"He did it again! Oh, he did it again!"

So spake Harry Kalas on Thursday night, after Chase Utley hit his second home run of the evening - both homers came on 3-0 counts, with a man on base, and both landed in the exact same spot in section 101 (and may have been caught by the same group of guys). Gorgeous.

I owe you people TWO installments of the Video Show, which I'll get to presently. First, allow me to bring you up to speed on what's been happening lately:

1. Summer stuff! I've been playing a lot of tennis and almost as much basketball. It's been great. I'm still a pasty white, morbidly obese, uncoordinated, out of shape jackass, but my tennis skills are improving and I no longer wheeze like a dying animal on the basketball court. And oh, I love it so much, shooting baskets. I'm terrible - Brian Skinner-level terrible - but I love it. I used to have a net over my garage in Bensalem and we played HORSE and half-assed games of two on two until the wee hours, or at least until DuckTales came on. Then some kids I didn't know took to sneaking onto our driveway when they thought we weren't home and played there without our permission. Eventually they bent the rim beyond repair dunking on it, because it was 1991 and they wanted to be like Mike or some damn thing, and they must have thought it was an NBA-quality backboard with a spring-loaded rim so you could dunk on it, but it wasn't, it was just a regular crappy backboard you can buy at Sears. I hope those kids are in prison now, the rim-bending scumbags.

2. Editing of my book will commence any moment now. I've been looking into agents and all that crap, and I'm excited. But I need to polish the incoherent thing first. Also, I've got tons and tons of cool ideas for book #2, and right now it's a question of finding time to work on it.

3. Gonna buy a house. Don't know where or when or how much. More news to come.

4. Working on a project with Shep re: obscure new wave music. Fun stuff. More news, as always, to come.

5. PHILS/METS. Phils lost today. A good effort all around, EXCEPT from Rod "Awful, Worst Baseball Player Ever" Barajas. He ruins everything. I mean, seriously, there was a journeyman minor league dude named Durbin starting today, and he wasn't great, but he wasn't totally horrible either . . . Durbin stepped up (sorta). With a few more timely hits, we could've won. But no, instead there's Rod Barajas. Rod Barajas is so bad, I keep thinking he's an SNL cast member doing a character named "Bad Baseball Player". He's crazy, messed-up bad. CUT HIM NOW. Anyway, besides that, they play Game 2 of the doubleheader in a few minutes. Hollywood Hamels vs. the Bat-Flipping Bitch. Should be fun. A must win. I think they can salvage a split in this series, presuming the revolving door of rookies and idiots that comprises our pitching staff gets its act together. A thrilling weekend of baseball-themed thrillingness. If I sound like I'm rambling, it's because I'm off to Bonner's in a few moments to watch the game, and I'm trying to wrap this up. More later about Phils, Sixers, Flyers, and videos.

GO PHILS!

(Oh, what the heck... GO SOUL!!!)

Video Show #4

Video 1. This was supposed to be included last week, but I bumped it for Billy Joel.

Video 2. This one goes out to Shep.

Video 3. It was a pleasant surprise to discover they made a video for this.

Video 4. I have no idea why I'm making you watch this video.

Video 5. It isn't possible for this song to be any greater. If they invented a machine that you can put songs in to make them 10 times greater, it would break the machine, that's how great it is.

Here, kitty kitty

Great week (so far) for the Phils. After the debacle in KC, they bounce back with a sweep of the Southsiders. Look, about the 17-5 loss on Sunday... it was just one of those days. You know and I know that Moyer's not that horrible. The starting pitching has been more or less great, the pen has looked good, overall, and the bats have warmed up. There's momentum as they go into the big series against the Tigers, which I'm psyched about. Meanwhile, the New York Team has gone 1-9 lately, allowing the Phils to pull to 2 game back. Great stuff. The Mets probably won't remain this terrible, but we're not 8 games behind anymore, so we just need to keep up the pace, bide our time, and make our move when they least expect it.

I feel good about the boys right now, and I just foresee the following problems that need to be dealt with eventually:
1. Garcia (who sucks) sucks, and I won't be shedding too many tears over his impending absence from the roster. He sucks. Kendrick was great filling in for him yesterday, and I'm willing to give him another start to see how it goes. In the long term, I still think Myers belongs back in the rotation, but I don't mind him closing either. If he and Gordon come back healthy, our bullpen should actually be pretty good.
2. Helms' HR yesterday notwithstanding, he and Barajas have been generally terrible. I want them out.
3. They should drive Jose Mesa out into the country, and at some point say "Hey Jose, wow, a deer! Did you see the deer?" and he'd reply "No, I didn't see it" and they'd go "No really, there was a deer by the side of the road" and he'd go "Really?" and they'd go "Yeah, you should get out and go take a look" and when he got out of the car they'd just floor it and leave him out there. Jose Mesa's presence on this roster offends me, it's so totally asinine.

Detroit and Cleveland are a tall order. If they go 3-3, and meanwhile the Mets continue to blow, I'd be all right with that. Bring it on, Michigan!

Video Show #3

Video 1. I bought this CD recently for 3 bucks. I'd completely forgotten about this song but it's great. The quality's not so good here - or maybe it's supposed to look like that?

Video 2. I had no idea these guys ever made a video. This totally made my day when I found it. Sadly, this is the closest you're going to get to their deranged greatness for now. (The video's kind of dumb actually.)

Video 3. Speaking of deranged! (Video and audio not so good. But I guarantee it's worth it.)

Video 4. I had the most frightening epiphany, which was the realization that this is actually, in all probability, even more insane than I think it is.

Video 5. It just doesn't - perhaps literally - get any better than this.

BEST SERIES EVER

The BROOM. Here's a few thoughts from the greatest week ever (which came directly after, ironically enough, the worst week ever):

1. Phils back on track? We'll see.

2. Mets are filthy scumbags. Their fans are filthy scumbags. I love beating the Mets, the bunch of filthy scumbags.

3. Paul LoDuca = bat-flipping bitch

4. THIS GUY.











The Big Zagurski. Learn it. Know it. Understand and obey.

[4a. By the way, Julio Franco's ML debut was April 23, 1982. Mike Zagurski was born January 27, 1983. Wrap your brain around it. (MZ walked him.)]

5. This series featured the three greatest moments in baseball history:

Greatest Moment #3: Game 2: Endy Chavez hits into inning-ending, rally-killing double play. Incidentally, he pulled his hamstring on the play. Before you ask, no, I did NOT celebrate the pulled hamstring. What, you think I wish intense pain on my fellow human beings? I hate Endy, but I'm not a monster.

Greatest Moment #2: Game 2: J-ROLL IS A BALLER. His 3-run home run with two outs and two strikes shut up the aforementioned filthy scumbag fans and my god, was that satisfying.

Greatest Moment #1: Game 3: Pat the Bat all clutch up in this piece. Hits a game-tying HR off Billy W., the Scumbag King. (Our own bullpen was stellar in this series. The Mets' pen, not so much.)

6. Phils hit KC this week for some BBQ ribs and, oh yeah, they play the Royals. Let's do it 1980 style, gentlemen. (Actually, no, the Phils went 1-2 in KC in the Series. Forget that. Do better.)

7. Yeah, you knew I wouldn't give up on the Phils that easy. Am I that predictable?

Video Show #2!

1. There should be some system whereby they give awards to the best bands, songs, albums, and videos, and these guys should get those awards.
2. Brand new, instantly classic.
3. Nonstop genius.
4. One of the great, sadly forgotten albums of the 90s.
5. These guys just flat out kick ass.