I wish I could give you some exciting and melodramatic story behind my lengthy absence, but let’s just skip all that. Instead, I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to.

Got married in Manayunk. Watched a lot of baseball. The wife and I shopped around for a house, found one, bought it. Tried Twitter for a bit, lost interest. Went on honeymoon to the Mediterranean: Ate an astounding amount of food, wandered around a bit of Croatia, swam in the Ionian sea and stared at the coast of Albania, saw the Parthenon, saw the site of the original Olympics, ate some more, and spent some time in the Rome airport, which, without any sort of exaggeration whatsoever – I’m serious, I am not trying to be funny or glib or anything, I am being absolutely and entirely 100% serious and honest when I say this – is the single worst place I have ever been. Came home, moved into the house, spent a few weeks surrounded by my scattered and unorganized possessions and the dog got fleas. Phils got scary bad for a while, then scary good. The Eagles signed Mike Vick, lots of people screamed and complained, I just sighed and accepted the fact that my favorite team continues to feel the need to grab attention for all the wrong reasons. Slowly unpacked the house. The Phils played in the freezing cold, the Rockies almost rallied, the Phils said no. Unpacked some more. Discovered Saad’s. Jimmy Rollins went Matt Stairs all over Jonathan Broxton. The Eagles muddled around for a bit. Wrote a lot for the Naïve’s Guide. Phils win National League: West Philly much quieter about such things than South Philly. Writing a new novel; probably the best thing I’ve ever done. People seem to like it. Old novel: haven’t sent out any queries in a while, gotta get back on that. Phils tease us with Game 1 win, then not so much. Johnny Damon will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Ate at Saad’s some more. The dog got better. Eagles get better, much better actually. Flyers were very good, then very bad, now they’re sort of neutral; no idea what to make of them, as usual. Sixers were instantly bad, far worse than I ever could have predicted. Union acquired some players, and continue to do so: looking good. Wrote some more for the Naïve’s Guide, and appeared on the radio! Phils acquire Roy Halladay and trade Cliff Lee; much to my surprise, I actually sort of understand what they’re trying to do and I’m okay with it. My lovely wife gets me a Union jersey; merely owning it makes me feel like a better man. Eagles play, in the span of seven days, the two worst football games I have ever witnessed. Sixers are still terrible. House mostly unpacked. Union get some more players and I pick my seats (section 113). Watched a lot of “Lost” on DVD, but not nearly enough. Found a copy of “A Farewell to Kings” at aka for $2.99. Did I forget anything?

Oh yeah, I did. I’m going to be a father. Not long from now, actually – in about two months. Me, a dad! That’s really much too big of a thing to cover here, so I’ll get to it later.

[I’m sorry about this oddly written entry, which now that I look at it reads quite unfortunately like that grotesque “European road trip” monologue in that terrible college movie I watched on cable with Matt one time. What was that movie called? Never mind, I really don’t want to remember. Anyway, it was really the only way to sum up the past seven months of my life, though admittedly, they were even better than they sound. It’s been a nice time. Did I mention I’ll have a son in two months?]

ANNOUNCEMENT

There comes a time in every young man's life when he has to come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never be Kristen Schaal's boyfriend.

In that spirit, the other day I asked Sharon to marry me and she said yes.

Seriously, though, I'm quite ecstatic about this. I mean, look at me - the Phils won the World Series, and this is the thing that happened to me in 2008 that I'm most excited about! I'll take the World Series of course (because, seriously, how great was that?), but I've done a lot of thinking lately and have realized that there's more to life than the fortunes of 25 rich young men I've never met. Especially when you've got someone as great as Sharon. I'm an impossibly lucky man. I hope I never stop appreciating that.

I've been neglecting this blog too much, and though I'll be extremely busy in 2009 I don't plan on giving up on it. The boys have a title to defend, and I'll be there for every moment of it, wedding or not. But after winning the Series, and with my life now changing for the better, baseball is going to be different for me from now on - not better, not worse, just something else, and I don't know what yet. We'll figure it out together.

