Here are a few issues that have come up during the past week, during which I was distracted from my duties here - I've been reading a lot and listening to The Else and watching Bob Ross on YouTube and working on my next novel. Yes, the next one! Anyway, I'll get two things out of the way before I get to . . . the new feature!

1. Rot in Hell, Boston
I must admit to a certain evil glee when I saw the Celtics get the fifth pick in the draft instead of the first or second. Actually, it was more than glee: Andrew and I screamed in joy, ran around the room, gave the finger to the TV, and high-fived. Firstly, I hate the Celtics. Secondly, I make the continual weekly mistake of reading uber-Bostonian Bill Simmons, who can be funny and insightful, but is also the most unapologetically whiny, complainy loathsome Boston scumbag ever, and who spent this past season openly rooting for the Celtics to lose so they can get a better pick. The Celtics are tanking bastards and deserve to be miserable, the miserable tanking bastards. Meanwhile, comments posted to ESPN.com from Boston fans have been hilarious: they want to throw up, kill themselves, give up sports forever, etc. It's fantastic. Now, let's put aside my Celtic-hatred for a moment and play devil's advocate: the NBA really is pretty screwed up, when you think about. Because of the salary cap, trading rules, the general lack of freely available non-crappy players, etc. it's actually pretty difficult for a bad team to make itself better, except through exactly one method: getting lucky in the draft and finding a guy who can make you instantly great. So I can see why Boston fans have convinced themselves that the Celtics are doomed for another ten years. On the other hand, screw them. Many of the comments I've seen have complained about how unfair the system is, and that the worst team should automatically gets the best pick, the 2nd worse team the 2nd pick, and so on. Some idiots have even literally used the phrase "the worst team should be rewarded with the best pick!" For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone can't see why this is obviously wrong. Bad teams should never be "rewarded" for being bad; there should be no "reward" for incompetence. And it's also obvious that teams would be tempted to tank the season to get a better pick, and when you've got that going on, I think you no longer have a reputable sports league. Teams should be trying to win at all times, no matter how uncompetitive they might be. When you're losing on purpose, you suck and should be punished. You're insulting the game, the league, the other teams, and most horribly your own fans. That's why there's a lottery. Maybe the NBA put the Celtics in a bad situation with their screwy rules, but I don't really care: if the Celtics tanked, they deserve to feel as bad as they do right now. They can eat me. In fact, if they're really that upset about the #5, and really believe it can't help them, then maybe they'll just trade it to the Sixers for the #12. I'll gladly take it off their tanking, asshole hands.

(My suggestion, meanwhile, is that out of the 14 non-playoff teams, only maybe 7 should be in the lottery. I also think they should contract to 24 teams, but that's a discussion for another time.)

2. Rot in Hell, Florida
The Phillies had a series in Miami this week, going 1-2. Now, I hate the Marlins, and most Phillies-Marlins games are annoying and painful in their own way, but there's something about Phillies-Marlins games in Miami that are particularly evil and horrible. I hate that stadium, I hate its gargantuan field, I hate the limitlessly vast stretches of empty seats. There's something about that place. The Phils almost always have problems there, and this week was no different: crazy extra inning games, blown leads, horrible plays at the plate, Myers getting injured, a bench-clearing brawl, that asshole Scott Olsen acting like an asshole, general stupidity, and many more! I think it dates back to that awful series in September 2003 when the Phillies were swept and their season was ruined. Jeff Conine hit a wildly painful homer off Kevin Millwood that went over that stupid "MICOSUKEE" sign in left field... and now here it is almost four years later and that stupid "MICOSUKEE" sign is still there! I hate that place. Just the sight of it sickens and irritates me. I simply have no fun watching Phillies-Marlins games; I just want them to end.

