Sort of about K. Schaal but not really

June’s been really busy so I’m quite late with this. In “blog time”, 3+ weeks is like 400 years, so either you’ve already seen this or it’s so old you don’t care, but here’s Kristen Schaal on the Daily Show back on June 5. Nearly a month later I’m still fascinated by this piece because (a) Kristen takes off her clothes on national television (though it’s not quite as thrilling as all that, because she’s wearing this outfit underneath with fake bare shoulders, so it’s not even like… oh, never mind, I’ll just keep it to myself), and (b) it’s about the question of sexism in the media’s coverage of Sen. Clinton’s campaign, particularly the ridiculous comments from various horrible conservative jackasses. (In the interests of full disclosure I’ll just mention that I voted for Obama, but I do have respect for Clinton and wouldn’t have minded so much if she had won. Truth be told, I’m sort of annoyed about the whole thing because their platforms were really so incredibly similar that the whole thing in the end just literally became a popularity contest, which isn’t right, but I’m not here to discuss that so never mind.)

Anyway, more than one of the horrible conservative jackasses in this segment (in which, I feel compelled to mention again, Kristen Schaal takes off her clothes) says (I’m paraphrasing) “When Hilary Clinton talks, I’m reminded of my wife nagging me to take out the garbage!”

I’m fascinated by this for a number of reasons. First of all, what are you, Henny Youngman? Second of all, how and why did “taking out the garbage” become the generic chore that men hate doing? Why is that the standard “nagging wife” example?

I live alone, but even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have to be nagged or even gently reminded to take out the garbage. I look forward to garbage day, because it means I get to remove garbage from my house. Why would I have to be nagged about that? “What do you mean, you want me to remove rotting food and unhealthy filth from my living space? Geez, get off my back!” Who are these idiot pundits and what is their problem? Take out the damn garbage, you loathsome pigs.

I’m not married, but if I was I’d like to believe I would say things like this: “Darling wife, unlike right wing maniacs who hate women, I married you because I love you and I like having you around, and I consider our marriage to be an equal partnership in which I treat you with the respect you deserve, and during the occasional moments when I forget to do my equal share I will respond with grace and dignity, instead of treating you like an insufferable shrew who’s wasting my time. Also, thank you for reminding me to take out the garbage, but I actually already did that a few hours ago, because I don’t want fucking garbage in my house.”

All right, I think I got that off my chest. Let’s not think about these disreputable news sources and the awful human beings who fill their air time. Instead, let’s just remember the real lesson we can take away from this: Kristen Schaal is pretty and has nice legs and should be on TV every night, ideally for three or four hours at a time.

(By the way, I’ll just mention that I am not nearly as creepy as I sound, because I have a girlfriend named Sharon, who I love more than I love Kristen Schaal. Last August I would not have thought that was possible, but it turns out it is! Who knew?)

The best part of Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs was the stegosaurus on the White House lawn. I almost started crying, that was so funny. Then I had to explain to Sharon why it was funny, and I couldn't. She's right, why is that?

Going to Mission of Burma tomorrow, which is good. It will be at the FU Church on the evening of a 92 degree day, and that's no good at all, because I'm an old man and good lord, does that place get hot.

Angels 7, Phils 1

Didn't see it. Incredibly glad I didn't.

The Phils' weaknesses have been exposed over the past two weeks: starting pitching and offensive depth. The first is a problem because they have three, I repeat, THREE starters that I simply don't trust right now, Myers, Eaton, and Kendrick. The second might not be a problem forever but it's a serious problem right now. This team is basically built around the idea that four guys (Rollins, Utley, Howard, and Burrell) hit a lot and score lots of runs. Unfortunately, all four of them are simultaneously in slumps, and the team is screwed. Three months into the season it's become obvious that Jenkins, Feliz, and Ruiz simply aren't good enough to pick up the slack when the Big Four aren't hitting. (And see the previous post for further thoughts on Ruiz.)

