Dumb Things a Bill Simmons Fan Said

Q: I went to the Pats game at Giants Stadium last night. While the game itself was awesome, my favorite moment was before the game. Walking around the parking lot before the game we came across about 15 people sitting around a television in the back of a truck. On the TV was Game 4 of the 2004 American League Championship Series. We arrived right before "The Steal." We all yelled for Dave Roberts to take off, accompanied by a bunch of "we have no chance ... Rivera never blows a save ..." Everyone erupted when Roberts slid in safe, and a bunch of Yankees fans looked on in disgust from the other parking spots. Then, I went in and watched my football team complete a perfect 16-0 season. Life doesn't get much better than this, does it?--Chris, Quincy, Mass.

SG: If we could send e-mails through time, and somebody sent this mailbag question to the 2000 Me, I probably would have passed out.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I hope Boston gets hit by a meteor.

2007 IN REVIEW!

This is late, but I’ve been dealing with some problems with the new house (currently being dealt with), sporadic Internet access, Mumming, etc. But I’m sure 2007 is still fresh in your mind, so let’s just get started.

THE YEAR IN SPORTS

The year in sports begins and ends with the 2007 Phillies. Nothing even comes close. What did you think I would pick, the Sixers signing Calvin Booth? The 2007 Phillies had it all: a typically poor start, hundreds of ridiculous injuries, feisty rookies, cagey veterans, the return of Jose Mesa, the unstoppable greatness of Jimmy Rollins, the distraction of a historic loss, Charlie Manuel threatening to kick Howard Eskin’s ass (thus becoming my hero to my dying day), the literal saving of some groundskeepers’ lives from a monsoon, the utter merciless domination of their most bitter rival, said bitter rival’s epic collapse, a hot streak to end the season, and of course, September 30, the greatest day ever. Phillies haters will point out the team’s awful choke against the Rockies in October, but hey, it happened. Nothing takes away the Phils’ spectacular September; every classic moment, every unbelievable win. (Besides, I’m a veteran and I know how to deal with Phillies haters at this point.)

The 2007 Phillies are the reason I follow sports. They were fun, plain and simple. Without them, I would remember 2007 as the year that sports became a giant conspiracy designed to entertain people who live in or near Boston, and that’s no fun at all. The 2007 Phillies ruled . . . and the best part is, I don’t think it’s over (but I’m not ready to talk about the 2008 Phillies yet, give me two months or so).

If I have to pick some other sports highlights this year, I will do so begrudgingly, because these have been pretty grim times for the other teams. So I will say the Flyers signing Danny Briere (among other excellent moves that will hopefully wash away memories of 2006-07 forever), the Eagles beating the Giants in the playoffs, and the Sixers playing surprisingly well after the Iverson trade, although they’re back to being terrible again, so I have no idea if it even meant anything. If you had told me in 2000 that one day the Phillies would be the best team in town, you would have blown my tiny post-collegiate mind.

MOVIES

As I get older, I find that I’m losing my ability to remember what movies I even saw in a given year. I have no idea why this is. It’s not that I don’t like movies, and I certainly have retained my ability to remember where and when I bought every CD I own. It’s just one of those things. So here’s a hastily assembled list of my favorite films this year:

8. The Golden Compass
7. Spider-Man 3
6. Grindhouse (I refuse to think of them as two separate movies, I don’t care what anyone says. It’ll always be Grindhouse to me.)
5. The Host
4. The Darjeeling Limited
3. Knocked Up
2. Zodiac
1. Hot Fuzz

See? My list makes no sense. I don’t even know. Just go get some movies and watch them. Anyway, there were a bunch of other movies I wanted to see, but I never got around to it. Oh yeah, I also saw “Sicko” and “The Bourne Ultimatum” and I liked them both but I don’t know where they fit. I also saw “Transformers” but it’s terrible, just really terrible.