3. THE VIDEO SHOW! (better title pending)
One of my weirder fantasies has always been to host a few hours on MTV, or perhaps a really good channel, and just show videos I like. It's silly, I know, but I like videos. It will never happen, because people don't watch or care about videos anymore, but I cling to my ridiculous aspiration with the tenacity of a well-written metaphor. So anyway, I thought that each week, I could point you in the direction of five videos I like, and you could watch them, and pretend that I'm appearing between each of them to provide interesting and hilarious comments. Here are a few ground rules: I will not be embedding them here, because I don't want my blog to look like garbage. Just click on each link, watch the video, then come back here and click on the next one. What are you, lazy and stupid? Also, you may not watch them out of order; the order was carefully determined and calibrated over many intensive testing sessions for maximum rocking. You may not skip any video and you may not stop watching a video before it's over. If you don't have time to watch all five, that's your fault; you need better time management skills. Also, you may not complain about my selections, they are unquestionably great; I'm not including any "guilty pleasures" or anything "cheesy" for you to "laugh" "at". Also, I'm not really this much of a jerk, I just find it funny. So here we go!

1. There's some kind of narrative going on here, but I can't quite follow it.
2. Brand new, instantly classic.
3. My new favorite band.
4. One of my favorite Venue Songs.
5. My all-time favorite video.

Updates

Update on The Else: It's great.

Update on Cole Hamels: He's great.

First impressions of the new They Might Be Giants album The Else after having listened to it once, five minutes ago

Not much to say yet. I think it might be better than The Spine (which I love a lot), definitely better than the two children's albums (which are great) and Mink Car (some great, classic moments but probably my least favorite TMBG album), more cohesive, of course, than the various things that came out between 1997-2001 (collected on Long Tall Weekend, among other places, all of which is great but not really of a piece) . . . I guess the best since Factory Showroom, really. But this is after one listening, mind you. I can't actually remember any of the songs right now. Also, I'm totally biased and you know I'm going to love it no matter what. This review is purely academic.

[Also, I hate this "iTunes exclusive" nonsense. First of all, iTunes blows. Second of all, I like CDs. I like buying them, I like opening them, I like examining the package as I take my very first listen. I'm totally psyched about the CD version coming out on July 10. But I don't live in July, I live here, in May! Boo!]

On to the second listening!

I officially hate Pat Gillick now

Pat Gillick is unhappy with the state of the team. Says the middle of the order (that's Howard/Burrell/Helms) is killing us. Says the bullpen is a disappointment. Mentions the horribleness of Bajaras too.

Now, look. The team's in sorry shape, it's true. But: Ryan Howard is in an awful slump that's been painful to watch, but he's too good and it's too early to give up on him. Pat is a problem - his power appears to be gone, and it's not too out of line to think that he might be finished (!) - but on the other hand, he's always been streaky, so maybe he'll pick it up at some point, and there's not really much they can do with him anyway. So let's ignore those guys for the moment. But Wes Helms? He's not only awful, but he was signed by Pat Gillick. Gillick's plan for third base, to reiterate, was Wes Helms. His plan for catcher was Rod Barajas. The bullpen has been bad for a long time, and Gillick's plan was, well, nothing at all.

Gillick is both an idiot and an asshole, the worst of all possible worlds. Manuel is at least only an idiot, an idiot who means well and tries hard and seems to be popular with his players, and who is saddled with an aggressively mediocre team with which he can do nothing. Should he take out a pitcher who's pitching well? How can he, when the bullpen is so bad? How can he not, when the offense is so bad? I feel for Charlie, I really do. Mind you, if they replaced him with an incredibly good manager, I'd shed no tears, but this 15-19 nonsense isn't his fault.

The fault lies with the aforementioned idiot/asshole, who not only did next to nothing to improve this team over the offseason but who now feels the need to trash that team, as if its horribleness isn't his fault, as if pointing fingers and passing the blame - which has never worked in Phillies history, just ask Larry Bowa or Dallas Green - is somehow honorable or logical or effective and I, as a loyal fan, am supposed to nod my head and say, "Yeah, Pat, you tell 'em! Guilt those underachievers into playing better! Yeah!" Ah, no. Screw you. Gillick, you sent Abreu to the Yankees for nothing, you signed Helms and Barajas, you demoted Chris Coste, our closer is 78 years old and disabled, and on top of all that it now turns out you're a petty, small, buck-passing jerkoff. Seriously: screw you. I can't wait to see you in the street so I can flip you off and boo you, that's going to rule. (That's my Philly blood talking, I suppose.)