I realize that the Phils have run into some great pitching lately, I mean I know Ervin Santana and Jon Lester are great, but come on, two hits last night? On a warm night in a hitter's park? Something's wrong, and they need to do something about it before everything starts to slip away.

Tonight is an absolutely crucial game. Obviously, the season isn't over if they lose it, and no matter what happens they'll still be in first place tomorrow morning. But it would be their fourth loss in a row and their fourth series loss in a row. If Myers has another bad game and/or the lineup continues to suck they need to do something about it. Find a new starter on the waiver wire. Call up a starter from the minors. Bench the Big Four. Start Werth and Dobbs. Make Coste the #1 catcher. Bring back Chris Snelling (that kid had some pop, and we didn't see nearly enough of him). Come up with some crazy new batting order. Something! Shake things up, Charlie, because whatever you're doing right now is getting stale.

The really sad thing is that even throughout this protracted slump where the team's been terrible, the bullpen has remained pretty good. You know, the bullpen, the very thing that was this team's biggest problem last year. Why can't we have one full season where everything works???

Oh yeah, and the Mets are starting to pick it up. If you, reading this right now, are the person in charge of making such things happen, then I want you to know that I hate you.

Red Sox 7, Phillies 4

I was at the game and it occurred to me at one point that I've run out of words to describe my hatred for Boston. My vocabulary simply isn't big enough. I'm going to need to start making up words like Dr. Seuss. "Those Red Sox - they're frab-brabuously evil, like a Seven-beaked Zixer Zux Zax!"

Having said that, I was able to choke back my rage and avoid getting into fights with pink hat-wearing girls, and I didn't kick nine-year-olds in Ortiz jerseys in the stomach like I briefly considered doing. I can't stand Red Sox fans, but it's not their fault the Phils lost today. The guys are just in a slump, every one of them. The spark they had just two weeks ago isn't there. Bad at-bats, bad baserunning. Kendrick was awful today, and the lineup can't get anything going at all. I'm also starting to agree with Andrew that Carlos Ruiz just doesn't have it. I'd start Chris Coste at catcher every day until I found a reason not to, but that's just me.

I've chosen to believe that the really excellent Phillies of two weeks ago are the real 2008 Phillies, and right now we're just seeing a brief hiccup on the way to another division title. I hope. If they keep this stuff up, though, before long we'll be chasing the Marlins again, and that's no good. (Yeah, the Marlins. Forget the Red Sox, the Marlins are a team you can really focus some nice healthy hate on.)

Serenity now!

Been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. No, nothing to do with anything real or useful. It's more about my sports-liking hobby and how I handle it mentally and emotionally. Fortunately for me, the Phils are good this year, and I've got confidence in them. It's a strange and unnatural feeling but I'm getting used to it. Tonight, I came home to find that the Phils had lost 3-0 to a team I can't stand. The World's Most Annoying Human Being (Non-Joba Chamberlain Division), Jonathan Papelbon, got the save. As recently as last year, that would have made me run into my kitchen and destroy plates. Now, I just remind myself that it's only June, the Phils are still in first place, and the Red Sox can't literally hurt me, and I feel much better.

Speaking of Boston, here's another example: in recent years past, the sight of the Boston Celtics winning the NBA championship one year removed from being arguably the league's worst team thanks to having improved themselves via an incredibly fishy trade in which they acquired one of the league's five best players from a team whose GM is a former Celtic would have made me vomit violently with rage and hatred. Now... well, I'm not even remotely happy about it, but I have to just accept it, don't I? I mean, what can I do?

