treasure all moments of even mild success, for fear that they may never come again. Like, if one of my teams won a title, I wouldn't complain in the slightest about who they beat to win it. The Phillies could beat the Red Sox in seven, they could beat the Devil Rays in an incredibly boring sweep. They could beat an American Legion team that was in the MLB playoffs due to a computer error. I honestly wouldn't care.

All of this makes me think that if the Patriots lose this season, it should be declared a national holiday and we should get off work the next day, and take to the streets and get wasted and celebrate the ruining of their perfect season, because the very last thing we need is another thing for scumbag Boston fans to be happy and arrogant about. I literally cannot wait until that team loses. I'd get a tape of that game and hold onto it forever and watch it whenever life is getting me down. How glorious, how beautiful an image that is!

It also makes me think that maybe I should just stop reading the guy.

KSLOTW: Kristen's MySpace features a bunch of videos including the "Penelope" series, the infamous "Horse" song, and "Angry Erotic Sheep". Hours and hours of grainy, choppy cuteness.

Nothing at all to do with Kristen Schaal, I promise*

I've just had a piece published on a new sports humor blog, Philly Sports & Hot Sauce. Check it out! I will hopefully be writing two things a week for them, if all goes according to plan, and I don't get too distracted by that building I now own. And don't worry, Jeremy's Phillies Diary will remain up and running, providing the in-depth analysis, insightful commentary, and biting wit you've naturally come to expect, and indeed deserve. This is just for fun. Spread the word!

Special thanks to Zoe for hooking me up with the guy who runs it. Rock on, Zoe.

*But if anyone wants to chat about her sometime, email me. Any time. Day or night.

Not really an update at all, really

I've been distracted lately by house buying, other writing projects, my unrelenting hatred of Boston teams, and assorted personal stuff. When everything settles down I'll be back. Until then I order you to enjoy this interview with Miss Tree herself. Marvel at the heretofore unmatched combination of cuteness and brilliance. While you're doing that, I have to go give some guy seven thousand dollars tomorrow.

Schedule Day!!!

Yesterday's Eagles game made me want to commit crimes. Terrible, terrible crimes. I have no further comment and would frankly like to forget it forever. "What loss to the Bears when we were up by four with less than two minutes to go and they were on their own 3?" my future self will say. "That sounds appalling!" It was, future self. It was. How I envy your faulty memory.

So let's turn our attention to better things. Like how the Flyers are 6-1 and look fantastic. Or the hotness of incredibly hot girls. Or best of all, the 2008 Phillies! Whenever the new schedule comes out the first thing I look for is potential road trips, so here are some possibilities:

Cincy, the first weekend in April.
Yet another Pittsburgh trip, end of April.
TEXAS! End of June. (Definitely think I might hop on a plane for this one. When will they go to Texas again? 2014 or something probably.)
Final trip to Shea Stadium, beginning of September.
And of course, various weekend series in places like St. Louis, Chicago, and Houston. I always want to go, and I never do, because it's expensive and time-consuming. Having said that, road trips are great. I wish I could follow the team around like they're a band, that would be the life.

Meanwhile, the Blue Jays, Angels, and Red Sox visit us this year. Very excited to see the Angels, my adopted AL team. But I dread the impending infestation by Boston vermin. I urge all Phillies fans to get tickets to those games ASAP to ward off the invasion! Keep them out! RED SOX GO HOME!!!

Double Feature! (Or, two short things I feel like writing at 1:30 AM while I listen to In Rainbows and simultaneously watch the end of Rockies/D-Backs Game 2, which is still on as I write this, because the start times in these playoffs have been wildly ridiculous and disgraceful and unfair and clearly intended to favor the Yankees and Red Sox, god how I hate them both, but anyway.)