I'll have at least one more post in 2008 but let me send out my fondest wishes to everyone for an excellent holiday season and a fantastic, peaceful new year. Make it a great one, I know I will.

(Oh yeah, and I won my fantasy football league for the second year in a row, that was awesome too.)

I suppose we're nearing the point where I'll have to write some long farewell post listing all of my McNabb memories. It's very sad. However, I'm going away for a few days, and it looks like McNabb will get at least one more start, so we'll see how it all looks next week.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

ANNOUNCEMENT

If you're looking for something to do before Game 5, I have just the thing. My writer's group Steak Fiction will be holding a reading of original short stories on Monday, October 27, at Fergie's (1214 Sansom Street), from 6:30 to 8:30. (I won't be offended if you leave early for the game, but I can't speak for the rest of the group.) I'm reading first, and go on promptly at 6:30, so come on by and say hello.

Thanks!

Ears. Killing me.

I'm too old to not wear earplugs at shows. I realized that about two years ago, and yet I continue to give myself chronic, incurable tinnitus every time. Seriously, stop (I'm talking to myself). At any rate, I just saw Shudder to Think and they were spectacular.

I want to write about Game 2 and maybe a little something about Game 3, but it's late and I'm going to bed. Long story short: I feel good about it. Oh yeah, I probably have some thoughts on the other three series, but again, it's late.

I wish I was in Milwaukee with the boys. Or, better yet, in LA seeing Cascade Array. Speaking of which, drop whatever you're doing, catch a red eye to LA, and go to the Knitting Factory on Saturday night. You have no excuse!

Off to SFO

Just checking in for one last GO PHILS! and to wish a great weekend to all my fellow Phils fans everywhere. This is good stuff, my friends! Take care of them for me.

Also, if you're going to be in Los Angeles, CA on October 4, then go see Cascade Array at the Knitting Factory. I'm going to keep reminding you until you do it.

LET'S GO PHILS!!!

(and Eagles!)

OLYMPIC PREVIEW!!!

Oh yeah - the freakin' OLYMPICS start this week!!! Ladies and gentlemen, I am in hog heaven!

I can't explain to you why I love the Olympics so much. I mean, I would never watch water polo or shot put at any other time, and yet once every four years, for two weeks, I literally can't get enough badminton or air rifle. I guess it's the pageantry, the sight of all those countries and flags, the nonstop media coverage, that wicked rad Olympic theme song. I can't get enough. I repeat: hog heaven!

This isn't a traditional, or indeed even particularly useful, Olympic preview. I haven't the slightest idea who will win the women's 200m butterfly. On the subject of who will take home bronze in men's field hockey, I am singularly clueless. I have a feeling the US will win the gold in men's basketball, and will probably not medal in men's soccer, but beyond that it's all just going to be a flurry of names and flags and running and jumping, and periodically a medal will be awarded and an anthem played, and come September I won't remember it much and will care only about the Phils anyway. But that isn't the issue.

This is an "Olympic Preview" only in the sense that very soon I am going to be in full-on Olympic mode, and I have started preparing for the challenge that's being set before me: that is, for the next 2+ weeks, I have to figure out a way to watch as much of the like 125 hours of coverage a day as I can (on FIVE channels!), while simultaneously having a job, giving equal time to my lovely ladyfriend, hanging with my other pals, hosting Andrew's bachelor party and attending the subsequent wedding (oh crap, I need to get my suit drycleaned, somebody remind me), following the Phils, monitoring the Daily Show for Kristen Schaal appearances, continuing my general, constantly vigilant homeownership, working on my book and other creative things... it never ends, really. Sacrifices will have to be made. For example, will I dare skip going to the gym so I can get home early enough to catch some middleweight boxing on CNBC before dinner? These are the questions that plague my days! Heavy is the head that wears the Olympic-watching crown! (I have no clue what that means.)