Meanwhile, I've noticed (and I'm sure you have as well) that I tend to overreact and get weirdly angry about dumb sports articles that I read. I don't know if it's jealousy or self-righteousness or if I'm just a maniac, but whenever I read something horribly stupid about sports I just let it bother me for days on end. I literally simmer with irritation. But a few days ago I had the most amazing epiphany: I envisioned a future version of myself, blood pressure skyrocketing, dropping dead from a heart attack because I was so annoyed by some stupid article by some hack reporter trying to meet a deadline. It wasn't a pretty sight. I realized also that I'm wasting my life with this nonsense. I'll always love sports, and I consider an evening at the ballyard to be time well spent. But poorly written, illogical nonsense isn't worth my time, because life is short and Book 3 of the Baroque Cycle isn't going to read itself.

So in that spirit, I'm going to spend the next few days, weeks, months, and beyond trying to keep to the following pledges:

• I'm not reading Frank Fitzpatrick anymore, because he's a nasty, cantankerous old bastard.
• I'm not reading Bill Simmons anymore, because he's an arrogant hypocrite (and not an especially good or interesting writer either, might I add).
• There's a message board out there dedicated to discussing Simmons' work, and I've checked it out a few times because it can be pretty funny (they pretty much hate him too at this point). But I'm not going to read it anymore, because everyone on there is a misogynist and a homophobe, and I'm getting a little tired of it.
• I'm not reading Gregg Easterbrook anymore, because he's a crazy, pompous blowhard. (I've been avoiding him for a little while now anyway, and I must say, I feel like a million bucks.)
• I've been pretty good about not reading Phillies message boards for the past year, and I want to keep that up, because everyone on there is entirely too negative; those places are just no fun at all.
• I'm most certainly never going to read the comments pages on ESPN.com again. I don't know why I continually make this mistake. The comments pages on ESPN.com are the absolute bottoming out of our culture. Seriously, if you thought nothing could be more troglodyte-level stupid than a YouTube comment, think again. Who the hell are these people? How do they even operate their computers? I mean, grammar? Punctuation? Are these such foreign concepts?
• I'm not going to read sports blogs anymore, if I can help it, because let's face it: blogs are stupid.

Anyway, I'm just sick to death of all of this stuff and it's time for me to take control of my life. My time is precious, I've got other stuff to do, and I'm not going to give myself coronaries anymore worrying about the crazy opinions of people who don't even know me. It's a new, exciting era!

Tomorrow my dad and I are going to the final Phils/Sox game. The sun will be shining, the Phils are in first place, and I'm not going to let negativity and insecurity ruin my good time. It should be fun, and I feel good about it.

Phils 20, Cards 2 (guh-WHA?!)

Apparently this is the first time since 1900 that the Phils have scored 20 twice in a season.

1900!

That's literally the year "The Wizard of Oz" was published.

I only saw part of the game myself - in fact, I really only saw the crazy 9 run inning - because Sharon and I went to check out The Ugly American at Front & Federal which is a fine place and then we walked back to her place and had a pint at Ray's on the way.

See? They're back to scoring giant barrels full of runs. It's Dolphin Stadium, I tell you. Bad vibes in that place, man, bad vibes. I'm just going to keep harping on it until even I get sick of talking about it.

Melodrama's so much fun, black and white for everyone... to seeeeeeee...... TO SEE.

All right, maybe Dolphin Stadium isn't necessarily "evil". Maybe the Phils are just in a kind of slump and can't score runs at the moment. Seems reasonable. I don't know if today's three runs (every one of which they had to scrape and claw for) are exactly going to snap them out of it, but it's a start. Plus the Braves and Mets lost today, so crisis averted for now.

Speaking of the Mets, I saw their score (a 5-4 loss to the D-Backs) flash on the TV and I actually laughed. I've never literally laughed at a score before. And I don't mean I did a sarcastic mean fake laugh like "Ha ha, stupid Mets", I mean I had checked that score earlier in the day and the Mets were winning 4-2 and I figured they'd hold on, and now I don't know why I thought that. The sight of yet another Mets bullpen collapse made me laugh. I hate to just blow them off because it's a long season and I'm sure they'll be a pain in my ass again at some point this year, but really, it's getting ugly over there. Ha ha, stupid Mets.

