Not really an update at all, really

I've been distracted lately by house buying, other writing projects, my unrelenting hatred of Boston teams, and assorted personal stuff. When everything settles down I'll be back. Until then I order you to enjoy this interview with Miss Tree herself. Marvel at the heretofore unmatched combination of cuteness and brilliance. While you're doing that, I have to go give some guy seven thousand dollars tomorrow.

Schedule Day!!!

Yesterday's Eagles game made me want to commit crimes. Terrible, terrible crimes. I have no further comment and would frankly like to forget it forever. "What loss to the Bears when we were up by four with less than two minutes to go and they were on their own 3?" my future self will say. "That sounds appalling!" It was, future self. It was. How I envy your faulty memory.

So let's turn our attention to better things. Like how the Flyers are 6-1 and look fantastic. Or the hotness of incredibly hot girls. Or best of all, the 2008 Phillies! Whenever the new schedule comes out the first thing I look for is potential road trips, so here are some possibilities:

Cincy, the first weekend in April.
Yet another Pittsburgh trip, end of April.
TEXAS! End of June. (Definitely think I might hop on a plane for this one. When will they go to Texas again? 2014 or something probably.)
Final trip to Shea Stadium, beginning of September.
And of course, various weekend series in places like St. Louis, Chicago, and Houston. I always want to go, and I never do, because it's expensive and time-consuming. Having said that, road trips are great. I wish I could follow the team around like they're a band, that would be the life.

Meanwhile, the Blue Jays, Angels, and Red Sox visit us this year. Very excited to see the Angels, my adopted AL team. But I dread the impending infestation by Boston vermin. I urge all Phillies fans to get tickets to those games ASAP to ward off the invasion! Keep them out! RED SOX GO HOME!!!

Double Feature! (Or, two short things I feel like writing at 1:30 AM while I listen to In Rainbows and simultaneously watch the end of Rockies/D-Backs Game 2, which is still on as I write this, because the start times in these playoffs have been wildly ridiculous and disgraceful and unfair and clearly intended to favor the Yankees and Red Sox, god how I hate them both, but anyway.)

1. Charlie '08
I think that many sports fans secretly long for something terrible to happen to their team, because it gives them something to complain about for the rest of their lives - a badge of honor they can wear as a sign that they truly love their team, even in the bad times. That's why, for example, Red Sox fans to this day complain about one bad move that Grady Little made in the 2003 ALCS, even though their team is a perennial contender, and most baseball observers agree that a manager doesn't have nearly as much of an effect on a team as people think, and anyway they went on to win the World Series a year later, and might very well win it this year, so they all need to calm down. Similarly, people here were very quick to jump all over Charlie Manuel for pulling Kendrick in Game 2, because, in my opinion, everyone subconsciously recognized it as the kind of thing that would enter Phillies lore, like we’d be talking about it decades from now like how we talk about Chico Ruiz or the 1977 NLCS or Joe Carter to this day. But really, was it even that bad? Kendrick, as I remember it (and I was there), was allowing way too many baserunners, and I think he was going to get burned eventually anyway. I don’t think Lohse was such a terrible idea. The problem was, the Rockies were, and are, probably the hottest, most momentum-y team I have literally ever seen, and everything they do works out and every player is simultaneously peaking like crazy, so of course light-hitting Kaz Matsui hits a grand slam there with two outs. It sucks and I’m not happy about it, but it just wasn’t the Phils’ week. The Rockies were just better. Charlie’s not the reason why they lost the series – the Phils lost Games 1 and 3 as well, two completely winnable games wherein the pitching was pretty good, but the Phils could only score three runs over the entire two games - all three of them solo homers. That’s pretty bad, but there it is. So don’t blame Charlie for the sweep, blame Aaron Rowand for grounding out weakly to second, which he did like 45 times.

Anyway, this is all my roundabout way of saying I approve of two more years of Charlie. He’s good for these players. Give him a better pitching staff and this team will go places in ’08. I’d stake my reputation as a professional, widely-renowned bloggist on it!

2. And now, another episode of “Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said”
An insufferable, endlessly long, self-congratulatory article from Bill Simmons today, about how the Red Sox and Patriots are currently favorites to win championships, and the Celtics are suddenly really good and might win 60 games this year. Actually, in fairness, there’s some interesting points in the article, and it’s reasonably well-written, but still. I find the Red Sox and Patriots totally irritating and I am no fan of either, but ultimately I can put up with them winning titles – I’m not happy about it, but they’re undeniably great teams. But really, the last thing I need is for the Celtics to become a powerhouse. Good lord, that would be horrible. Call it sour grapes if you must. But really, think about it: the Eagles are 1-3, the Sixers are wretched, the Flyers are potentially good but have already had two players suspended this year for unbelievably brutal, violent goonery, and the Phils scratched and clawed their way to their first playoff spot in 14 years only to forget how to play baseball once they got there. Meanwhile, this guy’s three favorite teams might all win titles in the next year. What in the world did I do that was so horrible that I deserve such a fate? When is our time? Did Boston make some kind of deal with Satan? And can we get in on that deal?