Ah, I'll figure it out. Swifter, higher, stronger, baby!

"Oh well, he's not the first oily man to take Mom to the mat!"
-Trace Beaulieu

Slices of my life since the overrated irrelevance known as the All-Star Break: I bought an iPod; went on vacation to Rehoboth Beach, DE; built shelves for my CDs; more bike-riding and subsequent sweating; oh yeah, and the Phils went through a ghastly five or six week stretch where they never once made contact with a baseball and were shut out about 45 times in a row. Or something like that. One day, I was so horrified by their crappy play that I talked myself into believing that they should sell all their players off at the trade deadline and start over. I kind of overreact to things sometimes.

As of this writing the boys are still in first place, by 0.5 games, and there's a lot of baseballery still to come. I told you back in March this would be fun! I need to shut up and listen to myself more often.

Anyway, I missed a few roster moves so here are Husker Du songs for the guys that have arrived (and occasionally left) in my absence:

Mike Cervenak: "Dreams Reoccuring"
J.A. Happ: "Afraid of Being Wrong"
Joe Blanton: "Bricklayer"
R.J. Swindle: "Real World"

Also, the second draft of my novel is almost done, and when I say "almost", I mean there's still some work I need to do on it, and I'd much rather be doing that right now, so I'm off to do that. Let's go Phils, am I right?

Sort of about K. Schaal but not really

June’s been really busy so I’m quite late with this. In “blog time”, 3+ weeks is like 400 years, so either you’ve already seen this or it’s so old you don’t care, but here’s Kristen Schaal on the Daily Show back on June 5. Nearly a month later I’m still fascinated by this piece because (a) Kristen takes off her clothes on national television (though it’s not quite as thrilling as all that, because she’s wearing this outfit underneath with fake bare shoulders, so it’s not even like… oh, never mind, I’ll just keep it to myself), and (b) it’s about the question of sexism in the media’s coverage of Sen. Clinton’s campaign, particularly the ridiculous comments from various horrible conservative jackasses. (In the interests of full disclosure I’ll just mention that I voted for Obama, but I do have respect for Clinton and wouldn’t have minded so much if she had won. Truth be told, I’m sort of annoyed about the whole thing because their platforms were really so incredibly similar that the whole thing in the end just literally became a popularity contest, which isn’t right, but I’m not here to discuss that so never mind.)

Anyway, more than one of the horrible conservative jackasses in this segment (in which, I feel compelled to mention again, Kristen Schaal takes off her clothes) says (I’m paraphrasing) “When Hilary Clinton talks, I’m reminded of my wife nagging me to take out the garbage!”

I’m fascinated by this for a number of reasons. First of all, what are you, Henny Youngman? Second of all, how and why did “taking out the garbage” become the generic chore that men hate doing? Why is that the standard “nagging wife” example?

I live alone, but even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have to be nagged or even gently reminded to take out the garbage. I look forward to garbage day, because it means I get to remove garbage from my house. Why would I have to be nagged about that? “What do you mean, you want me to remove rotting food and unhealthy filth from my living space? Geez, get off my back!” Who are these idiot pundits and what is their problem? Take out the damn garbage, you loathsome pigs.

I’m not married, but if I was I’d like to believe I would say things like this: “Darling wife, unlike right wing maniacs who hate women, I married you because I love you and I like having you around, and I consider our marriage to be an equal partnership in which I treat you with the respect you deserve, and during the occasional moments when I forget to do my equal share I will respond with grace and dignity, instead of treating you like an insufferable shrew who’s wasting my time. Also, thank you for reminding me to take out the garbage, but I actually already did that a few hours ago, because I don’t want fucking garbage in my house.”

