New piece up on Hot Sauce today. Check it out!

From the Exciting Only To Me Department: I went 15-1 in my football picks this week. That's probably my best week ever. Andrew also got 15 and Daniel got 14, so I guess maybe it was just an easy week. But I'm pretty pleased with myself. I hope the Patriots only go 15-1. And by that I mean I hope they go 13-3. And by that I mean I hope I fall into an alternate universe where the Eagles beat them, and they go 12-4. I could live with that.

It doesn't beat 2001, when I won my office March Madness pool. I got 14 of the Sweet Sixteen right, 6 of the Elite Eight, all of the Final Four, both of the Final Two... and then got the winner wrong! But by then I had obliterated everyone else and won the whole thing anyway. It was probably my all-time greatest accomplishment.

KSLOTW: So, I found out too late that Kristen was on "How I Met Your Mother" this week, but I watched it at cbs.com and you should do the same. Meanwhile, this this and this constitute Kristen's recent appearance on a British comedy game show. It's probably the most British thing I've ever seen - you apparently need to be really, really British to have any idea what's going on - but she's crazy hot in this so it's worth it. The long-haired freak next to her is from The Mighty Boosh. Hey you, get your damn hands off her!

My Hanukkah gifts to you

First of all, please check out my good friend Shepard's new endeavor, Thrift Store Music. Really impressive and lots of fun. I hope to eventually help out with this in some capacity.

Second of all, one of my favorite bands has a new song, and I'm just in love with it. This is already my favorite album of 2008.

And finally, if you love the Phillies, and I know you do, you need to click on this.

Exciting thrillingness!

Happy Hanukkah! I have a new piece up on Hot Sauce. (Follow the link to your right, I'm far too lazy to put one here.) To answer your first question, yes, I wrote it before Billy King was fired. The references to said firing were added by The Sauce after I sent it to him. Given more time, I would have written something entirely different, but there you go.

Hot on the heels of the Mets' mysterious Milledge trade, there are now reports that the Marlins are trading their two best players to Detroit. Exciting thrillingness! I'm not so fond of Milledge staying in the division, but he and the Nats shouldn't do too much damage this year, and more importantly the Mets are weakened and, apparently, run by a madman who makes dumb trades. This is great news. Meanwhile, the Marlins are now completely rebuilding and, just to make it extra great, I happen to like the Tigers, and can now finally root for those guys. Go Tigers! The division is wide open for the Phils in 2008. Unless the Braves do something. Of course, the Mets and Braves are still good, and the Marlins and Nats will be a pain in my ass as always, but things are looking quite good right now. Just get us a pitcher and a third baseman, Pat. We're nearly there!

(Of course, it occurs to me that the six guys the Marlins are getting will probably help them win a World Series in 2010, because that's what the Marlins do, but I'm not going to worry about it just yet.)

Speaking of Hot Sauce, I'd like to present a thing I submitted two weeks ago that was never posted, due to various reasons. Obviously, it's absurdly out of date, but I'd like to preserve it here on the Intered-Webs anyway.

What if…?
By Jeremy Rosenberg

Bear with me here for a second. What if the Eagles beat the Patriots this week?

The 2007 Patriots are a team for the ages. They’re currently 10-0 and have a decent chance of becoming the first 19-0 team in NFL history, and even if they don’t pull off that feat, seem like a lock to win their fourth Super Bowl in seven years. They’re really, really good.

The 2007 Eagles, by striking contrast, aren’t. They’re 5-5. They’ve muddled along through injuries, quarterback controversies, questionable coaching decisions, an endlessly revolving cast of mostly unimpressive role players, muffed punts, a porous defense, and general stupidity. In short, they’re a fairly typical team here in the 21st century NFL: mediocre, uninspiring, and completely forgettable to all but their most diehard fans.