1. Charlie '08
I think that many sports fans secretly long for something terrible to happen to their team, because it gives them something to complain about for the rest of their lives - a badge of honor they can wear as a sign that they truly love their team, even in the bad times. That's why, for example, Red Sox fans to this day complain about one bad move that Grady Little made in the 2003 ALCS, even though their team is a perennial contender, and most baseball observers agree that a manager doesn't have nearly as much of an effect on a team as people think, and anyway they went on to win the World Series a year later, and might very well win it this year, so they all need to calm down. Similarly, people here were very quick to jump all over Charlie Manuel for pulling Kendrick in Game 2, because, in my opinion, everyone subconsciously recognized it as the kind of thing that would enter Phillies lore, like we’d be talking about it decades from now like how we talk about Chico Ruiz or the 1977 NLCS or Joe Carter to this day. But really, was it even that bad? Kendrick, as I remember it (and I was there), was allowing way too many baserunners, and I think he was going to get burned eventually anyway. I don’t think Lohse was such a terrible idea. The problem was, the Rockies were, and are, probably the hottest, most momentum-y team I have literally ever seen, and everything they do works out and every player is simultaneously peaking like crazy, so of course light-hitting Kaz Matsui hits a grand slam there with two outs. It sucks and I’m not happy about it, but it just wasn’t the Phils’ week. The Rockies were just better. Charlie’s not the reason why they lost the series – the Phils lost Games 1 and 3 as well, two completely winnable games wherein the pitching was pretty good, but the Phils could only score three runs over the entire two games - all three of them solo homers. That’s pretty bad, but there it is. So don’t blame Charlie for the sweep, blame Aaron Rowand for grounding out weakly to second, which he did like 45 times.

Anyway, this is all my roundabout way of saying I approve of two more years of Charlie. He’s good for these players. Give him a better pitching staff and this team will go places in ’08. I’d stake my reputation as a professional, widely-renowned bloggist on it!

2. And now, another episode of “Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said”
An insufferable, endlessly long, self-congratulatory article from Bill Simmons today, about how the Red Sox and Patriots are currently favorites to win championships, and the Celtics are suddenly really good and might win 60 games this year. Actually, in fairness, there’s some interesting points in the article, and it’s reasonably well-written, but still. I find the Red Sox and Patriots totally irritating and I am no fan of either, but ultimately I can put up with them winning titles – I’m not happy about it, but they’re undeniably great teams. But really, the last thing I need is for the Celtics to become a powerhouse. Good lord, that would be horrible. Call it sour grapes if you must. But really, think about it: the Eagles are 1-3, the Sixers are wretched, the Flyers are potentially good but have already had two players suspended this year for unbelievably brutal, violent goonery, and the Phils scratched and clawed their way to their first playoff spot in 14 years only to forget how to play baseball once they got there. Meanwhile, this guy’s three favorite teams might all win titles in the next year. What in the world did I do that was so horrible that I deserve such a fate? When is our time? Did Boston make some kind of deal with Satan? And can we get in on that deal?

(Somewhat related thing, but not really, but I feel like mentioning it: You could just walk up to the stadium and buy a ticket for Game 1 of the NLCS in Arizona. That’s just totally horrible. I mean, come on, Phoenix, you have that giant stadium for exactly these games. How can you not sell out? It’s the NLCS!!! The NLCS isn’t good enough for you? How can you be that jaded? [bored voice] “Oh, the NLCS? Wake me when they make the World Series.” For crying out loud. There were people camping out overnight to get standing room only tickets for the last Phillies game. And the playoff games sold out instantly too. I can’t even imagine what people would do for NLCS tickets in Philly. I think I’d dive through plate glass for that. You disappoint me, Arizona.)

Bonus thing: More Kristen Schaal links!!!
I’m very tired and delirious and I’m not entirely responsible for my actions right now, and you know what that means: more obsessing over a celebrity I’ll never meet! I feel like the montage earlier this week didn’t do Kristen enough justice, so here’s a great Mel moment (featuring my favorite line: “Oh, I thought you said they did!”) and here’s another and here's another. OMG CUTENESS! Why doesn’t she have, like, her own show on Comedy Central, and comedy albums and live DVDs? What kind of culture do we have here, where there isn’t a constant Kristen Schaal presence in every possible form of media at all times? Am I being unreasonable?

Meanwhile, here’s an interview from HBO, in which she’s so unbelievably cute you have to avert your eyes like at the end of Raiders, or her cuteness will destroy you like it destroyed me. You’ve been warned. Plus, in addition to the nonstop mesmerizing loveliness, she also comes off as kind of deranged. It’s great.

Oh, I’ve found plenty more, and I won’t stop posting them until I’m done. You literally can’t stop me. Stay tuned!