All right, I think I got that off my chest. Let’s not think about these disreputable news sources and the awful human beings who fill their air time. Instead, let’s just remember the real lesson we can take away from this: Kristen Schaal is pretty and has nice legs and should be on TV every night, ideally for three or four hours at a time.

(By the way, I’ll just mention that I am not nearly as creepy as I sound, because I have a girlfriend named Sharon, who I love more than I love Kristen Schaal. Last August I would not have thought that was possible, but it turns out it is! Who knew?)

Serenity now!

Been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. No, nothing to do with anything real or useful. It's more about my sports-liking hobby and how I handle it mentally and emotionally. Fortunately for me, the Phils are good this year, and I've got confidence in them. It's a strange and unnatural feeling but I'm getting used to it. Tonight, I came home to find that the Phils had lost 3-0 to a team I can't stand. The World's Most Annoying Human Being (Non-Joba Chamberlain Division), Jonathan Papelbon, got the save. As recently as last year, that would have made me run into my kitchen and destroy plates. Now, I just remind myself that it's only June, the Phils are still in first place, and the Red Sox can't literally hurt me, and I feel much better.

Speaking of Boston, here's another example: in recent years past, the sight of the Boston Celtics winning the NBA championship one year removed from being arguably the league's worst team thanks to having improved themselves via an incredibly fishy trade in which they acquired one of the league's five best players from a team whose GM is a former Celtic would have made me vomit violently with rage and hatred. Now... well, I'm not even remotely happy about it, but I have to just accept it, don't I? I mean, what can I do?

Meanwhile, I've noticed (and I'm sure you have as well) that I tend to overreact and get weirdly angry about dumb sports articles that I read. I don't know if it's jealousy or self-righteousness or if I'm just a maniac, but whenever I read something horribly stupid about sports I just let it bother me for days on end. I literally simmer with irritation. But a few days ago I had the most amazing epiphany: I envisioned a future version of myself, blood pressure skyrocketing, dropping dead from a heart attack because I was so annoyed by some stupid article by some hack reporter trying to meet a deadline. It wasn't a pretty sight. I realized also that I'm wasting my life with this nonsense. I'll always love sports, and I consider an evening at the ballyard to be time well spent. But poorly written, illogical nonsense isn't worth my time, because life is short and Book 3 of the Baroque Cycle isn't going to read itself.

So in that spirit, I'm going to spend the next few days, weeks, months, and beyond trying to keep to the following pledges:

• I'm not reading Frank Fitzpatrick anymore, because he's a nasty, cantankerous old bastard.
• I'm not reading Bill Simmons anymore, because he's an arrogant hypocrite (and not an especially good or interesting writer either, might I add).
• There's a message board out there dedicated to discussing Simmons' work, and I've checked it out a few times because it can be pretty funny (they pretty much hate him too at this point). But I'm not going to read it anymore, because everyone on there is a misogynist and a homophobe, and I'm getting a little tired of it.
• I'm not reading Gregg Easterbrook anymore, because he's a crazy, pompous blowhard. (I've been avoiding him for a little while now anyway, and I must say, I feel like a million bucks.)
• I've been pretty good about not reading Phillies message boards for the past year, and I want to keep that up, because everyone on there is entirely too negative; those places are just no fun at all.
• I'm most certainly never going to read the comments pages on ESPN.com again. I don't know why I continually make this mistake. The comments pages on ESPN.com are the absolute bottoming out of our culture. Seriously, if you thought nothing could be more troglodyte-level stupid than a YouTube comment, think again. Who the hell are these people? How do they even operate their computers? I mean, grammar? Punctuation? Are these such foreign concepts?
• I'm not going to read sports blogs anymore, if I can help it, because let's face it: blogs are stupid.

Anyway, I'm just sick to death of all of this stuff and it's time for me to take control of my life. My time is precious, I've got other stuff to do, and I'm not going to give myself coronaries anymore worrying about the crazy opinions of people who don't even know me. It's a new, exciting era!

