GAAAAARRGGGGHH!!!!!!!

(or: Marlins 6, Phils 2)

Good news, dear reader(s)! That profanity-laced tirade you ordered just arrived from the factory! Shall I install it for you?

I've written before in this space about how Dolphin Stadium is an evil place. Something terrible and stupid always seems to happen to the Phillies there. Their 2003 season was ruined there, Brett Myers got injured there last year, and now tonight they lost a game they deserved to lose because they played like assholes.

I have a two part question. First, why the motherfucking motherfuck did Jayson Werth bunt with two outs and the bases loaded - on the first pitch, no less - with the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, when the pitcher had been throwing wild garbage the entire inning?

Before you answer that, here's the follow up question: Why the motherfucking motherfuck did Jayson Werth bunt with two outs and the bases loaded - on the first pitch, no less - with the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, when the pitcher had been throwing wild garbage the entire inning?

And then Tom Gordon comes in and pitches like a dick and wastes my time and gives up a walk-off grand slam to Mr. Popeye Arms.

Shame on me for thinking what I thought the other day, which is that these Phillies are special and have a "spark" about them and that this season is going to be different. Well, it turns out this season is going to be exactly like every other season: they're going to beat everybody except the goddamn Marlins.

I hate the Marlins, I hate Dolphin Stadium, I hate Dan Uggla, I hate Jorge Cantu, I hate Hanley Ramirez, I hate the Marlins, I hate the Marlins. AAAAAAAAARRGRGRRHRHRGRHRHHH!!!!! I hope their stadium deal falls through and they decide to move but no city wants them and they fold. I actually, literally hope that. I hate the Marlins. I am so... GRRRRRR I'm going to go do something else now.