On Sunday, for the first time since April 8, 1981, and for only the second time in human history, the Phillies will take the field on Opening Day as defending World Series champions.

That sound you just heard was me flinging a chair across the room in excitement.

And now I'd like to apologize for using the very lame and tired "that sound you just heard" trope, which is second only to "there is no truth to the rumor that" on the list of incredibly bad, hacky, unfunny cliches used by terrible sportswriters.

Anyway, I hadn't thought about Opening Day or even the season much until very recently, because I've been busy with other things, following other sports, working, and so on, plus the Phillies are in the very interesting position of still being really good, so I haven't had to spend the offseason worrying about how terrible they're going to be. I'm quite confident that they aren't going to be terrible at all. Confidence is a wonderful, liberating thing, you should try it some time.

The lineup, I'm not worried about the lineup just yet. The starters look okay, especially Blanton - who knew? The bullpen should be solid. They have plenty of decent options for the bench. There you go, I just described a very good baseball team. The NL is up for grabs, and the AL is filed with overrated scumbags. One thing leads to another, and I get to take another day off for a parade, and buy another 8-disc World Series DVD box set. Accolades all around!

So, here are my problems with the World Baseball Classic:
1. In theory, I wouldn't mind rooting for the US team, but it's filled with guys like Chipper Jones and Kevin Youkilis and David Wright, men who I literally refuse to root for in any situation - I don't care that we were born on the same landmass within the same political divisions, it isn't going to happen.
2. The WBC uses the same idiotic, fake-baseball extra innings rules that they use in the Olympics, plus they have a "mercy rule". Mercy rule. What is this, Little League? If you're down 10-0, you take it like a man. Brush a guy back or something. Come on, South Africa, grow a set.
3. One other observation, but I have to take a shower and go to work. Back in a bit.

Wait, I said I was going to update after every game this year, didn't I? Well, fortunately, thanks to the off day, there's still time for me to not be a filthy liar.

3/31 Nats 11, Phils 6

What happened: Guess what? Our bullpen isn't good. Pedro Feliz goes 0-4 in his debut; Mayor Nutter throws the best first pitch I've ever seen.

Phils record: 0-1 (fourth place, ahead of Atlanta - ha ha!)

See, here's the thing: I'm trying to remind myself it was just one game. And of course, it was. It's just that I'm kind of an emotional panicky guy and I see things like how sloppy they looked on Monday and, well, I'm not happy. I mean, what if the pitching is really, literally that terrible? And they give up 11 runs per game every single day? Shouldn't they divest themselves of that habit immediately?

But, as usual, I need to calm down. And I have. Let me see two - hell, three! - games like that one before I start throwing swivel chairs through windows. It's just... it's just that I was really feeling a win, and I had this whole idea for a post about how great Philadelphia is because I went to John's Roast Pork before the game and it was really, really good, and I was feeling good about the whole day... I don't know, they just like to ruin my days and waste my time.

Fun fact: as far as I can determine that was the first ever regular season game played in Pennsylvania in the month of March - that was our first one, and the Pirates have never had one, and they never played this early back in the days of the A's. Ruminate on that tonight while you're trying to fall asleep.

Next: Hollywood Hamels makes his season debut. I predict a hit from Feliz, and the bullpen calms down.

I wanted to post my 2008 Phillies preview this morning, before the game, but I’ve been struggling to come up with something. See, I’m not really a real sportswriter (truth be told I’m only barely literate), and while I’m fascinated by baseball stats I’m not enough of a stat geek to tell you whether or not this is the year. I will, just briefly, urge you not to listen to the pundits who have dismissed the Phils as a one shot deal, and want you to believe that the reloaded Mets, or even the quietly rebuilding Braves, are this year’s team to beat. Instead, listen to one biased phan’s opinion: all three teams are pretty great, and all three teams are pretty flawed. I decided not to make any predictions this year (well, I made them, but I’m keeping them to myself), but I will share one with you: it will be a three-way dogfight until the bitter end. Expect a different team taking the lead every week, maybe a bench clearing brawl or two. It’ll be fun. Come on, Phillies fans, it’s Opening Day, and we’re the defending division champs. Let’s roll!

In that spirit, and because I haven’t thought of anything better, I’ve decided to assign a Husker Du song to each member of the Opening Day roster.

Carlos Ruiz: "Ice Cold Ice"
Ryan Howard: "Divide and Conquer"
Chase Utley: "Celebrated Summer"
Jimmy Rollins: "Visionary"
Pedro Feliz: "Could You Be the One?"
Pat Burrell: "These Important Years"
Shane Victorino: "Flexible Flyer"
Geoff Jenkins: "I Don't Know for Sure"
Chris Coste: "You're a Soldier"
Jayson Werth: "Wheels"
So Taguchi: "Back from Somewhere"
Eric Bruntlett: "Indecision Time"
Greg Dobbs: "Do You Remember?"
Wes Helms: "It's Not Funny Anymore"
Brett Myers: "Perfect Example"
Cole Hamels: "Private Plane"
Jamie Moyer: "Keep Hanging On"
Kyle Kendrick: "One Step at a Time"
Adam Eaton: "New Day Rising"
Tom Gordon: "What's Going On"
J.C. Romero: "No Reservations"
Ryan Madson: "I Apologize"
Clay Condrey: "Chartered Trips"
Chad Durbin: "Don't Know Yet"
Tim Lahey: "Makes No Sense At All"
Charlie Manuel: "The Wit and the Wisdom"
Pat Gillick: "Blah, Blah, Blah"

Anyway: let's go Phils. 2008 ahoy!