Tomorrow my dad and I are going to the final Phils/Sox game. The sun will be shining, the Phils are in first place, and I'm not going to let negativity and insecurity ruin my good time. It should be fun, and I feel good about it.

Phils 20, Cards 2 (guh-WHA?!)

Apparently this is the first time since 1900 that the Phils have scored 20 twice in a season.

1900!

That's literally the year "The Wizard of Oz" was published.

I only saw part of the game myself - in fact, I really only saw the crazy 9 run inning - because Sharon and I went to check out The Ugly American at Front & Federal which is a fine place and then we walked back to her place and had a pint at Ray's on the way.

See? They're back to scoring giant barrels full of runs. It's Dolphin Stadium, I tell you. Bad vibes in that place, man, bad vibes. I'm just going to keep harping on it until even I get sick of talking about it.

I recently acquired a 1 GB USB thumb drive so I can carry my brilliant writing to and from work and work on it during my lunch break. Just now (about ten minutes ago) I got home from the gym and discovered that I couldn't find the thing in my gym bag. I dumped the bag out on my living room floor and everything, panicking and sweating even more than I already was. I fondled all of my gym clothes in lascivious ways, hoping that it might have been folded up in there, but it wasn't. It wasn't anywhere. I hadn't seen it anywhere when I was packing up my stuff in the locker room and I started to ponder calling the gym to see if it was on the floor or something. It was a pretty horrible 60 seconds; a truly low point in my life.

Then I found it in the back pocket of the shorts I was wearing at that moment. I was so happy I almost cried, and that's not some kind of absurd exaggeration for comic effect. Okay, it is. But really, I'm so relieved I can't even put it into words, that rollercoaster I was just on.

If you need me I'll be in the shower.

Dehydration

Yesterday afternoon I biked up to Sharon's place in the appalling heat (dumb thing to do), and then we went out to dinner and then walked over to the TLA to see the Breeders. Near the end of the show I started to feel incredibly weak, my legs and feet were in horrible achy pain, and as we left the show and started up South Street I found I could barely move and wanted to just fall over and sleep for many days. It was pointed out to me that I hadn't had anything to drink in a while and that it was really hot out and I was almost certainly dehydrated. I don't think that's ever really happened to me before and I can only say that it's really not good and whoever you are and wherever you're reading this, go drink a glass of water. That's going to be my cause from now on.

Sharon is a saint and an angel (yes, both) for putting up with my weak, grotesque, aching, sweat-addled body taking up precious room in her house last night. I felt like garbage, slept pretty horribly, and probably acted like a babbling idiot and made an ass of myself 10-15 times. For which I will be eternally sorry.

This morning I biked home, showered, got dressed, ate some breakfast, and then finally concluded that I still felt like crap, so I called out sick and went back to bed for five hours. I feel okay now, still kind of weak and I don't feel like moving much. I'm taking advantage of my day off to work on my book and listen to John Coltrane.

The Phils are playing really, and I mean really well - yesterday's game was great, the sweep was spectacular, and if they keep this up this could be a great month - so that's cheering me up a bit. Still, I don't like to be sick and I feel awful about how awful I felt last night, if that makes sense. Also, I hate calling out sick from work, it fills me with intense feelings of unexplainable guilt and lameness, which is why I have like 600 sick days saved up. So here's hoping I improve by tomorrow.

In conclusion: go drink a glass of water!