(Somewhat related thing, but not really, but I feel like mentioning it: You could just walk up to the stadium and buy a ticket for Game 1 of the NLCS in Arizona. That’s just totally horrible. I mean, come on, Phoenix, you have that giant stadium for exactly these games. How can you not sell out? It’s the NLCS!!! The NLCS isn’t good enough for you? How can you be that jaded? [bored voice] “Oh, the NLCS? Wake me when they make the World Series.” For crying out loud. There were people camping out overnight to get standing room only tickets for the last Phillies game. And the playoff games sold out instantly too. I can’t even imagine what people would do for NLCS tickets in Philly. I think I’d dive through plate glass for that. You disappoint me, Arizona.)

Bonus thing: More Kristen Schaal links!!!
I’m very tired and delirious and I’m not entirely responsible for my actions right now, and you know what that means: more obsessing over a celebrity I’ll never meet! I feel like the montage earlier this week didn’t do Kristen enough justice, so here’s a great Mel moment (featuring my favorite line: “Oh, I thought you said they did!”) and here’s another and here's another. OMG CUTENESS! Why doesn’t she have, like, her own show on Comedy Central, and comedy albums and live DVDs? What kind of culture do we have here, where there isn’t a constant Kristen Schaal presence in every possible form of media at all times? Am I being unreasonable?

Meanwhile, here’s an interview from HBO, in which she’s so unbelievably cute you have to avert your eyes like at the end of Raiders, or her cuteness will destroy you like it destroyed me. You’ve been warned. Plus, in addition to the nonstop mesmerizing loveliness, she also comes off as kind of deranged. It’s great.

Oh, I’ve found plenty more, and I won’t stop posting them until I’m done. You literally can’t stop me. Stay tuned!

[UPDATE, 2:23 AM: Rockies/D-Backs now in the 11th inning, and the stadium in Arizona is pretty much sold out with very few empty seats. So I take back what I said. I’m kind of a jerk.]

[UPDATE, 2:45 AM: The Rockies won again. They lead ARI 2-games-nil. I’m starting to feel kind of stupid that I ever thought we could beat them. Man, that is a scary, scary team.]

You win, universe

Yeah, so, the Phils hit like .008 against the Rockies and, oh, this just in: Jose Mesa is old and terrible. Nice work. What a tease. Still, they won the division, just like I've always wanted them to, and the Mets didn't. I'll always remember the final weeks of the season and how great the guys played. And then I'll pretend that that was it, that the entire point of baseball is to win the NL East, and that anything after that are just meaningless exhibition contests. I think I can keep up that ridiculous lie for the rest of my life, sure.

And now, How I Will Spend My Phillies-Free October (TM):

1. Hangin' with Sharon
2. Darjeeling Limited!!!
3. New Radiohead tomorrow!!!
4. More house buying business to take care of
5. More editing, writing, etc. Can't think about that right now, it's killing me.
6. The Wire Season 2 w/ Matt
7. Spoon, 10/19
8. Eagles? Flyers? Probably. Can't think about sports right now.
9. Really should be reading more books
10. I'm sure I'll think of a 10th thing eventually.

Kristen Schaal link of the week: This is a montage of all the best Mel moments, highlighting Kristen's unstoppable cuteness and greatness. Sadly, you can't actually hear any of the dialogue, so if you don't like the Divinyls you can turn down the sound and listen to whatever you want (I had on Octopus by Gentle Giant). Did I mention cuteness? [swoon]

KEEP ON FIGHTIN'

It's 2:41 AM, time for some of my trademark melodrama, in the grand tradition of my Super Bowl essay and my semifamous Abreu rant. I'll keep it short.

See, the Phils have played like garbage this week and nobody in the world believes they're going to win three in a row and advance to the NLCS. And maybe they're right. The guys certainly haven't looked very good at all.

But I haven't given up on them. Why should I? I followed these guys back in 2000: the single most depressing, pointless, awful excuse for a season I ever hope to see. I followed them through the painful near-misses in '01, '03, '05, and '06. Saw every bit of it. (Well, not every bit. I've got other stuff to do sometimes, as hard as that may be to believe.) I've followed them nonstop the last 14 years, since Joe Carter hit that homerun, right up until Ryan's game-ending strikeout on Thursday. And I'm not going to stop now.

Here's why:

I love the Sixers. I go to a bunch of games a year and watch a bunch more on Comcast. Andrew and I debate the Sixers' endless crappiness all the time. The 2001 playoffs ranks as one of my favorite sports moments ever. They're my guys. I love the Sixers.