As I write this the Celtics are losing by 19 points. Now, there's been a lot of talk lately about the NBA's possible shadiness and whether their games are on the up and up, so to speak. Maybe, yeah, maybe it's in the best interest of the league for this series to go 6 or 7... but on the other hand, barring a meteor hitting the Staples Center right now, which would be the ideal scenario, the second best scenario would be Boston collapsing and losing the series in humiliating fashion. So I'm in favor of a tied series right now... no questions asked. Yes, I know the Lakers are evil and they beat us in 2001 and their star player is a rapist, but on the other hand, have I mentioned that I hate Boston? Also, I love Kareem Abdul-Jabaar because he was in Airplane!

I recently acquired a 1 GB USB thumb drive so I can carry my brilliant writing to and from work and work on it during my lunch break. Just now (about ten minutes ago) I got home from the gym and discovered that I couldn't find the thing in my gym bag. I dumped the bag out on my living room floor and everything, panicking and sweating even more than I already was. I fondled all of my gym clothes in lascivious ways, hoping that it might have been folded up in there, but it wasn't. It wasn't anywhere. I hadn't seen it anywhere when I was packing up my stuff in the locker room and I started to ponder calling the gym to see if it was on the floor or something. It was a pretty horrible 60 seconds; a truly low point in my life.

Then I found it in the back pocket of the shorts I was wearing at that moment. I was so happy I almost cried, and that's not some kind of absurd exaggeration for comic effect. Okay, it is. But really, I'm so relieved I can't even put it into words, that rollercoaster I was just on.

If you need me I'll be in the shower.

Just as a follow up to last night's tirade, the Inquirer this morning confirms that Werth's bunt was Werth's idea alone, and that Charlie wanted him swinging there. And of course he did, because bunting there is stupid.

Listen, these Phils are still very good and it's too early to panic over a two game losing streak. But really, they just all need to get on the same page about this stuff, especially in the late innings against division rivals. BOO!

GAAAAARRGGGGHH!!!!!!!

(or: Marlins 6, Phils 2)

Good news, dear reader(s)! That profanity-laced tirade you ordered just arrived from the factory! Shall I install it for you?

I've written before in this space about how Dolphin Stadium is an evil place. Something terrible and stupid always seems to happen to the Phillies there. Their 2003 season was ruined there, Brett Myers got injured there last year, and now tonight they lost a game they deserved to lose because they played like assholes.

I have a two part question. First, why the motherfucking motherfuck did Jayson Werth bunt with two outs and the bases loaded - on the first pitch, no less - with the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, when the pitcher had been throwing wild garbage the entire inning?

Before you answer that, here's the follow up question: Why the motherfucking motherfuck did Jayson Werth bunt with two outs and the bases loaded - on the first pitch, no less - with the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, when the pitcher had been throwing wild garbage the entire inning?

And then Tom Gordon comes in and pitches like a dick and wastes my time and gives up a walk-off grand slam to Mr. Popeye Arms.

Shame on me for thinking what I thought the other day, which is that these Phillies are special and have a "spark" about them and that this season is going to be different. Well, it turns out this season is going to be exactly like every other season: they're going to beat everybody except the goddamn Marlins.

I hate the Marlins, I hate Dolphin Stadium, I hate Dan Uggla, I hate Jorge Cantu, I hate Hanley Ramirez, I hate the Marlins, I hate the Marlins. AAAAAAAAARRGRGRRHRHRGRHRHHH!!!!! I hope their stadium deal falls through and they decide to move but no city wants them and they fold. I actually, literally hope that. I hate the Marlins. I am so... GRRRRRR I'm going to go do something else now.

