Don't think twice (don't think twice) don't think twice HOO!

On June 11 Raul Ibanez hit a three run homer in extras at Fake Shea Stadium to finish off a 7-3 road trip. The Phils were 35-23, had a four game lead, and except for a few flaws they looked, I say, like a million bucks. Since that time, they've gone 2-11, had a 1-9 homestand, got swept by the Orioles (!), lost Ibanez, Lidge, Bastardo, Eyre, Condrey, and now Park apparently to the DL, Madson was atrocious as the closer, Rollins was and still is benched for being the worst leadoff hitter in baseball history, they can't hit, they can't pitch, they make all kinds of dumbass fielding and baserunning mistakes, they just generally suck a lot of ass and look terrible doing it, I had to sit through not one but two dull, excrutiating losses when I could have been doing any number of other useful things, and Michael Jackson died. In short, it's been a resoundingly terrible two weeks for Phillies fans who might also happen to like Michael Jackson.

I don't even really know what I'm trying to say here, other than pointing out the blindingly obvious. The problem with being a sports fan is that you literally have no power and are completely helpless at all times. In the good times that isn't so much of a problem; you don't really notice it. You can say, "Oh look, Brad Lidge is striking out Eric Hinske to win the World Series. That's really great. I think I'll scream and jump around now just like the players are doing." But beyond that you can do nothing at all. I didn't make Eric Hinske's bat miss that pitch, or help Jayson Werth catch that second out, or help Pedro drive in Pat for the Series-winning run. I just sat/stood there and watched it all happen, as I had done for months (years) up to that point. Now we're here in the bad times, and the total helplessness is magnified; I can only stare horrified as the Red Sox rack up ten runs, shake my head in disgust as Bruntlett proves himself to be the world's worst pinch hitter, marvel at the otherworldly terribleness of Jack Taschner. I can't make Jimmy hit like '07 Jimmy. The only thing I can really do is write about it on this blog, and tell you that if I wasn't getting ready to get married in nine days, I'd feel even crappier about this team than I currently do, and that would be no good at all.

So what I need to do is just concentrate on the wedding, and then go and get married on July 5, and then maybe later that week I'll start worrying about the Phillies full time again. For now, they're going to have to suffer through this nightmare without me, because quite frankly I've got stuff to do.

4/2 Nats 1, Phils 0 (!); Pens 4, Flyers 2 (@*$!!?!?!)

What happened: The Phils decided to spend the first two games of the season teaching us a valuable lesson: baseball is an extremely cruel, stupid game.

Just spent an extremely frustrating evening watching the Flyers and Phils lose. The Flyers had no answers for the faster, better-goaltending Penguins; the Phils rarely hit anything and when they did it was directly and I mean directly into the gloves of the Nats' fielders. It was pretty horrendous. There's plenty of time left for the Phils, of course, but the Flyers are hanging onto that 8th seed by a thread with only two games left.

Why do I do this to myself? How many novels would I have written by now if it wasn't for sports? Would I be living in a mansion? The mind boggles.

On the plus side, Pedro Feliz had a hit, like I told you he would.

The Phils picked up veteran reliever Rudy Seanez. I'll give him the Husker Du song "Standing by the Sea", just to go with the lame pun on his name. Meanwhile, the Phils cut Wes Helms, so let's salute Wes Helms for a moment. So long Wes, I'll always remember... hmm, I can't remember anything, really. He really had the most unremarkable year here last year. I mean, I even have one or two fond memories of David Bell and Abe Nunez, for crying out loud, but none of Wes Helms.

I do remember one time Helms actually lost his shoe trying to field a ball at third. Yeah, he just... he just wasn't very good.

Next: Two more games for the Flyers, 160 for the Phils. Mark your calendars.

Wait, I said I was going to update after every game this year, didn't I? Well, fortunately, thanks to the off day, there's still time for me to not be a filthy liar.

3/31 Nats 11, Phils 6

What happened: Guess what? Our bullpen isn't good. Pedro Feliz goes 0-4 in his debut; Mayor Nutter throws the best first pitch I've ever seen.

Phils record: 0-1 (fourth place, ahead of Atlanta - ha ha!)

See, here's the thing: I'm trying to remind myself it was just one game. And of course, it was. It's just that I'm kind of an emotional panicky guy and I see things like how sloppy they looked on Monday and, well, I'm not happy. I mean, what if the pitching is really, literally that terrible? And they give up 11 runs per game every single day? Shouldn't they divest themselves of that habit immediately?

But, as usual, I need to calm down. And I have. Let me see two - hell, three! - games like that one before I start throwing swivel chairs through windows. It's just... it's just that I was really feeling a win, and I had this whole idea for a post about how great Philadelphia is because I went to John's Roast Pork before the game and it was really, really good, and I was feeling good about the whole day... I don't know, they just like to ruin my days and waste my time.

Fun fact: as far as I can determine that was the first ever regular season game played in Pennsylvania in the month of March - that was our first one, and the Pirates have never had one, and they never played this early back in the days of the A's. Ruminate on that tonight while you're trying to fall asleep.

Next: Hollywood Hamels makes his season debut. I predict a hit from Feliz, and the bullpen calms down.