TV

Well, in terms of shows that premiered in 2007 I obviously have to go with Flight of the Conchords, and no, loyal reader(s), not just because it introduced me to my new favorite actress. Conchords was a genuine obsession for me for a few weeks there; I didn’t even know what to make of it at first, this totally original and interesting and completely strange thing like nothing I’d ever seen before. I love the tone of the show: quiet, deadpan little teleplays, filmed like miniature Wes Anderson montages with singing. It’s a gentle, nonthreatening brand of surrealism: conversations go nowhere, punchlines appear at random, none of the characters appear to have any idea what’s going on or what anyone else is talking about, and the Conchords’ world feels self-contained, a tiny little New York that, hilariously, has no apparent continuity from one episode to the next. I guess what I love most is (despite its hipster street cred) how totally unpretentious and earnest and optimistic it feels; in the hands of a lesser show, a conversation about Fleetwood Mac with the exchange “Rumors?” “No – it’s all true!” would feel painfully corny, but when a bunch of weirdly stiff New Zealanders do it, it just makes me laugh and laugh to no end. I want the writer’s strike to end soon for two reasons: so my brother can get some work, and because I’m just dying to know what another 12 episodes of this thing can possibly look like.

But I will perhaps shock you by telling you it was not my favorite show of the year. Instead, I will go with a show that’s already been around for a few years, aired its fourth season this year in England, and which I got into a big way in 2007 (well, at least until Conchords came along): Peep Show, the funniest, most brilliant and bizarre and quotable sitcom in years. It belongs to that “cringing awkwardness” school of comedy, along with The Office and Extras and Curb Your Enthusiasm, but I will hereby declare that I prefer Peep Show to them all (as great as they are) – I don’t think any comedy has really captured the thought process of unconfident, confused people better. (“Am I going to do this?” Mark and Jez ask themselves right before doing something incredibly stupid and crazy – I can’t do it justice here, you have to hear it. It’s brilliant.) And rather than making the first person perspective a tacky gimmick, the show uses it to its fullest advantage, emphasizing the characters’ every action and making things like hugging and kissing feel like creepy acts that nobody should ever do. It’s so strange and beautiful, just go watch it. The show of the year!

I also got into The Office (US) and The Wire this year, but enough has already been written about them both in a million different places. They’re great. (I also finally saw Spaced this year!) So things are finally looking up for a medium I had given up on for a while there.

MUSIC

10. Tub Ring "The Great Filter": I’m only putting this here so I’ll have 10 albums on the list. Otherwise I’d have to put, I don’t know, that Mary Timony album I haven’t heard or gotten around to buying, and that makes no sense. Fortunately this is actually pretty good.
9. Maxïmo Park “Our Earthly Pleasures”: Kind of surprisingly depressing, but then the first one was too, so I’m not sure why I’m surprised.
8. Arctic Monkeys “Favourite Worst Nightmare”: I can’t really even figure out what I like about these guys. They’re actually kind of faintly irritating, and yet I went out and spent money on this album (on my birthday, no less), so they must be doing something right.
7. Rush “Snakes & Arrows”: And you know why? Because Rush is incredibly great, always have been, always will be. They will always sound exactly like themselves, and that’s what we need in these uncertain times, don’t you think?
6. Of Montreal “Hissing Fauna etc.”: I don’t want to be one of those guys that says “I knew them back in the day”, but I really did see this band back in 1997, opening for They Might Be Giants at the Mercury Lounge. Back then, Kevin Barnes was just this shy indie rock kid with hair in his eyes, playing incredibly earnest and adorable pop songs. I followed him from then on, always hoping he would make it, recognizing that he had the talent to do so – but never in a million years did I expect that I would one day see him on stage at a sold-out Trocadero, wearing fishnet stockings, playing dark, grim dance music to 17-year-old girls. I’m happy for him, even though I’m pretty sure he’s incredibly coked up these days.
5. Love of Diagrams “Mosaic”: My new favorite band, not just for this (quite excellent and addictive) album but for the promise of greater, future things I can hear beneath the surface.
4. Radiohead “In Rainbows”: You already have it. What can I say that you haven’t thought yourself already?
3. They Might Be Giants “The Else”: I’ll freely admit that I’m biased because I love everything they do and probably always will. But this one really is incredibly good – their best in over a decade. Keep it coming, guys.
2. Spoon “Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga”: Overall it doesn’t top my two favorites, Girls Can Tell and Gimme Fiction, but – though I am well aware of the classic songs on both – “Finer Feelings” is now my favorite Spoon song of all time. Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, I kind of wish that song was on.
1. Battles “Mirrored”: The soundtrack of my summer. Some albums just remind you of a certain place and time, and for years to come these amazing songs will remind me of driving up 611 with Shep and Matt, playing lots of tennis and basketball, and swimming in the Gallaghers’ pool. In 2007, I bought a house, I met Sharon, the Phils won their division, and Mirrored came out. What a year, man.