Simply the best.

I saw They Might Be Giants at the TLA last night. Whatever I might have written in the past in this space about Sleater-Kinney or Rush or the Bobby Abreu Five, just know that TMBG trumps them all. Trumps! I would go see them again tonight if they were in town. I'd watch them perform their entire catalog at a 13+ hour show. I'd buy a new album from them tomorrow if I could. If they were selling their new album on vinyl only, available in exactly one record store in Vermont, I'd drive up there and wait in line. I'd do it today.

Last year, I think it was, I was at a Phillies game and between innings, for whatever reason, they played TMBG's song "Pleather" (written for a Dunkin' Donuts commercial). It's hardly the Johns' best work, but it was still thrilling beyond description to hear TMBG at a Phillies game. If they had been playing MST3K on the Jumbotron and handing out free Dr. Pepper, it would have been literally the greatest moment of my life. I wish that on all of you: to have two of your favorite things combined, completely at random, for one brief shining moment of serendipitous bliss.

Changing gears just slightly: in about 90 minutes the Eagles play the Patriots. I have a fairly good idea what's going to happen, but I'm not going to think about it. Instead, let me just say "Go Eagles" and leave it at that. Whatever happens, happens. Let's just get it over with and move on with our lives.

Go Eagles!

Dumb Things Bill Simmons Said: The Return!

All right. Who's ready for some classic, old school Phillies Diary sports ranting? I've got one all bottled up in me and it's all ready to go, so let's go.

This is in response to a Bill Simmons column from last Friday. It's not very timely, but cut me a break, I moved into a new house this weekend. What do you want? You're lucky I even got out of bed this week.

Before I do that, allow me to quickly mention a Simmons column from before that (about two weeks ago). I won't get into it. Long story short: Simmons, whose favorite baseball team just won the World Series, and whose favorite basketball team was at that point undefeated, saw fit to write a 50,000 word column complaining about the officiating in a game that his favorite football team won - on the road, no less, against their most bitter rival, to go 9-0. It was most assuredly the most arrogant, classless, hate-filled, unreadable pile of whining nonsense I've ever seen, and it made me seriously wonder why I spend my days copyediting medical texts that I don't understand when evidently it's much, much easier to be a professional writer than I had always thought. It was just horrible. I mean, seriously, jackass, the Pats won the game. They're the best team ever, okay? What do you want from me? There's no NFL conspiracy to make them lose, you paranoid maniac. OH GOD! I can't even think about it anymore so let's just move on.

So, a week later Simmons writes this, which at first glance is just more dull, lazy Patriots ass-kissing, but looking over it again I noticed this:

By the way, I'm furious about all these Colts injuries that probably killed their season. The football fan in me is furious because this particular Colts team was built for cold weather/January football, which would have made the AFC Championship Game a helluva lot more interesting than the Steelers getting blown out in Foxborough (which is where we're headed). The Patriots fan in me is furious because a 19-0 season wouldn't feel quite the same if they didn't beat the Colts twice.

You know what it's like, actually? When the '86 Celtics were slapping together the greatest NBA season ever, they avenged the '85 Finals in two regular-season wins over the Lakers, rolled through the East in the playoffs and were poised to destroy Showtime as we knew it. So what happened? The Lakers never showed up! They got smoked in the West finals by an underrated Houston team. To this day, every Celtics fan feels cheated by the fact we didn't get the Lakers.

Okay. I just went and took a few deep breaths, looked over my tape of the Phils' division title-clinching game, and I feel a little calmer. So let's attempt to parse this lunacy, shall we?

If this is indicative of all Boston fans, then they are the most spoiled rotten collection of assholes in the universe. Simmons makes two wildly ridiculous claims here, which, as a lover of truth and non-stupidity, I refuse to let pass without comment.

Ridiculous Claim #1: He seems to be suggesting that a 19-0 Pats season wouldn't mean as much if they don't beat the Colts again in the playoffs. Simmons, you are on drugs. Nobody has ever gone 19-0 before! It's completely unprecedented! That wouldn't impress you? You wouldn't spend the rest of your life marveling that your favorite team had such an unbelievable, unforgettable, epic, historic season? You really hate the Colts that much? This guy is so hatefully jealous of Peyton Manning, it's just sickening. Look, man, Peyton is rich, talented, popular, and the starting quarterback of an NFL team, and you're not. It's just something you're going to have to deal with. Stop fantasizing about Tom Brady beating and humiliating him and just try to enjoy your team's success for once.

Ridiculous Claim #2: For many years now Simmons has been pimping the '86 Celtics as the best team ever. That's fine, because he's a Celtics fan (lord knows I consider the '80 Phillies to be the greatest sports team ever assembled), and he knows more about basketball than I do so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But now, suddenly, he says it wasn't quite as good because they beat the Rockets in the Finals, not the Lakers. Dear lord, that's obnoxious. I would like to poll all Celtics fans and ask them if they give a rat's ass who the opponent was that year, because I really believe that Simmons is alone on this one. Again: spoiled rotten. "Cheated"? "Cheated"? What goddamn right do you have to even think that? Where do you get off? I guess I'm annoyed about this because I'm a Philly fan, and we treasure all moments of even mild success, for fear that they may never come again. Like, if one of my teams won a title, I wouldn't complain in the slightest about who they beat to win it. The Phillies could beat the Red Sox in seven, they could beat the Devil Rays in an incredibly boring sweep. They could beat an American Legion team that was in the MLB playoffs due to a computer error. I honestly wouldn't care.

All of this makes me think that if the Patriots lose this season, it should be declared a national holiday and we should get off work the next day, and take to the streets and get wasted and celebrate the ruining of their perfect season, because the very last thing we need is another thing for scumbag Boston fans to be happy and arrogant about. I literally cannot wait until that team loses. I'd get a tape of that game and hold onto it forever and watch it whenever life is getting me down. How glorious, how beautiful an image that is!

It also makes me think that maybe I should just stop reading the guy.

KSLOTW: Kristen's MySpace features a bunch of videos including the "Penelope" series, the infamous "Horse" song, and "Angry Erotic Sheep". Hours and hours of grainy, choppy cuteness.

Film & Music

Please check out a short documentary film about my brother. It's beautifully made and filled with Jon's trademark erudition, plus rockin' tunes! I can't say as I can get behind his anti-Philly stance, but that's our Jon!

I can't wait until this moving business is all over and I can sit in my office (I'm finally going to have an office in my home, my life-long ambition) and get some writing done for once. As opposed to this rambling and not-writing and celebrity stalking I've been doing lately. It's all distractions, and they need to go.

I have a new thing up on Hot Sauce (the first Nov. 11 post). I'm not entirely happy with it, but then I'm always my own worst critic, so I'll just shut up. Enjoy. I'll be back here soon.

Nothing at all to do with Kristen Schaal, I promise*

I've just had a piece published on a new sports humor blog, Philly Sports & Hot Sauce. Check it out! I will hopefully be writing two things a week for them, if all goes according to plan, and I don't get too distracted by that building I now own. And don't worry, Jeremy's Phillies Diary will remain up and running, providing the in-depth analysis, insightful commentary, and biting wit you've naturally come to expect, and indeed deserve. This is just for fun. Spread the word!

Special thanks to Zoe for hooking me up with the guy who runs it. Rock on, Zoe.

*But if anyone wants to chat about her sometime, email me. Any time. Day or night.