[UPDATE, 2:23 AM: Rockies/D-Backs now in the 11th inning, and the stadium in Arizona is pretty much sold out with very few empty seats. So I take back what I said. I’m kind of a jerk.]

[UPDATE, 2:45 AM: The Rockies won again. They lead ARI 2-games-nil. I’m starting to feel kind of stupid that I ever thought we could beat them. Man, that is a scary, scary team.]

You win, universe

Yeah, so, the Phils hit like .008 against the Rockies and, oh, this just in: Jose Mesa is old and terrible. Nice work. What a tease. Still, they won the division, just like I've always wanted them to, and the Mets didn't. I'll always remember the final weeks of the season and how great the guys played. And then I'll pretend that that was it, that the entire point of baseball is to win the NL East, and that anything after that are just meaningless exhibition contests. I think I can keep up that ridiculous lie for the rest of my life, sure.

And now, How I Will Spend My Phillies-Free October (TM):

1. Hangin' with Sharon
2. Darjeeling Limited!!!
3. New Radiohead tomorrow!!!
4. More house buying business to take care of
5. More editing, writing, etc. Can't think about that right now, it's killing me.
6. The Wire Season 2 w/ Matt
7. Spoon, 10/19
8. Eagles? Flyers? Probably. Can't think about sports right now.
9. Really should be reading more books
10. I'm sure I'll think of a 10th thing eventually.

Kristen Schaal link of the week: This is a montage of all the best Mel moments, highlighting Kristen's unstoppable cuteness and greatness. Sadly, you can't actually hear any of the dialogue, so if you don't like the Divinyls you can turn down the sound and listen to whatever you want (I had on Octopus by Gentle Giant). Did I mention cuteness? [swoon]

The hangover!

I don't have a hangover actually. I pounded two lagers right after the game, because I needed a beer that badly, but that was it. I didn't even drink during the Eagles, though I probably should have.

[Headline in the Eagles Extra this morning: "Eagles play like the Mets". I've never laughed out loud at a headline before. Tip of the cap to the Inquirer, that was clutch.]

This photograph has replaced the picture of Kristen Schaal that I used to have as my desktop wallpaper. That's a big deal, because man oh man do I love Kristen Schaal.

But enough of that. Andrew asked me when I knew they were going to win. I can't really even remember. Maybe it was Jimmy's triple, Ryan's homerun, or the double play induced by Flash. Maybe it was Brett's final pitch. All great moments.

But I think it was before that, when the Marlins took a 7-0 lead in the first. I mean... Tom Glavine, Hall of Famer Tom Glavine, in the final game of the season, maybe the final game of his career, in an absolute must-win game, at home, in front of thousands of incredibly pissed-off fans, against a last place team... Tom Glavine pitching that badly, that suddenly. That was amazing. I think I knew then. I think I knew that the Mets were cooked, that they'd never bounce back from that. I think I knew the Phils knew had bad they were on Saturday, and they knew they couldn't do it again. They've spent the past month taking care of their business, you know? They knew. So I think I knew all along. And I didn't even know it!

It hasn't really even sunk in yet. All day ESPN dissected the Mets' collapse, giving that more ink than the Phils. (Either ESPN is New York-centric, or they're more interested in failure than success, or some unpleasant combination of both maybe.) So only now have I started to realize how amazin' that is, the Mets completely flaming out like that. How historic it is. How it absolutely needed to happen. If it hadn't, the Phils could have won all they wanted, it wouldn't have helped. What a season!

So maybe I knew, really knew the Phils would do it a month ago, when they swept the Mets in four at home. And then swept them again in Queens. They needed to do it, so they did it. Just like that. The Phils never used to do stuff like that. They used to be the ones collapsing and dying, making mistakes and excuses, staring off into space, while their rivals wouldn't stop winning. The Marlins taking our wild card in 2003, the Astros doing the same in 2005, the Dodgers in 2006. That's what used to happen.

But forget the Mets. They're old news. Their failure is their problem now, not mine. We've got some more games to win - eleven of them.

Tonight's the Rocks/Friars tiebreaker, a "tasty" "appetizer" before the "main dish" of "delicious" playoff baseball, which will be... a... a baseball-flavored... food... bed of lettuce... never mind.