So whatever else I end up typing here, just know that on Sunday night the Patriots will almost certainly beat the Eagles – beat them badly and decisively. They will make it look so easy you will start to think that you could have done it yourself, like beating the Eagles is something we all learn how to do in kindergarten, and you had just forgotten. It’s going to be really ugly and depressing. If you’re an Eagles fan, your time Sunday night would be better spent reading a book, or perhaps having a conversation with your loved ones.

But what if . . . what if it doesn’t happen that way?

Work with me here, dear reader.

Leading up to Sunday, you will hear lots of experts telling you that the Patriots are a mortal lock. But remember that sports are not gospel and the outcomes of games are not written in stone. At the end of the day, sports are just completely meaningless contests in which the otherwise unapplicable skills of people you don’t know are tested in arbitrary ways. The Eagles/Patriots game has not yet occurred, and is not yet a foregone conclusion. We are free to believe whatever we want.

So let’s believe, just for a moment, in a theoretical future in which the Eagles don’t get mercilessly pounded by the Patriots. Maybe the Eagles make a game of it and keep it close. The Patriots don’t run up the score, the Eagles find a way to score a few times, and the Patriots only win by like 24-17. I’d be proud of the Eagles for that one – they lose, but they don’t let the Patriots rape and humiliate them (like Joe Gibbs allowed the Patriots to do to his Redskins). Nice work, theoretical future Eagles!

Or maybe, just maybe, the Eagles pull one out. Donovan shakes off his various injuries and silences the critics who have been demanding to see Feeley or Kolb. Westbrook has the game of his life. The defense gets its act together. The Eagles capitalize on a few Tom Brady mistakes, pull in an interception or two, get a little lucky with the officiating (unlikely in Foxboro, but I’m writing this column, not you), and they head home with their own nailbiter win.

That would be a victory not just for the Eagles and their fans, but for non-Patriots fans and, indeed, all decent people everywhere who love goodness and joy, and shun evil and hatred – because from now until they find a way to lose, the Patriots’ opponent of the week becomes America’s Team. The allegations of cheating, the nonstop winning, their completely loathsome coach, their supermodel-impregnating quarterback, and their cartoonishly arrogant fans have turned the Patriots into villains. The fact that they’re Boston’s team isn’t making them too popular either. Did you know that before the Celtics’ loss on Sunday night, the Celtics, Red Sox, and Patriots had collectively not lost a single game since April 2005? It’s an amazing statistic, one made even more amazing by the fact that I just made it up. 56-10 wins and World Series sweeps have become as numerous in Boston as empty seats at Sixers games. Everyone outside of Boston is rooting for something to shut those fans up, and nothing would do the trick better than ruining the Patriots’ perfect season. It probably won’t do much to derail the Patriots’ inevitable Super Bowl win – we’re all still looking down the barrel of a Patriots/Cowboys Super Bowl, probably the most detestable Super Bowl matchup imaginable – but it would be a story we can tell each other forever. The Eagles beat the Patriots! The Eagles wouldn’t just be your average 6-5 football team desperately clawing for the playoffs, they’d be national heroes!

It’s a beautiful image, one we should all keep in our hearts during this holiday weekend of family and togetherness. This is America and we’re free to believe whatever we want, no matter how laughably unlikely. So remember, Eagles fans, don’t listen to the experts, don’t listen to the media, and for the love of god, for your own sanity, don’t listen to Bill Simmons. Go ahead and believe that the Eagles will win. It’s easy. After the Patriots win 63-3, just pretend you never thought it at all; it’ll be our little secret. If you pass a Patriots fan on the street next week, just smile tightly, nod, keep moving, and remember to root hard for the Colts in the AFC Championship game; they’re probably our only hope.

By way of explanation

Thanks to Comcast, my internet access has been sporadic this week, and thanks to my shamefully terrible work ethic, my writing of updates has been equally sporadic. I should hopefully have a new thing on Hot Sauce this week, right after I, you know, write it. (Note to self: do that.)

Back soon with some general thoughts, maybe some Phillies stuff, and more Kristen-y things. I got what you want, people, you know you love it.

GO EAGLES!!!