But the Phillies... the Phillies are my team.

I love the Flyers. Back in the late 90's hockey was my second favorite sport and I think maybe it still is. I still remember the 1997 Finals - especially going to visit the Cup when it was on display at 30th Street Station. It still haunts me that they couldn't advance past the 2000 and 2004 conference finals. The Flyers, they're my guys, and I love them.

But the Phillies... the Phillies are my team.

Man, do I love the Eagles. I hate missing Eagles games. I don't think I've missed a playoff game in 12+ years. I was a nervous wreck during that Super Bowl and I long for the day we'll see the Eagles in another one. You gotta love the Eagles, man, those are my guys.

But the Phillies... the Phillies are my team.

They're in the playoffs and that's pretty damn great. I'm watching every pitch tonight, and, I daresay... yeah. They're gonna do it.

GO PHILS!

Wow, dude, I really wish the Phils had won that game.

Not to mention the other one.

I hate the fact that this nonsense makes me so sad. It's a disease.

142 Durfor St.

The Phillies are 0-1 on days when I buy a house.

That's right, I got the house.

In future, I will buy houses during the offseason. Lesson learned!

2005: The Yankees beat the Angels, in Anaheim, in Game 1 of their Division Series. The Angels went on to win that series. That's just one example, I'm sure there are others.

We'll get 'em tomorrow.

From the day that I was born, I've waved the flag

Okay, Phillies, big day today! Did you all get a good night's sleep? Have a nice healthy breakfast? Ryan, tuck your shirt in. Jayson, you have some schmutz on your face... no, this side... up a bit... there, you got it.

I was going to write some long melodramatic essay like I'm known for, but... eh, I'll save it. Plenty of time for that.

I'll just say this: the Rockies are playing great and they're a tough team. The way they got into the playoffs is impressive.

But so is the way we got in.

If the Phils keep up what they've been doing... well, you know what I think.

It's been an amazing couple of weeks for me, for Phillies and non-Phillies reasons alike. I'll keep up my end of it, and I think the Phils will keep up theirs.

Okay, places everyone! This is the big one! (Wheels, for the love of god, put some pants on!)

Here we go!

The hangover!

I don't have a hangover actually. I pounded two lagers right after the game, because I needed a beer that badly, but that was it. I didn't even drink during the Eagles, though I probably should have.

[Headline in the Eagles Extra this morning: "Eagles play like the Mets". I've never laughed out loud at a headline before. Tip of the cap to the Inquirer, that was clutch.]

This photograph has replaced the picture of Kristen Schaal that I used to have as my desktop wallpaper. That's a big deal, because man oh man do I love Kristen Schaal.

But enough of that. Andrew asked me when I knew they were going to win. I can't really even remember. Maybe it was Jimmy's triple, Ryan's homerun, or the double play induced by Flash. Maybe it was Brett's final pitch. All great moments.

But I think it was before that, when the Marlins took a 7-0 lead in the first. I mean... Tom Glavine, Hall of Famer Tom Glavine, in the final game of the season, maybe the final game of his career, in an absolute must-win game, at home, in front of thousands of incredibly pissed-off fans, against a last place team... Tom Glavine pitching that badly, that suddenly. That was amazing. I think I knew then. I think I knew that the Mets were cooked, that they'd never bounce back from that. I think I knew the Phils knew had bad they were on Saturday, and they knew they couldn't do it again. They've spent the past month taking care of their business, you know? They knew. So I think I knew all along. And I didn't even know it!

It hasn't really even sunk in yet. All day ESPN dissected the Mets' collapse, giving that more ink than the Phils. (Either ESPN is New York-centric, or they're more interested in failure than success, or some unpleasant combination of both maybe.) So only now have I started to realize how amazin' that is, the Mets completely flaming out like that. How historic it is. How it absolutely needed to happen. If it hadn't, the Phils could have won all they wanted, it wouldn't have helped. What a season!

So maybe I knew, really knew the Phils would do it a month ago, when they swept the Mets in four at home. And then swept them again in Queens. They needed to do it, so they did it. Just like that. The Phils never used to do stuff like that. They used to be the ones collapsing and dying, making mistakes and excuses, staring off into space, while their rivals wouldn't stop winning. The Marlins taking our wild card in 2003, the Astros doing the same in 2005, the Dodgers in 2006. That's what used to happen.

But forget the Mets. They're old news. Their failure is their problem now, not mine. We've got some more games to win - eleven of them.

Tonight's the Rocks/Friars tiebreaker, a "tasty" "appetizer" before the "main dish" of "delicious" playoff baseball, which will be... a... a baseball-flavored... food... bed of lettuce... never mind.