Melodrama's so much fun, black and white for everyone... to seeeeeeee...... TO SEE.

All right, maybe Dolphin Stadium isn't necessarily "evil". Maybe the Phils are just in a kind of slump and can't score runs at the moment. Seems reasonable. I don't know if today's three runs (every one of which they had to scrape and claw for) are exactly going to snap them out of it, but it's a start. Plus the Braves and Mets lost today, so crisis averted for now.

Speaking of the Mets, I saw their score (a 5-4 loss to the D-Backs) flash on the TV and I actually laughed. I've never literally laughed at a score before. And I don't mean I did a sarcastic mean fake laugh like "Ha ha, stupid Mets", I mean I had checked that score earlier in the day and the Mets were winning 4-2 and I figured they'd hold on, and now I don't know why I thought that. The sight of yet another Mets bullpen collapse made me laugh. I hate to just blow them off because it's a long season and I'm sure they'll be a pain in my ass again at some point this year, but really, it's getting ugly over there. Ha ha, stupid Mets.

As I write this the Celtics are losing by 19 points. Now, there's been a lot of talk lately about the NBA's possible shadiness and whether their games are on the up and up, so to speak. Maybe, yeah, maybe it's in the best interest of the league for this series to go 6 or 7... but on the other hand, barring a meteor hitting the Staples Center right now, which would be the ideal scenario, the second best scenario would be Boston collapsing and losing the series in humiliating fashion. So I'm in favor of a tied series right now... no questions asked. Yes, I know the Lakers are evil and they beat us in 2001 and their star player is a rapist, but on the other hand, have I mentioned that I hate Boston? Also, I love Kareem Abdul-Jabaar because he was in Airplane!

Just as a follow up to last night's tirade, the Inquirer this morning confirms that Werth's bunt was Werth's idea alone, and that Charlie wanted him swinging there. And of course he did, because bunting there is stupid.

Listen, these Phils are still very good and it's too early to panic over a two game losing streak. But really, they just all need to get on the same page about this stuff, especially in the late innings against division rivals. BOO!

GAAAAARRGGGGHH!!!!!!!

(or: Marlins 6, Phils 2)

Good news, dear reader(s)! That profanity-laced tirade you ordered just arrived from the factory! Shall I install it for you?

I've written before in this space about how Dolphin Stadium is an evil place. Something terrible and stupid always seems to happen to the Phillies there. Their 2003 season was ruined there, Brett Myers got injured there last year, and now tonight they lost a game they deserved to lose because they played like assholes.

I have a two part question. First, why the motherfucking motherfuck did Jayson Werth bunt with two outs and the bases loaded - on the first pitch, no less - with the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, when the pitcher had been throwing wild garbage the entire inning?

Before you answer that, here's the follow up question: Why the motherfucking motherfuck did Jayson Werth bunt with two outs and the bases loaded - on the first pitch, no less - with the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, when the pitcher had been throwing wild garbage the entire inning?

And then Tom Gordon comes in and pitches like a dick and wastes my time and gives up a walk-off grand slam to Mr. Popeye Arms.

Shame on me for thinking what I thought the other day, which is that these Phillies are special and have a "spark" about them and that this season is going to be different. Well, it turns out this season is going to be exactly like every other season: they're going to beat everybody except the goddamn Marlins.

I hate the Marlins, I hate Dolphin Stadium, I hate Dan Uggla, I hate Jorge Cantu, I hate Hanley Ramirez, I hate the Marlins, I hate the Marlins. AAAAAAAAARRGRGRRHRHRGRHRHHH!!!!! I hope their stadium deal falls through and they decide to move but no city wants them and they fold. I actually, literally hope that. I hate the Marlins. I am so... GRRRRRR I'm going to go do something else now.