Dehydration

Yesterday afternoon I biked up to Sharon's place in the appalling heat (dumb thing to do), and then we went out to dinner and then walked over to the TLA to see the Breeders. Near the end of the show I started to feel incredibly weak, my legs and feet were in horrible achy pain, and as we left the show and started up South Street I found I could barely move and wanted to just fall over and sleep for many days. It was pointed out to me that I hadn't had anything to drink in a while and that it was really hot out and I was almost certainly dehydrated. I don't think that's ever really happened to me before and I can only say that it's really not good and whoever you are and wherever you're reading this, go drink a glass of water. That's going to be my cause from now on.

Sharon is a saint and an angel (yes, both) for putting up with my weak, grotesque, aching, sweat-addled body taking up precious room in her house last night. I felt like garbage, slept pretty horribly, and probably acted like a babbling idiot and made an ass of myself 10-15 times. For which I will be eternally sorry.

This morning I biked home, showered, got dressed, ate some breakfast, and then finally concluded that I still felt like crap, so I called out sick and went back to bed for five hours. I feel okay now, still kind of weak and I don't feel like moving much. I'm taking advantage of my day off to work on my book and listen to John Coltrane.

The Phils are playing really, and I mean really well - yesterday's game was great, the sweep was spectacular, and if they keep this up this could be a great month - so that's cheering me up a bit. Still, I don't like to be sick and I feel awful about how awful I felt last night, if that makes sense. Also, I hate calling out sick from work, it fills me with intense feelings of unexplainable guilt and lameness, which is why I have like 600 sick days saved up. So here's hoping I improve by tomorrow.

In conclusion: go drink a glass of water!

I couldn't be more thrilled, delighted even by last night's unlikely comeback win that I didn't see. Sounds like a great game, and a moment we might look back on as a classic one if... well, I'm getting ahead of myself. It's June, I'm going to just relax.

But let me backtrack a day and talk a bit about Thursday's game.

I'm totally in love with Charlie Manuel right now for his bold move of benching Jimmy for lollygaggin' his way to first. I've often (too often for me to really comfortably admit) dreamt about being a manager and doing the same to my own lazy, dumb players. Now, Jimmy is neither lazy or dumb; he's a great player on a great team and until that moment hadn't been anything but great all season. (Well, he's in a slump, but slumps happen.) But I love how Charlie doesn't care: you don't run out a pop fly, you get benched. That's just sweet. (Myself, I would also do it when a guy swings at the first pitch right after the last guy walked on four pitches. God, I hate that. It drives me nuts. In recent weeks I've seen Coste and Feliz do it, and probably others. STOP!)

In addition to the usual goals of winning the division, the NL, and the World Series, and seeing the Red Sox get humiliated in some epic way, another thing I'd love to see this year is the Phils have a great season from start to finish. I'm still haunted by how they they got off to great starts in 1995 and 2001 and then had terrible second halves - and of course, we know what happened to the Mets last year. I don't want the Phils to be like 17 games over .500 with a 7 game lead at the all star break and then start sucking in August. That's why I love Charlie's move, because it (I hope) will keep the team focused. I love the idea of the Phils becoming a cold, efficient machine that just pounds other teams and never slacks - not when they're up by 10, not when they're down by 10, not when it's a BPS in June against the Reds. I want them to stay this good, preferably forever. (Of course, I like the idea of them having fun too, because they're a fun team.) It's staying focused that helped Bruntlett score last night on that fielding gaffe - if he'd been jogging complacently to home like a loser, he'd have been tagged out and they would have lost, and suddenly I'd be worried, because I worry about things.

It's way too early and I'm way too Philadelphian to hand the division to our guys just yet. That would be silly. On the other hand, our run differential right now is +69. This team is good, folks. REALLY good.

Lakers/Celtics

Good lord... I'm not actually rooting for the Lakers, am I? I think I am. What have I become?

The thing is, though, Boston has completely beaten me down. I don't even have the energy to hate them. It's a Sisyphean task. Just when you expend the energy to hate one of their teams, another one springs out of nowhere to win another title. Who has the time? So sure, another title for the Celtics, that's fine too. I can't be bothered.