Don't think twice (don't think twice) don't think twice HOO!

On June 11 Raul Ibanez hit a three run homer in extras at Fake Shea Stadium to finish off a 7-3 road trip. The Phils were 35-23, had a four game lead, and except for a few flaws they looked, I say, like a million bucks. Since that time, they've gone 2-11, had a 1-9 homestand, got swept by the Orioles (!), lost Ibanez, Lidge, Bastardo, Eyre, Condrey, and now Park apparently to the DL, Madson was atrocious as the closer, Rollins was and still is benched for being the worst leadoff hitter in baseball history, they can't hit, they can't pitch, they make all kinds of dumbass fielding and baserunning mistakes, they just generally suck a lot of ass and look terrible doing it, I had to sit through not one but two dull, excrutiating losses when I could have been doing any number of other useful things, and Michael Jackson died. In short, it's been a resoundingly terrible two weeks for Phillies fans who might also happen to like Michael Jackson.

I don't even really know what I'm trying to say here, other than pointing out the blindingly obvious. The problem with being a sports fan is that you literally have no power and are completely helpless at all times. In the good times that isn't so much of a problem; you don't really notice it. You can say, "Oh look, Brad Lidge is striking out Eric Hinske to win the World Series. That's really great. I think I'll scream and jump around now just like the players are doing." But beyond that you can do nothing at all. I didn't make Eric Hinske's bat miss that pitch, or help Jayson Werth catch that second out, or help Pedro drive in Pat for the Series-winning run. I just sat/stood there and watched it all happen, as I had done for months (years) up to that point. Now we're here in the bad times, and the total helplessness is magnified; I can only stare horrified as the Red Sox rack up ten runs, shake my head in disgust as Bruntlett proves himself to be the world's worst pinch hitter, marvel at the otherworldly terribleness of Jack Taschner. I can't make Jimmy hit like '07 Jimmy. The only thing I can really do is write about it on this blog, and tell you that if I wasn't getting ready to get married in nine days, I'd feel even crappier about this team than I currently do, and that would be no good at all.

So what I need to do is just concentrate on the wedding, and then go and get married on July 5, and then maybe later that week I'll start worrying about the Phillies full time again. For now, they're going to have to suffer through this nightmare without me, because quite frankly I've got stuff to do.

Much is afoot. Wedding planning continues unabated. The trucks to Clearwater are being gassed up and loaded. According to Wikipedia, today is Kristen Schaal's 31st birthday (but look, I'm an engaged man now, and as the President said the other day, the time has come to put away childish things). The Eagles totally forgot to bring their defensive players to Arizona (worst game ever, I can't even think about it without getting angry and confused and scared).

But enough about those things, let's talk about something truly important: the name of our new soccer team! I'm disappointed but not at all surprised that they're apparently going for some kind of Euro-ripoff name. I don't know why they feel the need to do such a thing: it's just going to turn away or at the very least bore casual fans, and this is a city that already has a rich sports culture, so why do we need to just co-opt ideas from far off places? I'm not saying we need to resurrect "Atoms" or "Fury" or anything like that. I love the name "Atoms", I've always been fascinated by the Atoms, and I plan on wearing my Atoms t-shirt to the stadium at least once. To be honest, because I've read a lot about them and they represent, to me, an important and interesting slice of Philly sports history, and because I am a melodramatic nerd, it would actually mean a lot to me to be able to go to a soccer game and root for a team called the Philadelphia Atoms. But I'm not going to write that in as my vote, because I like the idea of keeping the name retired and starting fresh with something new (and also for strategic voting reasons, but more on that in a bit).

Let's take a look at the options.

SC: Boring, but tolerable. To their credit, I like the fact that they've basically gone for "Soccer Club" instead of "Football Club", because there are already two teams in the league (Dallas and Toronto) named "FC" (which by the way is totally uncreative nonsense, I mean come on Dallas and Toronto, get it together), and also because this is Philly, where we already have a game called football that we really like and will never be less popular than soccer. Sorry, Europosers, we call it "soccer" here; if you don't like it, move to Portsmouth or something.

AC: Also boring, but I have to admit that it's growing on me. It's soccer-ish and a nice, subtle reference to the Philadelphia Athletics (if indeed they intend it to mean "Athletic Club" and not some dumb European thing, and by the way I apologize if I sound really xenophobic, I don't hate Europe or anything, Europe's cool, I'm just really annoyed it's not going to be Atoms and I'm taking it out on a whole continent).

City: This is just dumb.

Union: Appalling. Awful. I hate this name so freaking much. Also: it's almost exactly the same as "United", and there's already a team called "DC United", who will presumably be one of our biggest regional rivals. So why would I give my team the same name as... ugh! Oh god, so stupid.

Write-in Options: Besides "Atoms" I have no ideas that I think will win. Over on the Sons of Ben message board, a couple of fans are pushing for something like "Philadelphia 2010" with the idea that the nickname would be "Zolos", a made up word that looks sort of like "2010". (This, in case you're wondering, is one of the reasons why I have yet to post on this message board, despite my total excitement about the new team and the fact that these guys would, one presumes, be my new soccer buddies. I'm just afraid of going on there and saying "Um, guys, has it not occured to you that 'Zolos' is totally cheesy and lame?" and getting flamed. I guess I could try to play nice, but really, "Zolos"? Am I being that unreasonable?)

Anyway, I'm leaning toward just voting for "AC" because it has a better chance of winning than "Atoms" and to lessen the chance that "Union" or "2010" will win. Look, no matter what happens, I'm going to be a huge fan, and alienate my future wife and our future family by wasting even more of my time watching absurd amounts of sports, and I'll buy the team's jersey no matter what's on it, because this is the kind of blind loyalty that I subscribe to for reasons I can't explain. I'm really looking forward to it.

But really, if you haven't voted yet and/or don't care, and you feel like helping me out, please vote for anything but "Union", that's all I ask.

DVDs and updates

Thanks to Andrew for hooking me up with a huge pile of old Phillies video yearbooks, so I can revel in the glory of various terrible late 80s teams that I only dimly remember and were uniformly pathetic. It's great. I also ordered a bunch more DVDs from the Phillies website, plus the World Series box set (it hasn't arrived yet, but I'm sure it's the greatest object ever produced by humans) and for the hell of it, a couple of old Eagles DVDs too. The "2004 NFC Champions" DVD arrived today and it's fantastic, and has successfully pumped me up for tomorrow's game. Holy crap, the game! We're in the NFC Championship game! I only saw/heard 75% of the Giants game because I was traveling around Northern California at the time. Fantastic, glorious stuff. This one just feels different, and I think it's because we're already the reigning champions of the pro sports world. The Phillies have helped us just relax and enjoy it for a change - enjoy the experience of a good, fun team playing better and going farther than we ever could have thought they would. It feels great. It feels nice not to take sports so seriously for once (of course, once the game starts, I'll be cursing and throwing things and having unhealthy heart palpitations just like the old days, and I can't wait).

Meanwhile, why didn't anyone tell me wedding planning was this complicated? You really dropped the ball, people.

FLY EAGLES FLY!!!