4/8: Phils 5, Mets 2

What happened: What happened? Lots of great things, that's what! Here's a few: (1) The Phils won. (b) The Mets lost. (4) Good game from Jamie Moyer, and a very good game from the bullpen. (5a) They won without hitting any home runs, and I have this thing where I like when they do that, because it's good to know, once in a while, that they're not a one-trick pony. Come on guys, manufacture some runs! Run a little small ball! (On the other hand, if they're just gonna mash four home runs every day like they did on Monday, that's fine too. I'm not even sure what my argument is.) (vi) They get to 4-4, and they get the season series with the Mets off to a good start. I mean, it's just one game, on April 8, I'm not going to get that excited about it... there's still 17 more against these guys, plenty of time for them to figure out how to beat us, assuming they can. Heh heh. (F) Endy Chavez hit into a double play. Heh heh. (7.2.1) Today was my second day biking to work, and I feel great. Maybe it's some kind of placebo effect but I already feel healthier and thinner. I think I'll celebrate tonight with a burger and some beer. (₤) Flight of the Conchords are playing the Tower Theatre on May 5! No word yet on an opening act but... oh, can you imagine??? [swoon]*

Next: That the best you got, Mets? Bring it on!

*Sharon, feel free to just punch me in the head.

By way of explanation

Thanks to Comcast, my internet access has been sporadic this week, and thanks to my shamefully terrible work ethic, my writing of updates has been equally sporadic. I should hopefully have a new thing on Hot Sauce this week, right after I, you know, write it. (Note to self: do that.)

Back soon with some general thoughts, maybe some Phillies stuff, and more Kristen-y things. I got what you want, people, you know you love it.

GO EAGLES!!!

Film & Music

Please check out a short documentary film about my brother. It's beautifully made and filled with Jon's trademark erudition, plus rockin' tunes! I can't say as I can get behind his anti-Philly stance, but that's our Jon!

I can't wait until this moving business is all over and I can sit in my office (I'm finally going to have an office in my home, my life-long ambition) and get some writing done for once. As opposed to this rambling and not-writing and celebrity stalking I've been doing lately. It's all distractions, and they need to go.

Not really an update at all, really

I've been distracted lately by house buying, other writing projects, my unrelenting hatred of Boston teams, and assorted personal stuff. When everything settles down I'll be back. Until then I order you to enjoy this interview with Miss Tree herself. Marvel at the heretofore unmatched combination of cuteness and brilliance. While you're doing that, I have to go give some guy seven thousand dollars tomorrow.

You win, universe

Yeah, so, the Phils hit like .008 against the Rockies and, oh, this just in: Jose Mesa is old and terrible. Nice work. What a tease. Still, they won the division, just like I've always wanted them to, and the Mets didn't. I'll always remember the final weeks of the season and how great the guys played. And then I'll pretend that that was it, that the entire point of baseball is to win the NL East, and that anything after that are just meaningless exhibition contests. I think I can keep up that ridiculous lie for the rest of my life, sure.

And now, How I Will Spend My Phillies-Free October (TM):

1. Hangin' with Sharon
2. Darjeeling Limited!!!
3. New Radiohead tomorrow!!!
4. More house buying business to take care of
5. More editing, writing, etc. Can't think about that right now, it's killing me.
6. The Wire Season 2 w/ Matt
7. Spoon, 10/19
8. Eagles? Flyers? Probably. Can't think about sports right now.
9. Really should be reading more books
10. I'm sure I'll think of a 10th thing eventually.

Kristen Schaal link of the week: This is a montage of all the best Mel moments, highlighting Kristen's unstoppable cuteness and greatness. Sadly, you can't actually hear any of the dialogue, so if you don't like the Divinyls you can turn down the sound and listen to whatever you want (I had on Octopus by Gentle Giant). Did I mention cuteness? [swoon]

The other way round, for a change

All season long the pitching's been letting down the hitting, but tonight they decided to go the other way. You can't leave that many guys on base, guys, not in a playoff race.

I've accomplished pretty much nothing tonight... just one of those lazy nights... I guess the Phils and I are synced up or something. Yes, babbling.

DOBBS

Andrew predicted the sweep on Thursday, so a shout out to him. Told you it would be a rollercoaster.

Things are pretty exciting for me right now.

Tomorrow, we root for: the Phils, the Nats, the Pirates, and the Eagles. Best of luck to all.

It's been a very, very good day.